I'm Not Depressed, I'm Just Sad

* posted SEVERAL weeks after writing, but felt like the below is a huge part of the update I will be posting here shortly.

"I'm not depressed, I'm just sad." I used these exact words yesterday while having a conversation with my husband about my choice to stay buried in bed all afternoon after an "infertility episode" at church. He then proceeded to point out that being THIS sad, over and over again, is probably closer to being depressed than just sad. A lot of things about our conversation pissed me off. Mostly because he was right, hahaha. The last "infertility episode" I had was two weeks ago. A birthday party with my pregnant best friend and her pregnant sister sent me to bed for the rest of the afternoon. So in the grand scheme of things a total mental break down every two weeks or so, isn't really the healthiest of runs. Especially if you take into consideration we are not even "trying" right now. So, this morning, I've been tasked with reflecting on yesterdays' events and figuring out some new techniques, for lack of a better word, to manage my emotions. Let me take you through the series of events that transpired at church yesterday.

Our church was celebrating our 30th anniversary. There was a breakfast reception before service and then a guest speaker was going to be delivering the sermon. He was one of the previous Pastor's. He was actually pretty funny and preached on Romans 12:12. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. What an amazing verse, right? Immediately I knew God was speaking to me and I got my pen and paper out READY for some good note taking. Things were off to a good start, I was very focused and attentively jotting down key points that I needed to take away from his sermon. But somewhere towards the end, Dr. Lashley Banks started to share a little bit about where in his life this verse had applied. He shared that him and his wife struggled to have a baby, for 10 YEARS! You'll have to forgive me, I don't know specifics and I am making a TON of assumptions here, but eventually they had twins, not sure of the method and they were on there merry way. Out of nowhere (this is at the 10 year mark) his wife informs him that she is miraculously pregnant and they are in utter SHOCK. Right about this time they are in New Mexico visiting family and she begins to show signs that the pregnancy might not last. Dr. Lash proceeds to tell us that he went on a walk and talked with God and fell in love with this baby boy that hadn't even been born yet and how he decided to be joyful during this trial and just put his faith and the circumstance in the Lord's hands. Well about this time I had stopped taking notes and was STREAMING tears. Honestly I was so mad. And I was mad because I didn't understand how I had done the SAME THING that day when things started to go south. He then tells us that after his walk he was filled with joy and that they went on to welcome their son Bennett, which means blessing, into the world. It took ALL I had not to stand up and walk out to simply control my overwhelming emotions. WHAT HAD WE DONE WRONG! We were in the same boat and I prayed, I prayed so hard and I asked God to take over and I put it all in his hands and obviously are outcome was severely different. And it simply hurt. And it sent me into a whirlwind of asking myself and God why not us?

I'm not sure really where to go from here. I don't  know how to overcome. I don't know how to put my desire to be a Mom and to have a family with Vance in an appropriate place while simultaneously living out a life that I am living to the fullest and enjoying and being present in. And I feel like the one thing I have feared happening this whole time is finally coming to fruition, which is Vance feeling like he is not enough. The thought of that is crippling and yesterday I saw a glimpse of that and it's time to figure out a new game plan because at the end of the day this hurt is not worth jeopardizing my marriage and definitely not worth losing my faith in God.