What a doozie this past two weeks have been. Life has been changed ever so slightly in our household. My husbands 18 year old brother has moved in with us. Since he arrived here in Austin, we have been showing him the royal treatment around our a favorite eating joints. This little break in my better eating routine was music to my ears, more so my stomach. But it did send me spiraling out of control. And the nose dive has lasted a solid two weeks. Actually, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure that is really over. All I have been doing is craving and lining up my next meals, even before I've fully digested the last one. It's so embarrassing. At least last week I had a conscious about it. I was feeling guilty and down about my decisions. But that didn't change the outcome, sadly enough. I even skipped boxing last week, which I haven't wanted to do in a very long time. The class before was such a struggle to make it through. I felt so fatigued and heavy and out of breath. On Thursday, I just couldn't bring myself to go through that again. The frustrating thing is that those feelings didn't kick me back into eating better. They only drove me to eat more and even worse. It's crippling to feel like I have no control over my actions or decisions.
Even now, as I spent all day yesterday telling myself, "this is it. Today is the last day of bad eating," I am sitting here contemplating what to have for lunch. And not a what health lunch item am I going to have contemplation. I am having a can I just eat what I want to eat for lunch contemplation. I feel like my own worst enemy. And that feels terrible.
I am not sure how things will go today. Breakfast went as it should, so hopefully I can keep things moving from there. But, just not sure where to go from here. How do I just make the switch and be done with it, you know. The struggle is so real, yet seems so silly. I'm not sure if there is a rhyme or reason to this post. I think I just needed to vent. Get the thoughts out on virtual paper, so they might stop circling my head. But I just get so down on myself and it almost feels impossible at times to change things around. That's all I have.
Bye for now.
