Today while watching footage of the explosion in West, I instantly teared up. I teared up for the people who lost their lives, for the people who lost their loved ones, for the injured and for the brave rescuers who risked their lives to save others. I teared up remembering the tragic incident, not but a couple days prior, in Boston and all the people affected there. I teared up because as painful as our journey here has been, I still have my life and my husband and our family and friends. We are all alive and healthy and safe for today. And when you step back and look at the big picture, there is nothing left but to be grateful and thankful to God for what you have. There is no time to question WHY. This has brought me to a place of peace with our test results from lat Sunday. It's not our time yet.
We decided to spend the first back of our weekend at the lake with Vance's family. I took off Friday from work, picked up Vance's grandmother and headed out for some sun and relaxation. His Aunt and Uncle and Mom and Step Dad were all meeting us there as well. We thought the distraction we be nice, instead of sitting at home counting down the minutes to 8:00 am on Sunday. Thursday I noticed some dark discharge. Both Vance and my best friend wanted me to call my nurse to let her know. I didn't really see any reason to though. I didn't really think there was much she could tell me honestly. She couldn't predict what they discharge meant anymore than I could. But by Friday it had gotten heavier and started to turn red-ish. So I emailed my nurse and she let me know that early pregnancy bleeding was completely normal and than I was just relax and hydrate. I did my best to do just that. But each bathroom trip was just making me more and more paranoid, because the color was turning more and more red. By Friday afternoon I was starting to cramp. So I did what any other sane desperate infertility hopeful would do and jumped on google. I was reading all sorts of forum and group posts about infertility. What kinds of symptoms people experienced or didn't and trying to link which symptoms lead to a positive or negative test result. Turned out a lot of now or then pregnant ladies had the dark discharge as well and a lot of them experienced period like cramps. I was able to go to bed a little more at ease that night. Then Saturday came.
I woke up to what I would call a period for all intensive purposes. I was cramping and bloated and my boobs didn't hurt one bit. (Not even when a pinched them!) I was pretty sure I couldn't convince myself any longer, that this could be a pregnancy. My mood started to shift and that anxious feeling of wanting Sunday to here already was out the door. I would be okay if Sunday never came. Since we had to be a the lab so early on Sunday we opted to drive back home Saturday evening. We got home about 6:30 pm. I was so exhausted I didn't unpack or even shower! I set my alarm for what I thought was 6:40 am, tucked myself into bed, yes at 6:30 pm, turned the tv on and just zoned out. I didn't move. Vance cleaned the living room, vacuumed mopped, gathered the trash, picked up the kitchen. And I just watched as he bounced from room to room picking things up.
Sunday I woke up at 5:37 am. I know this because when I woke up and tried to go back to sleep without success, I finally grabbed my phone to see how much longer I had before I had to get up. So I just laid there. And laid there for so long, that I did eventually fall back asleep A sleep so HARD that I slept right through 6:40 am, when my alarm was supposed to go off and didn't wake up until 7:40 am, the time my alarm was ACTUALLY set for. Panic and terror were running through my veins. I yelled, "SHIT!". Through back the covers, pulled on my yoga pants, grabbed my glasses and purse and told Vance I'm leaving. To which he replied in the most concerned and genuinely manner possible, "Don't you want me to go with you?". I snapped back something about not being able to wait for him to get ready, that I have to go all the way downtown and it's already 7:45 and that they were just drawing blood, I wasn't going to find anything out there! I grabbed my cycle chart that had the number to the lab on it, my purse and my keys and was out the door. (This is one of my shining Wife moments by far.)
In the car I could feel the tears swelling in my eyes and my breathing starting to get very shallow. I called my Aunt and she did her best to translate what I was saying through snot and tears. I just let out every thought, every what if and every WHY that had been circling my mind in the last 48 hours. It must have been bad because at one point she asked if I need to pull over so she could come pick me up? To which I replied, "I DON'T HAVE TIME!" (Again with the stellar-ness!) I then realized my exit was close and I needed to call the lab and find out exactly where they were located, so I hung up with my Aunt and dialed the lab.
Of course they are located in one of the biggest hospitals in Austin!!! WHY WOULDN'T THEY BE!!! There are only 5 parking garages to chose from and several building options. This morning was just going seemingly. Once I hung up with the lab, I set my phone down on my passenger side seat to try and gather myself. I thought, it's not enough that I look like a hobo/crack head right now, who didn't even brush her teeth by the way, maybe I shouldn't go in there huffing and puffing like a crazed lunatic as well. But as I set the phone down I realized I forget the FREAKIN' lab slip. I mean seriously. At this point I just started yelling obscenities. What else was there left to do???? I call Vance, who answers the phone asking if I'm okay. I bypass his concern, yet again, and tell him he needs to scan my lab slip and email it over to me. He took the orders like I just gave him missile launch codes and hung up very quickly. I pulled into the parking garage, ran across the street to enter the hospital and frantically started looking for the directory. The lab was on the first floor, quite possibly the ONLY good news of the day, and I made my way there.
I walked in, no one else there THANK GOD, and practically threw myself on the counter. The poor lady behind the counter had no idea what was coming when she asked if she could help me. Through tear soaked eyes I explained to her the series of events that occurred that morning. I over slept, it was past 8:00 am, I forgot my slip and I hadn't brushed my teeth...Was I too late? She wasn't able to use Vance's email, but was able to call my nurse for a new lab slip. 15 minutes later blood was drawn and i was on my way back home. That was quite possible the most intense 40 minutes of my life.
I walked in the door and went straight to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I looked in the mirror and decided the only other thing I was going to do to get ready for the day was lent roll my yoga pants. I didn't have the energy for anything else. I wanted to look how I felt, how dramatic!!! We decided to go grab a bite to eat and then were going to the movies. We went to see The Croods. It was exactly what I needed. But wasn't quite long enough. We had to wait until 1:30 pm to call for results and we got out at about 12:30 pm. We made an impromptu trip to Academy and then decided to head back home and take the pups to the park. We got done about 1:45 pm. I walked straight in, grabbed my phone and paged my nurse. Not 3 minutes later my phone rang and she was so sorry she wasn't calling with better news...
I finished the rest of our conversation with a lump the size of Africa in my throat. I thanked her, hung up the phone, sat on the edge of my bed and buried my face in my hands. Vance walked into the room and knelt down in front of me. He talked, I listed and nodded along in agreement while I cried. I slowly backed myself into the bed and pulled the covers up over my nose and just laid there with my thoughts and my broken heart.
Hour later we made dinner and did our best to fall back into our normal evening routine. And that's just how these things go. You spend two weeks oozing positivity and telling yourself this time fells different, feels good. And then you spend the next two weeks just KNOWING it's going to be positive, because it just HAS to be. And then in a matter of a 30 second phone call, it's all gone. Poof, just like that. And you wonder will I EVER have the strength, the faith, the will power to do that all over again?
If I had to give you that answer on Sunday, it would have been no. Today the answer is yes. Our love is stronger than this. Our faith in God is stronger than this. Our patience is stronger that this. WE are stronger than this. And I want to tell our son and/or daughter that I NEVER once gave up the dream of being their Mommy...NOT ONCE.
Thank you for giving me the time to make it to this place. And thank you for letting me share this with you. My hope is that our story will touch just one other couple who is going through the same thing and make them feel like their not alone.
* Today I share my story in honor of the Bostonians and the people of West. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your families, friends and rescuers.
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