Are You Tracking With Me?

We just got back from our San Diego trip this past Sunday. And I have to admit, this whole year of travel we're doing in 2015 is off to a great start. San Diego, and all of its constituents, was AMAZING. Everything about that place was just beautiful and chill. In fact, that should be the cities slogan. We stayed in La Jolla and practically ate our way through Prospect St. We hit up Pacific Beach, Mission Beach (might be the same things) and Coronado Beach, where the sand sparkled and I could have lived forever. On the sand, not the water, because the water was freezing cold. The food was never disappointing, the people all looked so relaxed and tan (that couldn't be good for their skin, right!?) and the weather was a perfect 75 degrees all week. Did I mention I could easily live there????

Since we've been back this week, getting back into our work routines and sharing our vacation stories and pictures with everyone, I haven't really had time to think about all the baby stuff lately. But I did have a fleeting moment yesterday when I realized that had we not decided to put things on hold this year, we'd be starting up our next cycle. It made me sad. Deciding not to do any fertility cycles this year is not about NOT wanting to get pregnant, it's about focusing on getting healthier to better my chances of getting pregnant when we do start things up again next year. But, what if that doesn't necessarily happen??? This has been on my mind A LOT lately. What if at the end of the year, I have lost no weight and am physically no better off than when this year started, what does that mean????

I've also been wondering if the reason I am unable to really apply myself to the better eating is because weight loss is my last hope at getting pregnant. What if I lose the 100 lbs and STILL don't get pregnant???? I will then have tried EVERYTHING within my power to be able to carry my own child. And that is heart breaking. So if I never try, then I'll never know. Believe me, I know how dumb that sounds and I know there are other alternatives to having a family, but right now, in this moment, it's devastating.

Another round of pregnant friends has just started, which means another round of baby showers and another round of forcing smiles and pretending like being around and part of those things doesn't utterly destroy me. But everyone has their kryptonite and right now, in this moment, this is mine.

Sometimes I wonder what I will think about these last 4 years once we're parents. Will I think my feelings were justified? Will I think I wasted 4 years moping around when I could have been maximizing our days as kid free adults? Will I be given a chance to reflect back at all as a Mother? I can only hope...

My inner Beyonce (yes, you read that right. I have an inner Beyonce) says be fierce, don't let this cripple you. Just do you boo-boo. Live life to the fullest and soak up your blessings. I think I might need to listen to her more often.

This post is all over the place. Our pastor uses the phrase, "Are you tracking with me?" He uses it a lot. Mainly when he bounces between multiple bible verses during his sermons. I think he looks up and see the faces of our congregation and thinks, let me pause to make sure you guys are following along. Maybe I should pause here to see if YOU GUYS are following along. DO your minds ever just wonder from one thought to the next? Mine ALWAYS does, I can NEVER turn it off. Its exhausting. I read a few other blogs and they just seem so organized and eloquent. I am neither.

I guess in summary, San Diego was a nice getaway from reality, but when we got got to reality, reality hit kind of hard.

Bye for now...

Stephanie and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Two Weeks

What a doozie this past two weeks have been. Life has been changed ever so slightly in our household. My husbands 18 year old brother has moved in with us. Since he arrived here in Austin, we have been showing him the royal treatment around our a favorite eating joints. This little break in my better eating routine was music to my ears, more so my stomach. But it did send me spiraling out of control. And the nose dive has lasted a solid two   weeks. Actually, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure that is really over. All I have been doing is craving and lining up my next meals, even before I've fully digested the last one. It's so embarrassing. At least last week I had a conscious about it. I was feeling guilty and down about my decisions. But that didn't change the outcome, sadly enough. I even skipped boxing last week, which I haven't wanted to do in a very long time. The class before was such a struggle to make it through. I felt so fatigued and heavy and out of breath. On Thursday, I just couldn't bring myself to go through that again. The frustrating thing is that those feelings didn't kick me back into eating better. They only drove me to eat more and even worse. It's crippling to feel like I have no control over my actions or decisions.

Even now, as I spent all day yesterday telling myself, "this is it. Today is the last day of bad eating," I am sitting here contemplating what to have for lunch. And not a what health lunch item am I going to have contemplation. I am having a can I just eat what I want to eat for lunch contemplation. I feel like my own worst enemy. And that feels terrible.

I am not sure how things will go today. Breakfast went as it should, so hopefully I can keep things moving from there. But, just not sure where to go from here. How do I just make the switch and be done with it, you know. The struggle is so real, yet seems so silly. I'm not sure if there is a rhyme or reason to this post. I think I just needed to vent. Get the thoughts out on virtual paper, so they might stop circling my head. But I just get so down on myself and it almost feels impossible at times to change things around. That's all I have.

Bye for now.

WHY DO I SUCK AT FOOD?

This image has been floating around my social media streams lately and it just seems so appropriate. In one image, I can sum up how I've been feeling about changing my eating habits.

I feel like that's how I should end this post. Those two sentences and this one image. Eating healthy or healthier than I have been is quite possibly the hardest thing I've had to do. Being in a constant state of evaluation as WHY I am wanting what I want is miserable. Can't a girl just want to go hard into a over sized jar of Nutella simply because it tastes good and she wants to??????? Does there have to be deep hidden desires behind EVERY craving I have? This week has been tough. And even though I find myseld going through the motion and making better decisions here and there, it has not at all been without excessive obsessing over all the things I would rather be eating. One of my biggest problems is becoming aware that healthy full feels MUCH different than bad full. Let me back up a post and expand on our little Smash Burger adventure. If you aren't familiar, you can get caught up here.

Just to give a tiny re-cap, Sunday evening was by far the most unhealthy eating I did all last week. I had been doing great all day. For breakfast I had half a Belvita breakfast biscuit package and my cup of coffee and for lunch we had sandwiches (on wheat, no mayo) and I was feeling pretty proud of myself. We shared a juice after our hiking outing and things were looking positive. 6:00 pm rolled around and we were sitting down to a dinner of blackened cod with a double serving of asparagus. We finished eating around 6:30 pm and immediately we both felt unsatisfied. I went to the fridge and grabbed us an energy bite thinking we just needed to finish the meal off with something sweet. 15 minutes later we were starring at each other simply feeling hungry still. So back to the fridge I went to cut up some fresh strawberries. We hovered those and again about 15 minutes later, still hungry. Our last stitch attempt to satisfy our hunger beast was a artichoke/red potato dish I had picked up earlier from The Soup Peddler. After a few bites we were aware that there was nothing in our household that was going to do the trick. That's when the negotiations started. Needless to say we found ourselves in route to Smash Burger around 7:45 pm. We both ordered our own individual meal and proceeded to to HOOVER them down NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER. As we walked out with our heads hung low and shame radiating from our hearts it was very apparent that this journey is not going to be easy.

I couldn't figure out where I went wrong. Minus the getting in the car and driving to Smash Burger part. But what we've come to realize is that healthy full can easily be mistaken for not full. And I need to wrap my head around the idea that just because I am not miserably busting at the seams doesn't mean I am not full and satisfied. We felt horrible after Smash Burger, both mentally and physically. So much so that I forced us to walk the around the shopping center three times before getting in the car to drive home. I was bloated and stuffed and gas-y and just disappointed that I didn't have the strength to say no. But as easy as it is for me to beat myself up, I am going to try to just call it a lesson learned and move on. 

So what lessons did I learn exactly?

1. I don't have to eat to the point of no return in order to be full and satisfied.
2. We need to leave less awake hours between our last meal or snack and dinner. That way we aren't just up and constantly thinking about what we CAN eat.
3. I am going to slip up. But as long as I pick myself back up and continue toward the end result, I am still making GREAT progress.

What have you guys done to help keep you on track during the early stages of a eating overhaul?

Bye for now.

Imma Go HARD

Last week was such a mind trip. I've really had to dig deep into myself to start discovering why I eat the way I eat and to start the process of figuring out how to re-train my brain when it comes to food. It's like, totally, no fun, at all. So while my mind and heart have been busy plugging away at that issue, my body has been serving up a hard core dish of ass kickin' in the gym. I got to release all that stress somehow, right? This is what my workout schedule looked like last week...

Monday- 5:00 pm 1 hour circuit/trx training + 1 hour substitute trainer at boxing (more on this later)
Tuesday- 6:30 pm 1 hour boxing
Wednesday- 6:30 pm 1 hour substitute trainer at boxing (wait for it) + Volleyball game
Thursday- 6:30 pm 1 hour boxing

My bangs are STILL dripping sweat! And I like it! Okay not so much really, but I did feel like a badass in the gym. And that was refreshing, since the yang (eating habits) to my yin (exercise) seems to be all out of whack. I was able to stick to a pretty decent eating plan last week as well. I've stuck to mostly My Fit Foods for lunches, snacks and dinners. In the morning I had either oatmeal or a Belvita Bar with my coffee. My sweet tooth I've kept at bay with fruit and these little no bake energy bites. They are so yummy and I can make in batches, so I am prepared for the week. BONUS!

There were a few slips ups. Friday I some dental work done in the morning. By the time I woke up around 6:00 pm starving and craving Chinese food. So my sweet husband obliged by craving and I had some lo mein noodles. Since my mouth wasn't 100% I didn't do the usual damage, but still not the most healthiest of choices. On Saturday the overwhelming craving that hit me was greek food. So we found ourselves dining at Tino's for dinner. Although chicken and salad doesn't sound terrible, I just kept thinking about all the hidden sugar I was eating! Don't get me wrong, I still finished my meal, but I at least found myself thinking about what I was shoveling into my mouth, rather than just eating blindly. Again, baby steps.

Sunday was probably the biggest down fall me for. I will talk more about this in a later post (Lost to say) but let;s just say I fell so far off the band wagon, for a second, I wasn't sure I would ever be able to hop back on! Breakfast, dinner, afternoon snack and dinner number one (yes, you read that correctly) were all pretty good meals. We ate dinner number one at 6:00 pm. We had blackened cod and asparagus. Delicious and healthy, right!!!!? Come 6:30 pm, we were filling unsatisfied. So we grabbed a couple energy bites and were still filling unfulfilled. Around 7:00 pm I was cutting up strawberries and sampling a red potato and artichoke dish I picked up from The Soup Peddler earlier in the weekend. You would think with all that, we would eventually hit a filling of fullness that would be acceptable. Well, you are wrong. By 7:30 pm we heading to Smash Burger. We had convinced ourselves that a cheeseburger and fries was the only way to really feel satisfied. So we drove there, ordered and ate like we hadn't eaten all day. Not to mention just an hour earlier!!! It was so embarrassing. But again, the embarrassment didn't hinder me/us at all from continuing the action. When we walked out the door, I decided we needed to not drive straight home and go to bed. Cause that's what we wanted to do. We took a few laps around the shopping center we were in and talked about the events that had just gone down. I'll be sharing said conversation later on today. Long story short, it was a good reminder that this journey is really going to take time.

Back to the easy stuff, we rounded out the weekend with a hike on Saturday and a late night stroll on Sunday (before mentioned shopping center stroll). Typically, we tend to be less active on the weekends, but I am making it a point to at least get a few activities in. This weekend coming up I am trying out a yoga class. I am hoping if this class becomes a regular standing part of my schedule it will really help with my flexibility. I am terrible at stretching. It's just so BORING, hahaha.

How did you guys do last week. And what are some weekend activities that you enjoy to stay active?

Hi, My Name Is Stephanie And I Am An Addict.

Has you ever been told you can't have something? I'm sure most of us have and I'm sure most of us didn't like it. I am also going to assume the moment you were told you couldn't have said thing, it was ALL YOU COULD THINK ABOUT. Isn't it funny how our minds works. Even if this thing is bad for us we mourn its loss in our life. We ask WHY we can't have it. We justify all the reason we SHOULD have it. And the worst of it all, we DENY that is really is THAT BAD FOR US. We become the exception to the rule. We just know that although this thing is terrible for EVERYONE ELSE, it's really NOT THAT BAD for us.

This week while diving into the deep end of dieting/ lifestyle change research I have found myself confronting my worst frienemy...SUGAR. Frienemy is like the most perfect word ever invented by a teenage girl to describe my relationship with sugar. Sugar is that BIG BITCH who I just want to be close to all the time, but have no idea WHY I like her so much. She is a terrible person and does terrible things to me, but somehow I still go back for more. Why do I do this to myself and more importantly, HOW do I break the cycle.

So far, the answer is quit cold turkey. I am having HUGE issues with this recommendation. One, cause I don't wanna. Two, cause I don't wanna.I have since been making a list of all the yummy goodness that I will be missing out on. The chocolate cake, the donuts, the cupcakes, the cheesecake, the brownies, the tiramisu, the cookies, the NUTELLA... And then it hit me. I really do have an addiction to sugar. Do sane people think this way? Is it normal that before my appetizer even gets brought to our table I am deciding on what I will have for dessert?? Anyone?????? And if sugar is, in fact, the root of all evil, as all the research shows, is it the reason I have such issues with my stomach and can't seem to really lose the weight I want!!!??? Again, what a BIG BITCH!!!!

I am now wishing I was still in the ignorance is bliss bucket, just skipping along, eating anything and everything I wanted, completely blind to the fact that I've been slowly killing myself with sugar. And did you know that sugar is in like EVERYTHING! I know you think I'm trying to be funny here, but when you never really care to pay attention, you just don't know these things. But the stuff is EVERYWHERE. So even on days when I thought I had eaten in a somewhat "healthy" manner, I wasn't. And when I treated myself to sweet indulgences because I thought I deserved them, I was just laying sugar on sugar on sugar. Big ole sugar party for one. I just feel really stupid and I also feel really sad. I am stupid and sad and that is just where this process has led me to this week.

Have any of you been here before? How did you get through it? I've been praying. Praying so hard for wisdom and for understanding and for strength to really approach this change from a better angle than I ever have before. I know my eating habits thus far have been sinful, glutenous, to take it super old school and I know they need to change. But its how to start implementing the change that I am dealing with, And honestly, I feel like I am in mourning a little bit, as dramatic as that sounds. I am mourning a lifestyle that I've become accustomed to. I am mourning my current relationship status with desserts and that status is like FULL ON LOVE OBSESSED.

I am hoping once I make it through the fog of sorrow, I might start to see the bright side to saying goodbye to sugar. I don't want to talk about them now, I mean hello people, does it sounds like I'm remotely ready for that!!!!????? But the important thing is I know there is one. Thanks for listening to be rant and rave, scream and cry. I would love to hear from you if you've struggled with removing something you love from your diet.

Bye for now.

The Hello's and Goodbye's of 2015

Whenever I take a long break from posting, I like to take a minute and re-read my last post, to remember where things left off. I do this for you my readers, but selfishly, I do it for myself as well. My last post was on August 15th and I was venting about my ability to handle pregnancy announcements. I find this hilarious because a lot of what I will be sharing with you today revolves around all the pregnancy announcements we've received since the New Year. So even though 5 months have passed, we really are right where we left off, which is struggling with feelings and still not pregnant.

Let me back up a few steps and tell you that we have still been on a break since May when we lost our first pregnancy. The break has been good for our hearts and for our sanity, but hasn't really been the break we were hoping for. "The break" really translates into not actively participating in fertility treatments. "The break" is no way, shape or form has ever been the chance to stop thinking about the almost 4 years we have been trying to make a family. These breaks have never been successful in turning the switch off so to speak. Am I getting my point across??? My body appreciates not physically have to go into appointments multiple times a week, not having to take medications daily and not having to take pregnancy test every couple of months. But my mind has been given no rest what so ever. Sometimes I think it never will.

We've been talking a lot of the past couple months about when we'd be ready to try again. Back in May we said January, give ourselves the rest of 2014 to grieve, be mad, and just recover. But as January started to approach it just felt rushed. I knew mentally I wasn't ready and that my heart still needed some healing. So in December we decided to push things back to April. We leave for San Diego in March and just wanted to fully enjoy vacation before coming back to the doom and gloom that has been trying to make a baby. And I think that's when it hit me...I shouldn't think of this endeavor as doom and bloom. That isn't the right attitude to have towards it. I'm setting us up for failure before we've even tried again, how productive is that????

If you've been following at all, you'll know that along with infertility I have had a long time struggle with my weight. I am an emotional eater and often seek comfort in the foods I eat. Because of these habits I have created a home in a body I don't quite recognize or feel comfortable in anymore. And I think its time that I do something about it. I need to focus my energy elsewhere for a while, and why not let it be on my soul and my health. My doctor has told me several times while losing weight won't guarantee us a successful pregnancy, it can no way, shape or form hurt our chances. I think I owe this to myself for several different reasons. Those reasons can and will be another post all together. My husband agrees that if we are going to get back into the game of trying, it should be with our best foot forward. So what does this all mean??? It means we have made the executive decision to officially take Making Ackers off the table for 2015. I have started the search for a nutritionist and along with my counselor I want to devote this year to understand my issues with food and then work to solve them and get healthier and back into a body that I love and can be proud of and that in the end will glorify my creator. I read this week that our body is a temple, which houses Christ within us. Some temple I've made!!!!!!

I have attempted and failed at this journey SEVERAL times in the past. My track record isn't good. But all I can say is this time feels different. I don't feel rushed or pressured or motivated by the wrong reason. I feel like tackling this from a heart issue perspective is a new angle that has never been explored before and I am actually excited to see what all I find out about myself and how God will guide me through this new path.

I thought about starting a new blog for this part of my life, but isn't it all still working towards the same goal???? It's part of the big picture, its part of journey and I hope you stick around to see what all God has in store for us.

Bye For Now.

Getting Hype

Timing is everything. Especially when it comes to deciding when to exercise. Let me start by stating that I am not necessarily a lazy person, however, I want to be. I want to be cool with just laying in bed or on the couch and watching tv all day while snacking on goodies. In an ideal life, that set up would be mighty fine with me. I don't necessarily LOVE being outside, I'm not outdoorsy if you will. But I've been known to go on a hike or two and I love the lake, kayaking, swimming, etc. The concept of running or walking is just boring. I've been doing the Couch to 5K, because I have to, right, but I don't LOVE it or anything. In order to trick myself into thinking exercise if fun, I am more of a group class girl. Classes like zumba, yoga and my most favorite as of late, my boxing class! I am NOT a morning person, so therefore I am left with doing the exercise piece after work. Which honestly is like THE LAST thing I want to do after 8+ hours of the grind. But you gotta do, what you gotta do!

So how do I get hype for class, how do I keep finding the motivation to press forward toward my goal of getting healthier??? Well, so glad you asked. First off, I picture this woman. Have I mentioned my obsession with the Bey? She just be workin' it. I strive to be fit enough, strong enough to spend 30 minutes in a squat position like a bad ass. Who wouldn't?

SURFBOARD

Next, while envisioning the before mentioned Bey, I suit up!

On The Run Tour bandanna. #OTR

And then by some form of GROWN WOMAN MAGIC, I am embodied with DIVA status that just gets the blood pumping through my veins. I am then washed over with a tremendous sense of SUPERWOMAN-ness that allows me to conquer things like the 49-move Challenge Coin Combo! I was the first one in my Tier 2 class to do it! SO fun and gives me such a feeling of accomplishment!

Challenge Coin Combo CRUSHED!

How do you get hype for exercise when you don't wanna???

Bye for now.

Under Construction

It's amazing the number of emotions and feelings and processes the body can go through in a matter of days. After my HSG procedure on Monday I was in a rotten place. I use the word rotten because the term bad mood doesn't do it justice. My bad mood had some stank on it and I pretty much stayed in that mood for the duration of the day. We had LifeGroup that evening. The specific study we are working on asked us to share our testimony. I got pretty emotional when reading my aloud. My testimony, my story revolves around control issues. You can imagine the severe connection. We asked our LifeGroup to pray for us for peace and for guidance with the decisions that we have coming our way and for me to find a way to let go of the anger and the hurt. Even after all that, I didn't necessarily feel better.

Tuesday I met with the Pastor of our church. This feeling of being angry at God just wasn't sitting well with me our my soul. I don't want to be angry with him, but I am having a hard time working my way out of that. I was really nervous going to see him, but in the long run it did nothing but help. I would even go as far as to say I felt instantly better. We talked about my control issues and that it's okay to grieve. He told me it is perfectly normal to have all these competing emotions happening at once. We're human. He gave me some great insight into listening for God. And how all things, all the hurt, the pain, the waiting are for good through God's works. And that his path is all for his glory. Sometimes you just need someone to slow you down and remind you of these things. It is so easy to get tangled up in the bad. I left there with multiple things to talk about, but like I said, I just left a little lighter, like I was able to put down a piece of the burden I have been carrying around for the past month or so.

This morning I had my cycle review appointment with my Dr. Funny enough, the appointment went just as I expected. He had no real answers to any of the questions I had, but for whatever reason I just needed to hear it from the horses mouth. He thinks taking the rest of the year off is a fine decision. In fact, he said once we are ready, we will keep doing exactly what we have been doing as far as meds and doses, because in essence it is working, ie the positive pregnancy test. We just haven't transferred the right embryo yet. YET. The only other thing he could suggest, that could help us out, would to work at getting to a more ideal body weight. The last time he suggested this I lost it. I was embarrassed and hurt and completely broke down in front of him. But this time, it just felt like a part of the game plan. Do I dare say do-able? I made it through the whole appointment without a tear! Seems childish, but that was a huge accomplishment. So come January, or whenever we decide the time is right, we will pick things back up right where we're leaving them. I am not even sad about this time off, I am hoping that's because it's exactly what we need right now. So bear with me while this little blog takes a detour to getting healthy. I do hope you stick around and share your journeys and stories. 

I know this overnight change can come and go and thank you for being such great listeners. 

Bye for now.

Three Second Rule

So we all know the three second rule. If you drop a food item on the floor and are able to recover it within three seconds, it's good to go. God made dirt and dirt don't hurt, right!? Well, God also made cake, pies, brownies, cookies, chocolate bars and tiramisu and those scrumptious pieces of heaven do hurt...they hurt my ass!!! On Monday night a terrible co-worker brought in homemade brownies. These brownies in particular are like my FAVORITE. I was able to pull from every source of will power in my body to avoid said brownies all day. I left like Superwoman. Especially because this terrible co-worker set up shop in the cubicle in front of me. So every time I left and came back, I had to pass them. So for 8 hours straight, I avoided temptation. THEN at LifeGroup that night, another terrible human being, made her famous chocolate chip cookies. I mean seriously, is the world out to get me!!!! I ate a little extra dinner to try and make myself full as possible, so that even taking one bites of those cookies was impossible. And it worked. The whole two hours I was there, I avoided them at all costs. I was pretty freakin' proud of myself, even high-fived Vance over this small victory. One small step for Stephanie, one GIANT step for fatties everywhere. :)

But then Tuesday came. I was HORRIBLE. I got home and we had leftover bundt cake from my Dad's birthday. I knew I should have just thrown it out! Without hesitating, I took that bad boy out and DEVOURED. I mean gone in an instant. It was impressive, yet disgusting. All that hard work on Monday to be good and avoid temptation, just out the door. I started thinking this morning what the difference between Monday and yesterday was. Why was I able to fight the good fight on Monday, but completely give in on Tuesday?

I've come to the conclusion I need to insert a three second rule into my life. Before I dive in mouth first into whatever mouthwatering dessert I'm looking to devour, I need to take three seconds to ask myself, is this worth it, am I going to feel guilty after I eat this, do I REALLY need to have this. At least then I give myself some time to walk away. I think if I block out all the logical thoughts, I just go for it and the minute I remove the spoon or fork from the last bite I am in the bad place, just like that. So that's the new game plan. It's not that I think this new rule will keep me from EVER divulging, but at least there will be some conscious thought behind now. Or at least, here's to hoping!

How do you try to beat the inner cookie monster?

Bye for now.

One Out Of Three Ain't Bad...But It Ain't Good Either!

I am doing SO great with my breakfast, dinner and snack selections during the day. Like REALLY good. Boxing and c25k have been going great as well. BUT, I seem to lose grips when it comes to dinner! For instance, here is how yesterday went down...

Breakfast

• Spark pink lemonade Drink 45 calories
• Belvita blueberry breakfast bar 230 calories

Lunch

• MyFit Food ground lemon turkey small lunch 290 calories
• Pretzels 110 calories
• Laughing Cow swiss cheese wedge 35 calories
• Chocolate Milk 120 calories

Snack

• Skinny Cow peanut butter crisp bar 110 calories

Dinner

• Advocare mocha meal replacement shake 220 calories

SECOND DINNER

• TWO bean and cheese tacos!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!

So this has pretty much been the trend. One out of every 3 meals of the day I am totally bombing!!!! It is so frustrating to be so close to doing good, but not able to make the final turn. What have you guys done to close the final gap on those last few pieces of the puzzle???

Bye for now.

Not So Much A Blurpee

There are SEVERAL reasons to not like blurpees, but as I learned yesterday evening, the main one for me might me that they are not called blurpees at all. Burpees, come to find out, are just as equally miserable though. Dropping the the "l" did nothing to make they more like-able, more enjoy-able nor do-able. Burpees are a bitch and like any other girl fight, I have to psych myself up to tackle these beasts. Now, to be clear, I don't just have a personal goal to be able to crank out some flawless burpees for no reason. It was brought to my attention a couple months ago that our Tier 2 test at Pink Gloves Boxing will include a 2 minute and 20 second burnout round of burpees. WTF! Now, I sat and watched the last group of Tier 2 girls all accomplish this, so I know it's possible, but dear Lord, how am I EVER going to get to that level!!!????

Right now, I am a modify burpee-ier and they are STILL impossible and terrible as crap. I have roughly 2 months to go from a modifier to a full blown ass-kicker of burpees. It was last night after class that I realized its my middle section and my mind that more than likely holding me up at the moment. First, there is to much jelly in my belly to jumping out and into a push-up position and a squat position so flawlessly. Second, my mind can't even begin to communicate the motion to my body about how to execute this movement. So often, between reps, I just find myself starring in the mirror utterly confused as to how to even begin. Hahahaa. I bet the girls are thinking, Poor Steph, she's having such a hard time focusing still, when in reality poor Steph is just FAT and can't for the life of her figure out how to burpee!

So this has become my motivation to focus a little more energy on eating better. When I lost that 15 lbs, not so long ago, the one place I noticed it was in my belly. It wasn't flat by any means, but it became less predominant. I need more of that less predominant belly to help with the movement. So the goal is to do at least 10 burpees a day, modified or non-modified to get my body comfortable with the movement and to build up my tolerance to this hellacious workout.

What's the workout that gives you the most trouble and how are you working to get better at it?

Bye for now.

Back In The Saddle

Just realized I never posted this one...

Last night (As in LAST TUESDAY) was my first class back at boxing. Oh how I've missed those girls! The location where class is held is a little unconventional (there are plans in the works for a location change!) and there is no central cooling system in the main gym area. In some parts that might not necessarily be an issue, but here in Texas in hotter n hell and that could easily be cause for death! Sweat beads are just streaming down my hairline, neckline, eyebrow line and that's just after our 10 minute warm up!!!! Last night I found myself thinking, this is what hot yoga must feel like. As brutal as it was, I made it through and after being gone for more than 2 weeks I wasn't sure if that was possible. It felt good to sweat it all out and punch the crap out of the bags and my trainer! And I finally got my pink wraps, so it feels like I am officially in Tier 2 now!!!!

Repin' my new pink wraps! And hey, follow me on Instagram @stephlacker

In other news, we FINALLY got the curtains hung up in our master bedroom, as in finally THIS morning. These beautiful bad boys have been sitting pretty on our dresser, just waiting to be opened and hung. Aren't they pretty! Both panels and rods are from West Elm. We haven't done much to the house as of late, so it's nice to have something new and pretty up to admire. Any projects you guys are working on in your house?????

So that's what our world is looking like this (LAST) week. Staying busy and pressing on!

Bye for now.

Running the Gamut

It would be so easy to let the sadness wash over me. To slink into my bed, turn the lights out, pull the covers over my heard and just be done with everything else going around me. If I am being honest, it's what I want to do. If I'm being more honest, it's what I've done in the past. And if I'm being like SUPER honest, it's what I thought I would be doing right now. Instead, I've decided to try the road less traveled...by me. The road that has no why me's, why us, what did I do wrong, its not fair. This road feels way less burdened, less heavy, less all consuming and so I think I'll stay a while. I want to come out of this a better person, to have used this hurt for good, for the better of our marriage and for the better of relationship with God. I jokingly told my best friend the other day I feel like God has me in training for the Justice League. All these trials He is putting us through, all these things I don't think I/we am/are strong enough to endure, yet here I/we stand, unwavering in my/our foundation of God's love and grace.

I didn't cry once yesterday, made it a whole day without tears. I thought about it constantly, how in an instance there were all these things we were looking forward to, counting down to and now they were just gone. I wondered if I would feel like that until we got to January...then what? But then the moment passed. And I think that's just how it goes. Everyday will get easier and in between then we'll deal with these fleeting moments of sadness and what ifs.

I am proud to say I did exactly what I wanted to yesterday as far as jumping back into my eating/exercising routine goes. Had a fairly successful food day and then started my c25K back up and made it all the way through! And if that wasn't enough, I'll have you I even threw out the remaining brownies I had made over the weekend and opted to go to HEB and purchase some Skinny Cow treats instead. Holy COW, right!!??! It doesn't deserve a statue or a gold medal by any means, but it's progress people!

Thanks for listening and reading and praying and everything in between.

Bye for now.