Phobias

I have this phobia of needles. Ever since I was little, any time I knew a shot was coming, the water works would start a pouring! The anticipation was always way worse than the actual shot itself, but to this day, I still HATE them. Even when I just have to get my blood drawn, I dread it. I do everything I can to remember I'm a BIG GIRL now and I can handle it.

So naturally, during this whole trying to make a baby process, I have been dreading the IVF step, because of all the injections I've heard about. Well the first week of injections has been pretty simple honestly. There is still that 5 seconds a pure fear before I jab the needle into my leg, but at least the sucker goes in. Yesterday, I started my 2nd injection in the evening. This one I've done before, but it has been about 2 months, so I did what I did last time and watched an instructional video via youtube about a million times, had my mini freak out session and shoved that shit in there. Again, not as bad as I was thinking, but it still makes a owwie.

I go back in on Friday for blood work and a check-in. Things seems to be progressing quickly now, after about a 2 month stand still. I've been avoiding The Bump, cause honestly going in blind has been a little better on the nerves than doing the overly researched thing. I just don't want to put any ideas into my head that I could possibly cling to.

All and all, the phobia is still there, but much I'm handling it much better. Or at least I think I am. My thighs look like my husband secretly beats me where no one can see. :) Thank God I don't plan on wearing any Daisy Dukes any time soon!!!!!

Update you guys on Friday!

Cysts Be Gone

The cysts are gone! We started meds on February 9th. Well, one med so far, Lupron, which is supposed to hold off ovulation. The injection have to be done in the morning, at the same time everyday, so I am having to administer the injection to myself. It was a little scary, but I just did it. I tried not to make it too much of a big deal and tried not to cry this time.  So far so good. We go back on Monday for our first baseline. I'm excited, that's it. If the baseline is good, we start the Gonal F, which is what we did in our last IUI. So it's good to be familiar with SOMETHING while in a brand new environment. If everything stays on track, were expecting the egg retrieval to be around the 30th.

Stay tuned folks!

THINK POSITIVE

It's been about 3 1/2 months since last I posted. I wish I could tell you I've been absent for some awesome reason, but I think I just needed a break from continuously feeding this blog with false hope and disappointment. OUCH, those are pretty painful words. My friend Stephanie has this energizing way with words. She effortlessly uses BIG and perfectly paired words that come to life as you read them aloud off the screen or page that you read them from. I wish I could use her brain and her words to articulate in a more amusing way how these journey really feels, but I am simply not as talented as her. I'm the more less talented Stephanie, so this journey fucking sucks.

I will spare you the entire devastating 3 month recap and just cut to the chase of where we are today. February 6th we decided to leave our OB and see a fertility specialist. Our February 7th visit with the feritilty specialist showed two cysts which had formed due to the last injectable cycle. This would mean we'd have to skip a cycle before proceeding with the next step, which would be IVF. It's VERY weird to be here. And even weird-er to think I knew we'd eventually be here. But my faith in our new DR has been some what renewed. I am trying to make peace with the last year and and half of our journey and accept that we are here and can't do anything about. Only God knows why and when and I have to be okay with it. A work in progress to say the least. It's not that I don't trust God, it's just that I am impatient. I have been dreaming on our little Georgia a lot lately, so I know she's coming. I just have to trust that she will come when he says we're ready.

Here's the skinny. February 9th was the first day of my last menstrual cycle. (Sometimes it's still a little shocking how close we are here) I started birth control pills, which will help get rid of the cysts and will take those through March 13th. We go in this Friday to see if the cysts are gone. If we get the green light, we will start the IVF meds on March 9th. I may be trying to psych myself out here a little bit, but I'm not so terrified of the meds. I have decided to NOT read anything about anyone else's experience, I don't need to get any ideas in my head. I am becoming familiar with the idea of being a human pin cushion and just trusting that Vance will be my knight in stabbing honor! :) I have the schedule of meds, but will spare you that nonsense. And will let you know what we hear on Friday.

We are hoping and praying for a one and done. And that's all I will say about that. I am sorry to have just abandoned you the last couple of months, but I am back. We're making Ackers here people, I can feel it!

The Flying Pig

It stings a bit to sign in and re-read the last few happy, positive posts, just to be writing this not so fun one. For quite some time I have not been a fan of at home pregnancy tests. For the very blatant reason of they are always negative. I mean who in the hell would like that? So for the most part, I don't even test on Day 12 after our IUI's, I just prefer to wait. Unfortunately in our situation the inevitable always seems to happen.  But this last round just felt SO hopeful. I had never gotten a positive ovulation reading and we actually did the IUI BEFORE my egg had even released, we just felt so ahead of the game this time. I did the unthinkable and started thinking I could tell everyone at Thanksgiving, while we were sharing what we were thankful for and it just all went to pot from there. In all the excitement, I created all by my lonesome, I decided not only to test, but to test early and to test early twice. WHY!?? Testing day this last cycle was to be Sunday, November 25th. I tested on Wednesday, November 21st and got a negative and then again on Friday, November 23rd. After that I gave up. I am naturally a very anxious person and have been having a really difficult time controlling my nerves during this whole process, especially around the testing part of these cycles. So if the tests are correct, I will be awaiting dooms day on Thursday and the start of a whole other cycle to come. After about a two day melt down and I dragged myself out of bed, wiped away tears from my puffy eyes and logged into The Bump. The one thing I have found the infertility community board to be helpful with is simply not feeling like an absolute basket case. It makes me feel like it's okay that I have these breakdowns and that it's okay that EVERY TIME I hear someone I know is pregnant my first reaction is to cry and ask why. I know it's not the right thing to do, but it's just what happens and right now it feels like it can't be helped. So to all the ladies on the infertility board, THANK YOU for sharing your absolute worst days with me and the rest of the ladies. As hard as it is, it helps.

I also wanted to introduce you my new little friend, The Flying Pig. While doing a little Christmas shopping to lift my spirits, I stumbled across this series of voodoo dolls. This little dude is supposed to help with mood swings and help me live a relaxed and carefree lifestyle. Believe me...I'M TRYING!

Fingers Crossed

Not sure how one can have a GREAT IUI, but I think I just did. Feeling good about this one. Fingers crossed!

Lucky Number 13

Today has been a GREAT morning. First off, after over a year and a half of this baby making stuff, I officially got my first ever positive ovulation reading, on one of those at home kits. CRAZY. After peeing on those things for like a year and never seeing that damn smiley face, I honestly have to say I never thought I would see the day.

As you know, I ovulated early last cycle, while in Denver, CO, with my husband in Austin, TX. Not the best of situations, so we missed our first IUI window after the surgery. I had a sneaking suspicion that I may just be an early ovulator (is that a word?) so I bought a kit to make sure I wasn't missing things this time. And it worked! I went in this morning, on my lucky day (13), wearing my lucky sweater and lucky shoes, and luckily we have a big ole lucky egg, just waiting to be fertilized. :) We go in tomorrow morning for our IUI and are staying oober positive. Positive Thoughts = Positive Pregnancy Test...right?

On a side note, my friend Sarah who went through a very similar baby making story just delivered her beautiful baby boy this past weekend. It was such an amazing feeling to know there is light at this very long, very dark tunnel we've been in! She has been such a crutch during this process. It sucks that we were in this boat together, but I was really nice to have someone to share the ugly truth with. I am so happy for her and for her husband and for their new little family! And I can't wait to meet him.

Belly Invasion

I have been invaded by pregnancy bellies. They are EVERYWHERE. My waitresses, my bank teller, my dental hygienist, my co-worker, random ladies in every retail store I shop at, even freakin' dogs are sportin' their bellies around me.

HELP ME NOW.