Are You Tracking With Me?

We just got back from our San Diego trip this past Sunday. And I have to admit, this whole year of travel we're doing in 2015 is off to a great start. San Diego, and all of its constituents, was AMAZING. Everything about that place was just beautiful and chill. In fact, that should be the cities slogan. We stayed in La Jolla and practically ate our way through Prospect St. We hit up Pacific Beach, Mission Beach (might be the same things) and Coronado Beach, where the sand sparkled and I could have lived forever. On the sand, not the water, because the water was freezing cold. The food was never disappointing, the people all looked so relaxed and tan (that couldn't be good for their skin, right!?) and the weather was a perfect 75 degrees all week. Did I mention I could easily live there????

Since we've been back this week, getting back into our work routines and sharing our vacation stories and pictures with everyone, I haven't really had time to think about all the baby stuff lately. But I did have a fleeting moment yesterday when I realized that had we not decided to put things on hold this year, we'd be starting up our next cycle. It made me sad. Deciding not to do any fertility cycles this year is not about NOT wanting to get pregnant, it's about focusing on getting healthier to better my chances of getting pregnant when we do start things up again next year. But, what if that doesn't necessarily happen??? This has been on my mind A LOT lately. What if at the end of the year, I have lost no weight and am physically no better off than when this year started, what does that mean????

I've also been wondering if the reason I am unable to really apply myself to the better eating is because weight loss is my last hope at getting pregnant. What if I lose the 100 lbs and STILL don't get pregnant???? I will then have tried EVERYTHING within my power to be able to carry my own child. And that is heart breaking. So if I never try, then I'll never know. Believe me, I know how dumb that sounds and I know there are other alternatives to having a family, but right now, in this moment, it's devastating.

Another round of pregnant friends has just started, which means another round of baby showers and another round of forcing smiles and pretending like being around and part of those things doesn't utterly destroy me. But everyone has their kryptonite and right now, in this moment, this is mine.

Sometimes I wonder what I will think about these last 4 years once we're parents. Will I think my feelings were justified? Will I think I wasted 4 years moping around when I could have been maximizing our days as kid free adults? Will I be given a chance to reflect back at all as a Mother? I can only hope...

My inner Beyonce (yes, you read that right. I have an inner Beyonce) says be fierce, don't let this cripple you. Just do you boo-boo. Live life to the fullest and soak up your blessings. I think I might need to listen to her more often.

This post is all over the place. Our pastor uses the phrase, "Are you tracking with me?" He uses it a lot. Mainly when he bounces between multiple bible verses during his sermons. I think he looks up and see the faces of our congregation and thinks, let me pause to make sure you guys are following along. Maybe I should pause here to see if YOU GUYS are following along. DO your minds ever just wonder from one thought to the next? Mine ALWAYS does, I can NEVER turn it off. Its exhausting. I read a few other blogs and they just seem so organized and eloquent. I am neither.

I guess in summary, San Diego was a nice getaway from reality, but when we got got to reality, reality hit kind of hard.

Bye for now...