Adoption

It feels like the more I use this word, the more familiar and "normal" it becomes to me...to us. I am going to start from the beginning and have a very honest and open dialogue with you here today. As I mentioned in my previous catch up post, adoption has been a topic of discussion in our household for a while, but it definitely hasn't been an easy or natural one for us.

I mentioned honestly. Well, if I am being 100% honest, adoption has never been on my radar. I knew maybe two total kids that were adopted growing up and even in this situation, I didn't learn they were adopted until years later. I remember thinking, I didn't even notice you didn't look like your parents. At the time, that observation seemed so trivial. But now, I see that observation more as a testament to the amount of unconditional love that family had for one another. A type of love that looked and felt no different than my biological family's love...until I was informed that it was. I have never felt curious about adoption, have never felt called to adoption, never was interested in the process of adoption...until about 6 months ago. 6 months ago I began to look past our unsuccessful fertility treatments. I began to reflect on the question that my counselor was constantly asking me, "What does life without kids look like for you?". My initial gut reaction was, it looked terrible. I think I've talked about this before, about feeling like I was put here on this Earth to be a Mom. To this day, I still believe that to my true. It's a internal feeling, a soulful fulfillment I have been waiting on. And so for the last 5 years, which is officially how long we have been trying to conceive, I have been CLINGING with desperation to this calling and refusing to accept anything different. How childish of me. And shame on me for thinking I knew better than God. So as I started to slowly peel back my grip on this false idol of motherhood, I began to really reflect of what life without kids would look like for me...for us. And the truth is, life would be great. One, it would be with Vance, so right off the bat, things are looking really good. Two, we would be living on our own schedule. This means we would bigger flexibility to take risks and to take naps and to travel and to basically do whatever it is we wanted. Like, how could that be bad!? I think by finally answering that question and coming to terms that life without kids could be doable, I freed up some space for the unimaginable.

October 2016. Our church was putting on a Ladies Luncheon. I was asked to help with decorations and so was a little involved with the pre-planning pieces. The theme was Adopted Daughters in Christ. Don't quote me on that, but it was close. So I walk into this luncheon completely unaware that our guest speaker, Laura Bowers, would be sharing her story about adopting 3 of her 5 children. Like, totally and completely sideswiped. At this point adoption was a mere fleeting thought. I knew what my original stance on it was and I knew what Vance's stance on it was, but I hadn't quite written if off yet. We had discussed it a few times and funny enough, never seemed to be able to officially finish the conversation or come to a final conclusion on the matter. It was simply, this is where I stand today, but...and then we'd switch topics. So here I was sitting in my chair and ready with my pen and cute little journal that was gifted to us with the cute little church and luncheon logo on it. And I am all ready to get my learn on about Jesus and instead I am just deer in the headlights, listening to the woman's journey. I could not connect with her in any shape or fashion in regards to her desire to adopt, but I God connected us that day. And her words were shooting fireworks off in my heart. Just boom, boom, boom. They were loud and they were unavoidable. I think this biggest part of her journey that resonated with me, was her theory of putting you YES on the table for God, even when it's hard, even when it's not what you want to do. I was so convicted that day. At the end of the conference, I cornered her and through sobbing tears poured my heart out to her. Poor lady! I gave her the elevator pitch of our struggles with fertility and that we don't have any desire to adopt, but that I feel God working in my heart and I don't know what to do with it. I'm honestly surprised she understood a word I was saying. So she asked if she could pray for me and I gladly accepted and I left there, just in utter turmoil. I can't even wait the 10 minute drive to talk to Vance. I called him and just emotionally dumped everything on him that day. And didn't even skip a beat when I pulled into the driveway and segwayed from the phone to face to face. I think for me, that was the day God got my attention. My eyes, my ears, my heart were thrown wide open and I decided to let him in. Now, to be clear, I didn't jump on the adoption train. But what I did do was accept that God was trying to tell me something and that I was willing to allow him to do so and trust whatever the outcome would be.

November 2016. So all this stirring I start to ask Vance if we could do some real exploring. Keep in mind we are at the bottom of a mountain here. Like we don't even know the basics, what tools are needed, which direction we're going, etc. So I do some online research and find that there is an orientation about Fostering near us. And that it's actually step one in the process when you decide to move forward. I started to prepare my presentation to Vance. I didn't think he was going to onboard. I knew where he stood and I was fully prepared to be met with resistance. But like Laura Bowers kept saying during the luncheon...but God. Vance listened to my entire presentation without rebuttal and to my surprise he agreed to attend the orientation. I say surprise, but it was shock, pure SHOCK. As the day approached I got very nervous. I sort of forgot why I was going at all, because I so so engulfed with making sure Vance understood that I had no preconceived notions. That his agreeance to attend the orientation wasn't being treated as his agreeance to foster or adopt. I kept reassuring him that I wasn't going to pressure him and I wasn't going to ask him to do anymore that have an open heart and just sit there. The orientation had well over 30 people in attendance. They educated on the foster system, the dire need and what the processed looked like once you decided to move forward. It was very educational and heart breaking. There is definitely a desperate need in our city for foster homes. I kept an eye on Vance through the entire class. He took notes profusely and even raised his hand a few times to ask questions, I was amazed. At the end, the announced they would be around for Q&A and that across the hall were several agencies that you could talk to about fostering/adopting. As the room cleared out, we made our way into the hall and we just stood there for what seemed like forever, probably a solid 20 minutes. We didn't say anything, but just stood in silence and processed everything we had just heard. I finally broke the silence and asked, do we leave or go talk to the agencies, fully expecting to  be heading to the car... but God. I followed Vance into the room with all the agencies set up at a booth. It reminded me of a college or job fair set up. We stood in the middle of the room, just watching the interactions around us and I think still in a state of disbelief that we found ourselves in the room at all. Finally a woman approached us and asked if we had any questions. I let Vance set the pace and 20 minutes later we were taking her card and our multiple packets of information back home with us with a LOT more on the table to discuss. We shared our initial reactions or initial gut responses and also just shared in the work that God was doing in our hearts. We knew we needed to bounce all of this off other people so we made time to talk with both sides of our families to share in what we had learned and ask their opinion. Everyone was very supportive, but everyone was extremely reluctant in regards to our ability to cope emotionally around fostering. That was a hard pill to swallow for me. I did understand the concern, but I was a little insulted they didn't think I was strong enough to handle something like this. The holidays were fast approaching and we knew we weren't making any decision before then and more importantly we needed more time to pray, process and pray some more.

December 2016. After chatting with Nita from the Starry agency at the fostering orientation, we immediately knew we had more questions. Not to mention questions we hadn't even thought of that our friends and family had for us. So we decided to pursue the next step which was meeting with Nita for a 1:1 interview. One, can I just say that we love, looooooove Nina. She was without a doubt inserted into this path for us by God himself. We both just felt so at home with her and that we could be real honest and clear about our intentions. We didn't hold anything back and basically shared with her what I shared with you in my opening paragraph. We poured out all of our fears and reservations and she met them with grace. She answered all of our questions and we left there feeling like had enough to help move us into the next phase of deciding whether or not this would be for us. In the car ride home I told Vance had Nita asked us to sign up today, I would have signed my life away. He on the other hand felt convicted to help, but maybe not in the sense of signing up to be foster parents. So clearly not on the same playing field, which stung a little. Here I am being pushed, molded, convicted and feel like all the signs are pointing me to this and yet my husband is clearly reading a different roadmap. We sat for lunch, right after leaving Nita and I just found myself in tears. It was overwhelming to come out of that meeting on opposite sides of the road. I was a little upset with God, why would He do that. Why would he divide us on this issue. As a sidenote, I don't live in limbo very well. So at the end of that lunch knowing where each of us stood, I told Vance it would be best if we took the topic off the table. I didn't want to be pressuring Vance to come around to my side and I didn't feel like I could just pause my journey. I didn't want to be continuing to move towards it, when I knew Vance wasn't and might be wouldn't ever be on board, you know. So we finished out the 2016 holidays and rang in the 2017 New Year, bought our beautiful home and concentrated on that blessing for the time being. This was also about the time we decided to move forward with giving our remaining 5 embryos a chance at life. That was a good feeling to. That decision also felt right with God as well and it was something we were both on the same page about. Do the final transfer and then be done with fertility treatments indefinitely.

March 2017. There is no other way to describe what I am about to say, other than I have been THRUSTED into the world of adoption of the past several weeks. My world has been bombarded with all things adoption everywhere I look. From podcasts that friends have randomly suggested, to encounters with strangers while shopping, to Nita reaching out about upcoming training sessions for foster parents, you name it, it has been loud, aggressive and in my face. And this has left me no option but sit up and listen and put my yes back on the table for God. This message keeps reappearing over and over and over again for me. I think before I had my yes on the table, but it came with guidelines, rules, restrictions, exceptions. And that's just not the type of yes the Lord is looking for. He's looking for a ALL IN kind of yes. One of the podcasts I randomly selected was a woman who had gone through a severe health scare that left unable to have biological children. While she was reflecting back on that season, she was overcome with emotion at the thought of how God navigated her to her adoptive kids. Had she not undergone those health issues, all that suffering, she would have never found her kids. That just resonated in my heart, intentional suffering. Through our season of suffering with infertility I have drawn so much nearer to God and have come to completely trust in Him. I know now that my purpose here may not be motherhood, but God. BUT, GOD! I don't know if adoption will be our route, I don't know if these last final fertility treatments will be successful or not, I don't know a lot of things, but what I do know is that my yes is officially on the table Lord and I am so ready to see how you use me, how you use us. They other conclusion that I have come to, is that it's time to accept the pauses, the seasons of limbo. There is so much growth and trust that is built in these time, it's not for nothing. I told Vance this past Friday, God is stretching. He is asking of me things that I didn't think were possible, but through Him, all things are. I will wait for Vance, I will find joy in this moment of pause while God works on Vance's heart as well.

Thank you for reading along. This was a long one, but it feels so good to get these thoughts out of my head. If you have questions I am happy to answer, or if you have words of encouragement about the journey to decide to adopt, I will take them. :)

Bye for now.