I read a post today, that immediately sent me here, to my empty blog, that I haven't quite figured out how to start. You know, the beauty of a blog is that you are able to share with readers what you want. You aren't forced to share the ugly things, the hard things, the mundane things, the not so fun things and the sad things. A blog is a place where you can really make yourself out to be, the best you, you can be. But I think the best blogs really are the honest blogs. The blogs that talk about the real topics, no fluff needed, no matter WHAT the topics are.
So what's my topic??? Making Babies.
I'm going to rewind a bit here and give you a little insight into my soul. Lucky you.
Everyone has a purpose. Mine is to be a mommy. I've been ready to have my own babies since my little sister arrived when I was 5. I gravitate towards babies. I want to pinch them, kiss them, hold them, talk baby talk to them and my most favorite thing is rock them to sleep. My friends and family call me the baby whisperer. It's the truth, I rock at all things baby, except for making them apparently, but will get to that in a minute. Growing up I've worked in a handful of daycare's and have nannied for some of the sweetest families in Austin. Most of the kids I looked after are either kindergartners or older and that is SO crazy to me! I met my husband when I was 24. I am 29 now. We dated for about a year, were engaged for a year and a half and just celebrated our two year anniversary. I think that all adds up to about 5 years, but I'm not so good with the adding stuff. I distinctly remember a late night conversation with Vance in that first year of dating. It was that turning point conversation when we moved past talking about what we were doing on Friday night and started talking about what we were doing for the rest of our lives. We talked about our 5 year, 10 year and 20 year hopes and dreams and what we expected out of ourselves and each other. If I was a better Wife I could sit here and tell you I remember exactly what Vance said. But like a woman, I remember only one thing specifically and that was telling Vance that I wanted to be a mommy, that that's what I was put on this Earth to do. He wasn't surprised at all. So this is where the burning desire to be a mommy derives from.
A little deep dark secret about me is I am a bit of a pessimist, combined with a little bit of a not so safety girl I have had this underlying feeling, for longer than Vance and I have been together, that I would have trouble conceiving. Not real rhyme or reason to the prediction, just this feeling that I've always had. So for our first year of marriage we didn't really take any precautionary measure to avoid getting pregnant, other than me trying to keep tabs on my cycle as best I could. I don't have a regular cycle, never REALLY know when I'm starting or ovulating, but more on that later. With no unexpected surprises in year one, I started pushing for us to get our butt in gear and start really TRYING to make a baby in year two of marriage. To be clear, I would have been MORE THAN HAPPY with an unexpected surprise, I think Vance would have been just that, surprised. Up to this point he was never really a gung ho, let's make a baby kinda dude. And then we got the news. Our best friends were expecting. I knew they had started to try and try once they did and succeeded. I know my best friend will probably read this, so to my Santa I say, PLEASE don't read any of this and feel bad...YOU KNOW BETTER! We were leaving they very day she called to tell the news for a weekend river trip. I literally squealed at the news I was so excited!!! As soon as I hung up with her, I called Vance and balled my eyes out. I spilled a whole year of pent up anxiousness and wishful thinking. I told him I was so excited for them and just wished desperately that, that was us. And that the only it was going to be us is if we got serious about things. I fill like I gave him a whole power point presentation on the matter, equipped with pie graphs and financial outputs. And in the end, he agreed. SUCCESS! So in July of 2011 we actively started to try and make a baby.
My annual is due in August. My regular gyno, who also happened to have delivered me 29 years ago, was no longer an OB, so I needed to find a new one. With a new Dr and a plan of action (HAVE SEX, MAKE BABY) I was feeling really excited about things. After all, people were popping out babies left and right. And even though I still had my doubts, I was hopeful. My appointment went really well. I shared my thoughts about not accidently getting pregnant for the last year and my concerns about not really being able to pinpoint my ovulation dates. Something that's pretty freakin' important. First order of business was to start using the ovulation predictor kits. We were to give it a whirl with these guys for the next three months. They also would be taking some blood work from me and do a sperm analysis on Vance. Lordy, he was happy about that! So we were sent off with some homework, a little brighter outlook and with high hopes for making an Acker!
I don't know about you readers, but they first time you ever have sex with your spouse for purposes other than love and pleasure is SUPER awkward! You start to question all of your previous methods and have this lingering thought in your mind as to what it is you're trying to accomplish, so it makes it SUPER difficult to concentrate on the task at hand. And I nervously laughed a lot, like I said, SUPER awkward, SUPER!
All of our lab work came back fine, more than fine actually. Doc recommended a Fallopian tube flush. Apparently over the years things can build up and make it rather difficult for the regular process of things to take place. After the flush we would try naturally over the next 3 months. And so we did.
The hard part about all this, is finally feeling hopeful that we are trying something different and STILL getting the same results. It's hard to be positive and to imagine getting a positive pregnancy test, when time after time the NOT PREGNANT just keeps flashing it's ugly head.
About this time, January 2011, Vance and I start to REALLY talk about what's going on. The best way to explain our positions is by using the political pool. Once of us is on the shallow end and the other, ME, is so far off the deep end it's not even funny! Vance's take is that, this sort of thing will happen when the time is right. It might not happen today or tomorrow, but eventually, we will make a baby. The key is just to relax, take a deep breath and be patient. Clearly my strongest suits. My take is the end result is we want a baby, a healthy, happy, baby, so why take the slow road. Whatever they throw at us I'm willing to try and I wish desperately that Vance is willing too! Soooo practical, right!??!
February and March we continue this tug of war over which path is right for us and how aggressive we want to get. Once of our biggest issues at this point now is that I am not getting readings on the ovulation predictor kits. So I keep feeling like I don't even know what days we're supposed to be making a baby, pretty much the most important part of the puzzle! I take this very complaint back to my Dr during our visit in April and they decide to put me on Femara. As a side note, I am one of those people who thinks the less I know the better, so I don't have all the smart/detailed information for the drugs and procedures we're using. Femara will help us produce eggs and will help us induce ovulation. I did produce a 20mm egg all by my lonesome, Yahhhh me, but again we were still not able to determine ovulation on our own. So it would work a little something like this. On the 3rd day of my cycle I will take 1 Femara pill for 5 days. On Day 12 of my cycle I would come in to the Dr and we would do an ultrasound to look for and measure follicles. If mature follicles are present, we'd get a HCG shot, right in the buttocks. I am told HCG induces ovulation and fakes the body into thinking it's already pregnant, to better the chances of actually getting pregnant. AGAIN, this is my take on it, not the medical one. Day 13 and Day 14 are GET BUSY DAYS! And then the lovely waiting game.
Multiple times the Dr asked me if we wanted to do the IUI. He stated it was the natural progression of things and that would indeed be the next step for us. Knowing Vance's stance, I politely declined and said we wanted to try it naturally with the drugs first. We at least my husband did. And I was going to be as supportive about that as I could be. Dr said he was good with our decisions because all of your lab work looked good and there was nothing that showed getting pregnant naturally wasn't a possibility. So Round One (April) and two (May) of Femara + HCG came and went, no baby. So between the last negative pregnancy test and day 12 of my next cycle, I pulled at every heart string possible and got Vance to agree to an IUI. And we did just that in June.
Again I had I hopes. Through this entire process I had friend going through the VERY same thing, but several steps ahead of me. She got pregnant on both her first and second IUI attempts. First round she miscarried but the second round has left her 6 months into a healthy pregnancy. Light at the end of a tunnel!
Th only thing that changes from our plan of action is that Day 13 we go back in to the Dr for the IUI. Basically they take Vance's baby making team, remove any wallflowers and turbo boost the rest of the guys with some rockin' protein. They then send the sperm on a super sperm highway and reduce the time it takes for them to reach the mature follicles and do their thing. I'm thinking I should write the Infertility for Dummies book. I just kept thinking this was it. We waited the dreadful 12 days and on cycle day 24, negative pregnancy test. I felt like an utter failure. This feeling of NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY THIS ISN'T WORKING is just sooooo overwhelming. I was devasted. And Vance was devasted for me.
This whole fertility thing is so hard. One of the hardest things about it for us, is trying to cope with each other's grief. I am a crier. I cry for everything. Vance is a fixer and a total optimist. The two don't mix very well. But I think anytime you face struggles as a couple, it's a great opportunity to work on your communication skills, or in my case, the lack there of. :) Things can get heated and over the top, but at the end of the day, I know we're here for each other and love each other and are just trying to keep our wits about us as we work towards this mutual goal.
July 6th was our last IUI. On Friday, the 20th, we got the negative test result. I don't think I've become numb to the negative test result by any means, but I feel like now, I've just come to expect them, which is a horrible outlook to have. The amount of questions as to WHY this STILL isn't working is immeasurable. I have a ton of ACTUAL questions on our next visit with the Dr as to what happens next. What I do know is we will go another round with the IUI and if that one doesn't take, then we will do the exploratory surgery, laparoscopy. Things they check for are endometriosis and adhesions from scar tissue. Or at least those are the two I know about. I would be lying if I said I'm not hoping they find something. I think I'm really searching for the WHY. At least then we know it's something fixable. But then again, that might be me being desperate.
So this is where we stand. It's taken me a VERY long time to be able to put this down into words. Part of me just hates the situation we're in and part of just didn't even know where to start. So from here, we just keep trying. We remind ourselves of what it is we're working towards and remind ourselves of how AMAZING it will be when we actually get a POSITIVE pregnancy test and how AMAZING it will be to actually welcome our little Acker into our world, because both of those things WILL happen. It's now our time yet, but it will be and the LOVE for this child we be such an amazing story to tell when all is said and done. :)
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