The Flying Pig

It stings a bit to sign in and re-read the last few happy, positive posts, just to be writing this not so fun one. For quite some time I have not been a fan of at home pregnancy tests. For the very blatant reason of they are always negative. I mean who in the hell would like that? So for the most part, I don't even test on Day 12 after our IUI's, I just prefer to wait. Unfortunately in our situation the inevitable always seems to happen.  But this last round just felt SO hopeful. I had never gotten a positive ovulation reading and we actually did the IUI BEFORE my egg had even released, we just felt so ahead of the game this time. I did the unthinkable and started thinking I could tell everyone at Thanksgiving, while we were sharing what we were thankful for and it just all went to pot from there. In all the excitement, I created all by my lonesome, I decided not only to test, but to test early and to test early twice. WHY!?? Testing day this last cycle was to be Sunday, November 25th. I tested on Wednesday, November 21st and got a negative and then again on Friday, November 23rd. After that I gave up. I am naturally a very anxious person and have been having a really difficult time controlling my nerves during this whole process, especially around the testing part of these cycles. So if the tests are correct, I will be awaiting dooms day on Thursday and the start of a whole other cycle to come. After about a two day melt down and I dragged myself out of bed, wiped away tears from my puffy eyes and logged into The Bump. The one thing I have found the infertility community board to be helpful with is simply not feeling like an absolute basket case. It makes me feel like it's okay that I have these breakdowns and that it's okay that EVERY TIME I hear someone I know is pregnant my first reaction is to cry and ask why. I know it's not the right thing to do, but it's just what happens and right now it feels like it can't be helped. So to all the ladies on the infertility board, THANK YOU for sharing your absolute worst days with me and the rest of the ladies. As hard as it is, it helps.

I also wanted to introduce you my new little friend, The Flying Pig. While doing a little Christmas shopping to lift my spirits, I stumbled across this series of voodoo dolls. This little dude is supposed to help with mood swings and help me live a relaxed and carefree lifestyle. Believe me...I'M TRYING!

Fingers Crossed

Not sure how one can have a GREAT IUI, but I think I just did. Feeling good about this one. Fingers crossed!

Lucky Number 13

Today has been a GREAT morning. First off, after over a year and a half of this baby making stuff, I officially got my first ever positive ovulation reading, on one of those at home kits. CRAZY. After peeing on those things for like a year and never seeing that damn smiley face, I honestly have to say I never thought I would see the day.

As you know, I ovulated early last cycle, while in Denver, CO, with my husband in Austin, TX. Not the best of situations, so we missed our first IUI window after the surgery. I had a sneaking suspicion that I may just be an early ovulator (is that a word?) so I bought a kit to make sure I wasn't missing things this time. And it worked! I went in this morning, on my lucky day (13), wearing my lucky sweater and lucky shoes, and luckily we have a big ole lucky egg, just waiting to be fertilized. :) We go in tomorrow morning for our IUI and are staying oober positive. Positive Thoughts = Positive Pregnancy Test...right?

On a side note, my friend Sarah who went through a very similar baby making story just delivered her beautiful baby boy this past weekend. It was such an amazing feeling to know there is light at this very long, very dark tunnel we've been in! She has been such a crutch during this process. It sucks that we were in this boat together, but I was really nice to have someone to share the ugly truth with. I am so happy for her and for her husband and for their new little family! And I can't wait to meet him.

Belly Invasion

I have been invaded by pregnancy bellies. They are EVERYWHERE. My waitresses, my bank teller, my dental hygienist, my co-worker, random ladies in every retail store I shop at, even freakin' dogs are sportin' their bellies around me.

HELP ME NOW.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I hate flying. I HATE flying. Like pop multiple Xanax and think my plane is going to go down at any minute HATE flying. It's miserable. So when an unexpected work trip to Denver popped up last week I was less than thrilled about it. Especially because my follicle scan was scheduled for the 19th and I was due back the 18th. And that was just cutting things a little too close for my comfort level. While in Denver I had some cramping and a few other symptoms that had me thinking it was not a good idea to be in Denver. On Friday that feeling was confirmed when I learned I ovulated early, as in ovulated while I was in Denver early. Did I mention I HATE flying???!!! Not only did I ovulate early, but I ovulated so early that we missed the IUI window. :( The whole exploratory thing went so well and I was so excited, this was just the sort of thing I was really hoping would NOT happen. But it did. I think my nurse practitioner recommended we give it the good ole college try for the next two days, simply to keep hope alive. But, my hope was a little deflated.

So now I'm waiting, and not very patiently, for my next cycle to start. I know making a baby can be hard, but no one tells you just how TERRIBLE the waiting is. Until next time, I'll be here...waiting.

A Clean Slate

It's been almost two months to the day of my last post. But don't fret, you haven't missed anything good. The last two months were routine, IUI's and negative pregnancy tests. In August I mentioned doing the laparoscopy and last Thursday, we did just that.

The surgery was super simple and super fast. The waiting to go back, was the worse part. And there is nothing better than some medicated Zzzzz's!  The surgery didn't make me nervous at all. The outcome was what was driving me crazy. We spent the weekend before the surgery at Vance's family lake house. We did a combo of antique shopping and relaxing, it was exactly what I needed. I came home Sunday mellow and ready, but come Monday morning I was a total wreck. Or better yet, I was a bag of crazy. I spent my morning crying, my afternoons anxious and my evening buried in Vance's nook. I was terrified of coming out of surgery and hearing that the Dr had found nothing to explain why we haven't gotten pregnant yet. I was fixated on this unbearable concept, and as much as EVERYONE was telling me to stay positive, which honestly did nothing but make me want to slap them, I just couldn't stop worrying. I survived Monday and Tuesday, then Vance took me for a dinner date which was a perfect distraction. Thursday morning I woke up super early, not really able to sleep and tired desperately to focus on not being able to eat, rather than what the outcome of surgery might be.

We arrived at the hospital at 9:45 am, checked in and then waited...forever. I don't think I was wheeled back to the OR until Noon. I slid over to the operation table, FREEZING, and laid there all Jesus Christ like as they hooked me up to monitors and oxygen masks. They asked what I did for a living, as before I could get software sales, I was waking up in the recovery room. And then just as quickly, I was back in my pre-op  room with Vance. The details were so fuzzy I wouldn't even call them details. Vance explained to me what went down as best he could it my dopey state. But I don't think I comprehended anything, until the next day.

The Dr removed two cysts, one on each Fallopian tube. He said these cysts can be very sticky and eggs often get stuck to them and do not reach their intended destination. He also removed about 7-8 spots of endometriosis. We can't really blame either one of these things for why we haven't been able to get pregnant,  but they definitely contributed to lowering our chances. So now we are back to our regularly scheduled programming and hopefully with better chances in our favor. We are scheduled for a follicle scan this Friday and if eggs are present (fingers tripled cross) we will be back on Saturday for an IUI. Dr says if all is well, we should see a positive pregnancy test in the next three months. (Can NOT wrap my head around that) If we don't get pregnant in the next three months, then we will talk about getting more aggressive with the hormone treatments.

Sorry for the absence, but hopefully this jam packed post will make up for lost time. We have a ton of prayers on our side. And despite my natural reaction to be the pessimist, I am feeling really hopeful and actually VERY excited for the first time, in a long time! I hope this feeling stays...for the next three months. :)

Let's Get On With It Already!

Today I am just annoyed with my body. I feel like she's not being a team player. As you know I was expected to start yesterday or today and as of this morning, no such luck. HOWEVER, I am reluctant to take a pregnancy test for two reasons, I always have reasons, 1). I have been spotting since Sunday and my track record thus far has been spotting = period, not spotting = pregnant and 2). I simply HATE seeing the Not Pregnant sign flash across that teeny tiny screen.

Can't my body cut me a break and stop doing all this spotting business, I am just not up for FALSE hope these days. So, here's to hoping things get kicked into gear today and I don't have to pee on a stick tomorrow.

Obese and Pregnant

Sunday morning I woke up extra early. I was hosting my little sister's birthday party that afternoon at my house and wanted to make sure everything was in order. I grabbed a bowl of cereal and sat down to watch a little tv and caught a show called Obese and Pregnant. It's a little scary to admit this, but by health standards I am overweight. I would even go as far as to say, obese. But I don't FEEL obese. My weight have been a constant struggle, which you can read about here. My desire to have a baby right now is constantly struggling with my desire to lose weight before I do so. I would LOVE to be at a healthier weight before I start having babies, but after learning how NOT easy having a baby is going to be for us, I really don't want to put it off any longer. You would think with this going for over a year now, I would have done what was needed to shred some pounds, but that's just not the case. Although the last couple of weeks have felt like a bit of a page turner.

Anyway, I basically forced myself to watch this show that followed 3 obese women during their pregnancies. All 3 women were 300+ lbs. Two of the women obtained gestational diabetes and had to take daily injections to help maintain their blood sugar level. It was so eye opening. Not only is that something I don't EVER have to go through, they all 3 just looked miserable, MISERABLE, during their pregnancies. And I don't want that for myself, my baby or my husband. I'm not 300 lbs, but I am FAR from where I need to do to be.

The show freaked me out so bad, that I wasn't even sad when I started spotting yesterday. I immediately thought to myself, "WHEW, another month to try and lose some weight,". Kinda scary.

Twenty Nine

My progesterone is at a 29. Not sure what that means. You know you deal with so many different nurses and nurse practitioners that you call and one tells you one thing and then you call back and another one tells you another thing. When I finally did get someone on the phone, she asked me why we were checking my progesterone level to which I replied, because the Dr said she was going to and then asked me if I was on a progesterone supplement, to which I replied, No. She then said, well you're at a 29 which is nice an high and then just stopped talking. So instead of asking what that means, I just said OK GREAT, Bye! No naturally I'm kind of kicking myself. Like I mentioned before, I don't think the high number necessarily guarantee's anything other than a confirmation that I did indeed ovulate. But it would be nice to know that and rather than spend the next several days Googling progesterone levels. :)

 Doc says due to my last start date, I should start again on Monday or Tuesday, No period by then, then we pregnancy test. OH THE WAITING!!!

We I have decided to give the IUI two more rounds before we go in for the laparoscopy. Doc said that really a solid 6-9 months of trying is necessary since I started ovulating on the regular with Femara. Which sounds fair, so another two IUI's and then we'll cross that bridge.

That's all for now. :)

Meh.

The Dr appointment this morning went. Everything looks like I ovulated early, but just to be 100% sure, they drew some blood and are testing my progestrone levels. Looks like we're hoping to see a 10 or higher. Not that a 10 or higher would necessarily guarantee anything.

I'm feeling very meh about the whole thing, but hopefully that will change. Will keep you posted.

Not As Planned, As Usual

You would think by now I better. Lucky number 3 has not quite lived up to its expectations. Tuesday night I proceeded to ask Vance if he wanted to accompany me to my cycle day 12 sonogram. Typically I go these alone, since he tags along on IUI day. But I had quite a few questions about what our next steps were, after this IUI, and thought he might want to be present. What started out as a simple question turned into an utter disaster of a conversation. I was in tears, he was upset and we went to bed just that way. I woke up on Wednesday to get ready for my appointment and decided regardless if he wanted to go or not, I was going alone. You can imagine how well that went over. I got in the car, called my Aunt and managed for mumble out what was wrong through wailing sobs. I hadn't even arrived at the Dr and I was already crying! I parked the car, hung up with my Aunt, took a few deep breaths and patted my tear streaks away from my face. I was hoping to have a little time to compose myself even more in the waiting room, but within 3 minutes I was called back.

I was seeing one of my nurse practitioner, which I LOVE, but hadn't seen in a couple visits. They walked me down the hall, had me potty for comfort and then WEIGH myself. Which, besides my very first appointment, I've never had to do. Then they sat me down to take my blood pressure, again, not something I'm used to. She gave the machine an inquisitive look and asked me if I have issues with high blood pressure, to which I replied no, but I'm very ANXIOUS and have been crying ALL morning. And instantaneously the water works began. I instantly was given the puppy dog face of WHAT'S WRONG!!!! They had me take a few deep breaths and try to relax, YEAH, like that's going to work, and retook my blood pressure, high again. At that point, they put it off until later and escorted me into the room.

For the first 15 minutes of my appointment I just blabbed on and on about how disappointed we were that we weren't pregnant yet and how we didn't understand why it wasn't working. I told her I wanted to do the laproscopy and that Vance didn't really think we needed to. I asked her at what point we have to start thinking about IVF and if she knew of anyone who wanted to sell their baby, cause I was in the market. JUST KIDDING! But pretty much every thought that entered into my mind came out like worm vomit. She gave me all the reassurance in the world that we were on the right path. That it's hard to hear them get excited about thing looking good during a cycle just to have a negative pregnancy test, but that I have to focus on the positives, like, our first goal was to get me ovulation regularly, to which I am now. And consecutively at that. And that only puts us one step closer. I spare you the rest of the sobbing details, but bottom line had a great therapy sessions followed up by some not so great news.

The sonogram showed that I had about 5-6 follicles on each ovary, but none measuring out at the 20-22mm that we needed. UTTER DEFEAT. However, she did see other aspects that made her think that maybe I ovulated early this round. So I pee'd in a cup for a surge test, which is always fun, and she sent me packing. I don't think I hit the door fast enough. And of course bumped into EVERY SINGLE PREGNANT LADY ON THE PLANET on the way out.

I called Vance who didn't answer (not intentionally). FUN. And then immediately emailed my boss to ask if I could work from home the rest of the day. I could barely see the road through my crocodile tears. How in the world were we missing a cycle again!??? I got home, back into pajamas, logged into work and just laid on the couch in the fetus position of DOOM! Vance called back and I explained what I could through more sobs. And then had to ward off every follow-up question to how the appointment went. The ONLY downfall to your support system is the genuinely want to know how things went.


Before you think I've driven off a cliff and am posting this from beyond the grave, here comes the light at the end of the tunnel. At about 2:00pm, the Dr called and said the surge test was positive! So it turns out I must have ovulated a little early. She recommended we give the round the good old college try and see what happens. All of Vance's results have proven to be more than capable of getting the job done, so there was no concern there. She also wanted to see me back on Monday to take another look around.

I used yesterday and my debbie downer day. And through a little persuasive talking and lunch with Vance today, I've decided today is a new day. I'm going to have bad days and this isn't going to be easy, but I am a woman of FAITH and that's just what I have to have.

So wish us luck as we embark on our 3 day baby making course. ;) And I will report back after Monday's appointment.

Your Baby Shower?

Today I was at Hobby Lobby buying stuff for a baby shower I am co-hosting tomorrow....

Cashier: Any plans this weekend?

Me: Throwing a baby shower, that's what all this stuff is for?

Cashier: Is the shower for either one of you? I was with my best friend


Me: Dead Silence

My Inner Thoughts: No, I'm infertile.


Some days...I'm scary.

To Bump or Not To Bump

So The Bump is an evil vice I can't seem to completely shake. I started out at The Knot, then dabbled in the The Nest and now I am a lurker/ever so often poster at The Bump. I stalk the Infertility community board for obvious reasons, but more times than not, I find it very confusing. Most of the women seem to be in the IVF process on infertility. There also seems to be a lot more steps, a lot more drugs and a lot more tracking that goes into an IVF in comparison to a an IUI. Things like Betas and E2's??? They make me feel very inadequate and like I'm not 100% in the know. But like I mentioned before, I'm a little okay with not being in the know.

Infertility is a very hard thing to go through mentally. And some times I feel like a terrible person for feeling envious and/jealous of those around me that ever so easily get pregnant. I try to keep a happy face on and be TRULY happy for those people and for the most part I am, but it's not without quickly moving into the WHY NOT US phase. And that's painful for me. I don't like not being happy for other people. I hate it, actually.

I mention this because yesterday while perusing The Bump, I came across a post from a girl who had a bit of a breakdown while on facebook. Apparently her feed has been so ambushed with an abundant amount of fertile people and sonograms and birth announcements that she de-friended a few people to avoid being subjected to their happiness. Harsh statement but I think that pretty much sums it up. The post was quickly followed by a slew of responses from fellow infertiles who felt her pain and sympathized with her feelings of hopelessness. I was a little shocked that she would be THAT sore about it, that she would delete people from her fb, but I total understood her feelings of WHY NOT US.

WHY NOT US swirls through my head all the time. A couple months ago we were at the family lake house enjoying a hot summer day and my Aunt and Mother in Law were all chit chatting about my appointments and such. And my Aunt just blurted out, "I just don't understand why!!!!!!?????" I can't tell you how good it felt to here the same words that have been imprisoned in my head come out of someone else's mouth! It was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It's not just me that thinks that way. It had always felt so selfish to think, so saying it aloud has never been an option. But there is was. Yesterday kind of felt like that moment all over again. Someone else is feeling the EXACT same way as I do. It's not JUST ME who feels that twinge of envy when people announce their expecting or when I see couples out and about with her brand new babies. I'm not a fan of the phrase misery loves company, but in this case it just feels like good to know I'm not alone.

So for now, my struggle with whether to Bump or not to Bump is still on going. I think for now I will use as a tool to self check my sanity. :) And the best part is that every once in a while you get a good success story and that just makes me keep on keepin' on!

Lucky Number 13

So the 21st marked cycle day one. I started my five day, double dose, of Femara on Monday, the 23rd. I haven't really had any side effects from the Femara. I think I have a tendency to be even MORE sensitive than usual, but then again that could just be me. But nothing that stands out, which I have to say is a relief. Cycle day 12 falls on August 1st which means the IUI, if all goes well, will be on August 2nd and pregnancy test number three, will be on August 13th!!! Not only is that my little sister's birthday, 13 is also me and Vance LUCKY NUMBER. Our pre-marriage anniversary was March 13th, Vance's birthday is May 13th and my birthday is July 13th. At this stage of the game, you cling to anything that gives you a shred of hope, so this is my shred!

And by my terrible calculation, that would put our due date in March, right? I do this who calendar thing every time we go through this process, and I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't. But then when I think about NOT doing it, I wonder if that means I'm losing faith. WHEW, talk about an internal struggle. :(

To end on a happy note, come on LUCKY NUMBER 13!

Is there a Manual For This?

I read a post today, that immediately sent me here, to my empty blog, that I haven't quite figured out how to start. You know, the beauty of a blog is that you are able to share with readers what you want. You aren't forced to share the ugly things, the hard things, the mundane things, the not so fun things and the sad things. A blog is a place where you can really make yourself out to be, the best you, you can be. But I think the best blogs really are the honest blogs. The blogs that talk about the real topics, no fluff needed, no matter WHAT the topics are.

So what's my topic??? Making Babies.

I'm going to rewind a bit here and give you a little insight into my soul. Lucky you. 


Everyone has a purpose. Mine is to be a mommy. I've been ready to have my own babies since my little sister arrived when I was 5. I gravitate towards babies. I want to pinch them, kiss them, hold them, talk baby talk to them and my most favorite thing is rock them to sleep. My friends and family call me the baby whisperer. It's the truth, I rock at all things baby, except for making them apparently, but will get to that in a minute. Growing up I've worked in a handful of daycare's and have nannied for some of the sweetest families in Austin. Most of the kids I looked after are either kindergartners or older and that is SO crazy to me! I met  my husband when I was 24. I am 29 now. We dated for about a year, were engaged for a year and a half and just celebrated our two year anniversary. I think that all adds up to about 5 years, but I'm not so good with the adding stuff. I distinctly remember a late night conversation with Vance in that first year of dating. It was that turning point conversation when we moved past talking about what we were doing on Friday night and started talking about what we were doing for the rest of our lives. We talked about our 5 year, 10 year and 20 year hopes and dreams and what we expected out of ourselves and each other. If I was a better Wife I could sit here and tell you I remember exactly what Vance said. But like a woman, I remember only one thing specifically and that was telling Vance that I wanted to be a mommy, that that's what I was put on this Earth to do. He wasn't surprised at all. So this is where the burning desire to be a mommy derives from.

A little deep dark secret about me is I am a bit of a pessimist, combined with a little bit of a not so safety girl I have had this underlying feeling, for longer than Vance and I have been together, that I would have trouble conceiving. Not real rhyme or reason to the prediction, just this feeling that I've always had. So for our first year of marriage we didn't really take any precautionary measure to avoid getting pregnant, other than me trying to keep tabs on my cycle as best I could. I don't have a regular cycle, never REALLY know when I'm starting or ovulating, but more on that later. With no unexpected surprises in year one, I started pushing for us to get our butt in gear and start really TRYING to make a baby in year two of marriage. To be clear, I would have been MORE THAN HAPPY with an unexpected surprise, I think Vance would have been just that, surprised. Up to this point he was never really a gung ho, let's make a baby kinda dude. And then we got the news. Our best friends were expecting. I knew they had started to try and  try once they did and succeeded. I know my best friend will probably read this, so to my Santa I say, PLEASE don't read any of this and feel bad...YOU KNOW BETTER! We were leaving they very day she called to tell the news for a weekend river trip. I literally squealed at the news I was so excited!!! As soon as I hung up with her, I called Vance and balled my eyes out. I spilled a whole year of pent up anxiousness and wishful thinking. I told him I was so excited for them and just wished desperately that, that was us. And that the only it was going to be us is if we got serious about things. I fill like I gave him a whole power point presentation on the matter, equipped with pie graphs and financial outputs. And in the end, he agreed. SUCCESS! So in July of 2011 we actively started to try and make a baby.

My annual is due in August. My regular gyno, who also happened to have delivered me 29 years ago, was no longer an OB, so I needed to find a new one. With a new Dr and a plan of action (HAVE SEX, MAKE BABY) I was feeling really excited about things. After all, people were popping out babies left and right. And even though I still had my doubts, I was hopeful. My appointment went really well. I shared my thoughts about not accidently getting pregnant for the last year and my concerns about not really being able to pinpoint        my ovulation dates. Something that's pretty freakin' important. First order of business was to start using the ovulation predictor kits. We were to give it a whirl with these guys for the next three months. They also would be taking some blood work from me and do a sperm analysis on Vance. Lordy, he was happy about that! So we were sent off with some homework, a little brighter outlook and with high hopes for making an Acker!

I don't know about you readers, but they first time you ever have sex with your spouse for purposes other than love and pleasure is SUPER awkward! You start to question all of your previous methods and have this lingering thought in your mind as to what it is you're trying to accomplish, so it makes it SUPER difficult to concentrate on the task at hand. And I nervously laughed a lot, like I said, SUPER awkward, SUPER!

All of our lab work came back fine, more than fine actually. Doc recommended a Fallopian tube flush. Apparently over the years things can build up and make it rather difficult for the regular process of things to take place. After the flush we would try naturally over the next 3 months. And so we did.


The hard part about all this, is finally feeling hopeful that we are trying something different and STILL getting the same results. It's hard to be positive and to imagine getting a positive pregnancy test, when time after time the NOT PREGNANT just keeps flashing it's ugly head. 


About this time, January 2011, Vance and I start to REALLY talk about what's going on. The best way to explain our positions is by using the political pool. Once of us is on the shallow end and the other, ME, is so far off the deep end it's not even funny! Vance's take is that, this sort of thing will happen when the time is right. It might not happen today or tomorrow, but eventually, we will make a baby. The key is just to relax, take a deep breath and be patient. Clearly my strongest suits. My take is the end result is we want a baby, a healthy, happy, baby, so why take the slow road. Whatever they throw at us I'm willing to try and I wish desperately that Vance is willing too! Soooo practical, right!??!


February and March we continue this tug of war over which path is right for us and how aggressive we want to get. Once of our biggest issues at this point now is that I am not getting readings on the ovulation predictor kits. So I keep feeling like I don't even know what days we're supposed to be making a baby, pretty much the most important part of the puzzle! I take this very complaint back to my Dr during our visit in April and they decide to put me on Femara. As a side note, I am one of those people who thinks the less I know the better, so I don't have all the smart/detailed information for the drugs and procedures we're using. Femara will help us produce eggs and will help us induce ovulation. I did produce a 20mm egg all by my lonesome, Yahhhh me, but again we were still not able to determine ovulation on our own. So it would work a little something like this. On the 3rd day of my cycle I will take 1 Femara pill for 5 days. On Day 12 of my cycle I would come in to the Dr and we would do an ultrasound to look for and measure follicles. If mature follicles are present, we'd get a HCG shot, right in the buttocks. I am told HCG induces ovulation and fakes the body into thinking it's already pregnant, to better the chances of actually getting pregnant. AGAIN, this is my take on it, not the medical one.  Day 13 and Day 14 are GET BUSY DAYS! And then the lovely waiting game.


Multiple times the Dr asked me if we wanted to do the IUI. He stated it was the natural progression of things and that would indeed be the next step for us. Knowing Vance's stance, I politely declined and said we wanted to try it naturally with the drugs first. We at least my husband did. And I was going to be as supportive about that as I could be. Dr said he was good with our decisions because all of your lab work looked good and there was nothing that showed getting pregnant naturally wasn't a possibility. So Round One (April) and two (May) of Femara + HCG came and went, no baby. So between the last negative pregnancy test and day 12 of my next cycle, I pulled at every heart string possible and got Vance to agree to an IUI. And we did just that in June.


Again I had I hopes. Through this entire process I had friend going through the VERY same thing, but several steps ahead of me. She got pregnant on both her first and second IUI attempts. First round she miscarried but the second round has left her 6 months into a healthy pregnancy. Light at the end of a tunnel!


Th only thing that changes from our plan of action is that Day 13 we go back in to the Dr for the IUI. Basically they take Vance's baby making team, remove any wallflowers and turbo boost the rest of the guys with some rockin' protein. They then send the sperm on a super sperm highway and reduce the time it takes for them to reach the mature follicles and do their thing. I'm thinking I should write the Infertility for Dummies book. I just kept thinking this was it. We waited the dreadful 12 days and on cycle day 24, negative pregnancy test. I felt like an utter failure. This feeling of NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY THIS ISN'T WORKING is just sooooo overwhelming. I was devasted. And Vance was devasted for me.

This whole fertility thing is so hard. One of the hardest things about it for us, is trying to cope with each other's grief. I am a crier. I cry for everything. Vance is a fixer and a total optimist. The two don't mix very well. But I think anytime you face struggles as a couple, it's a great opportunity to work on your communication skills, or in my case, the lack there of. :) Things can get heated and over the top, but at the end of the day, I know we're here for each other and love each other and are just trying to keep our wits about us as we work towards this mutual goal.


July 6th was our last IUI. On Friday, the 20th, we got the negative test result. I don't think I've become numb to the negative test result by any means, but I feel like now, I've just come to expect them, which is a horrible outlook to have. The amount of questions as to WHY this STILL isn't working is immeasurable. I have a ton of ACTUAL questions on our next visit with the Dr as to what happens next. What I do know is we will go another round with the IUI and if that one doesn't take, then we will do the exploratory surgery, laparoscopy. Things they check for are endometriosis and adhesions from scar tissue. Or at least those are the two I know about. I would be lying if I said I'm not hoping they find something. I think I'm really searching for the WHY. At least then we know it's something fixable. But then again, that might be me being desperate.

So this is where we stand. It's taken me a VERY long time to be able to put this down into words. Part of me just hates the situation we're in and part of just didn't even know where to start. So from here, we just keep trying. We remind ourselves of what it is we're working towards and remind ourselves of how AMAZING it will be when we actually get a POSITIVE pregnancy test and how AMAZING it will be to actually welcome our little Acker into our world, because both of those things WILL happen. It's now our time yet, but it will be and the LOVE for this child we be such an amazing story to tell when all is said and done. :)