There have been quite a few pregnancy announcements surrounding me lately. It's tough. Every time I get this kind of news I am hit instantly with the triple play. I am first and hopefully foremost happy for the couple to be. Anytime a couple can get pregnant, let alone with no complications, I know now, all to well in fact, what a blessing that is. Second comes the why not me. It's just hard to not go there, I simply can't help it. This stage is usually followed by a series of thoughts as to WHY this can't happen for us. What have we done that is so terrible that we don't deserve a family too? How could wanting a family with my husband be so bad, that we haven't been give that blessing as well? These are usually my key players in the game. After spending some time in stage two, I start to feel disappointed in the fact that I can't just be happy for them and not make the situation about me to begin with. This little diddy makes way for stage number three, feeling like a horrible/selfish person because I am incapable of putting others happiness above mine. This stage can last anywhere from 4 to 6 hours, if not more! Doesn't that just sound like the BEST DAY EVER? I mean this is the process that I CHOOSE to go through and it is even exhausting to me as I sit here and write it.
I am working on adding a fourth and final stage to the mix. This stage is called Figuring Out how to avoid Steps two and three all together. This stage has been hard to develop and even more difficult to implement. I find that I am a creature of habit and don't take to change in policies and processes all too well. :) But after assessing the current processes for some time now, I know change is needed. But how do I get there?
Will there ever be a day when someone comes to tell me they are pregnant and I can simply just be happy about their news?
When will my head join my heart in trusting that God has my life under control? When will I have complete faith that Vance and I are exactly where we need to be in life and that what I believe to be best for us is simply just not the case. When will my desire to be a Mom be taken over by my desire to simply be a child of God, a child of faith, a child of joy?
And what do I do in the meantime as I wait for these questions to be answered? How do I stop simply, waiting?
I follow a daily devotional on Instagram call @pocketful. This was the post this morning. I am constantly telling Vance and my counselor and my best friend and my family that I feel like God isn't talking to me about this situation. That in a lot of other areas in my life, he talks, he guides, he shows, but in this situation I can't see him or hear him. But this morning, after reading the devotional, I thought to myself, maybe I am choosing to not listen. My own thoughts and worries have used up all the capacity in my head and in my heart, I have left no room for God to show me his will. What a scary thought.
This is what I'll will be working on over the next couple months, or longer, if that's what it takes. I need to give up and give in. Funny, how sometimes giving up is so easy to do, yet here, I am having the hardest time doing so. I need to work on emptying out the mess I've created, so there's space for God in my heart to come in and reorganize things. I'm thinking full on re-org!
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| Via @pocketfuel on Instagram |
