Whenever I take a long break from posting, I like to take a minute and re-read my last post, to remember where things left off. I do this for you my readers, but selfishly, I do it for myself as well. My last post was on August 15th and I was venting about my ability to handle pregnancy announcements. I find this hilarious because a lot of what I will be sharing with you today revolves around all the pregnancy announcements we've received since the New Year. So even though 5 months have passed, we really are right where we left off, which is struggling with feelings and still not pregnant.
Let me back up a few steps and tell you that we have still been on a break since May when we lost our first pregnancy. The break has been good for our hearts and for our sanity, but hasn't really been the break we were hoping for. "The break" really translates into not actively participating in fertility treatments. "The break" is no way, shape or form has ever been the chance to stop thinking about the almost 4 years we have been trying to make a family. These breaks have never been successful in turning the switch off so to speak. Am I getting my point across??? My body appreciates not physically have to go into appointments multiple times a week, not having to take medications daily and not having to take pregnancy test every couple of months. But my mind has been given no rest what so ever. Sometimes I think it never will.
We've been talking a lot of the past couple months about when we'd be ready to try again. Back in May we said January, give ourselves the rest of 2014 to grieve, be mad, and just recover. But as January started to approach it just felt rushed. I knew mentally I wasn't ready and that my heart still needed some healing. So in December we decided to push things back to April. We leave for San Diego in March and just wanted to fully enjoy vacation before coming back to the doom and gloom that has been trying to make a baby. And I think that's when it hit me...I shouldn't think of this endeavor as doom and bloom. That isn't the right attitude to have towards it. I'm setting us up for failure before we've even tried again, how productive is that????
If you've been following at all, you'll know that along with infertility I have had a long time struggle with my weight. I am an emotional eater and often seek comfort in the foods I eat. Because of these habits I have created a home in a body I don't quite recognize or feel comfortable in anymore. And I think its time that I do something about it. I need to focus my energy elsewhere for a while, and why not let it be on my soul and my health. My doctor has told me several times while losing weight won't guarantee us a successful pregnancy, it can no way, shape or form hurt our chances. I think I owe this to myself for several different reasons. Those reasons can and will be another post all together. My husband agrees that if we are going to get back into the game of trying, it should be with our best foot forward. So what does this all mean??? It means we have made the executive decision to officially take Making Ackers off the table for 2015. I have started the search for a nutritionist and along with my counselor I want to devote this year to understand my issues with food and then work to solve them and get healthier and back into a body that I love and can be proud of and that in the end will glorify my creator. I read this week that our body is a temple, which houses Christ within us. Some temple I've made!!!!!!
I have attempted and failed at this journey SEVERAL times in the past. My track record isn't good. But all I can say is this time feels different. I don't feel rushed or pressured or motivated by the wrong reason. I feel like tackling this from a heart issue perspective is a new angle that has never been explored before and I am actually excited to see what all I find out about myself and how God will guide me through this new path.
I thought about starting a new blog for this part of my life, but isn't it all still working towards the same goal???? It's part of the big picture, its part of journey and I hope you stick around to see what all God has in store for us.
Bye For Now.
