It's been so long since I've been here. In fact, it's been so long since I'd been here that I re-read the last 10 or so blog posts I had written, just to remember where we left off. I almost feel like a different person being here and the woman who was posting before is a distant friend. A friend I was SUPER close with, but just lost touch with. One of those friends who you could very easily pick back up right where you left off. You feelin' me?
When May hits, it will officially be two years since our last fertility cycle. TWO YEARS! Can you believe that, I can't. A few of the posts I re-read talked about a six month break. Who knew six months would turn into two years! I kind of chuckle at the notion of thinking I got to put the parameters in place around our break. How cute was I, holding onto any shred of imaginary control I had in that situation. But, you can't blame a girl for trying, right? I'm sure you are wondering what we have been up for the past two years. I feel like I owe you details, before we pick back up with where we're going. I'll try to keep it brief and to the point, but as you know life can sometimes get in the way of our oh so perfect plans.
Our House- I had no idea how much I struggled with our place of residency. Reading back, it was a beast of an issue for me. I didn't pick up on it, during the time, so I will tell you that we sold the house we were living in, when the miscarriage happened. Financial strain had a BIG role in the decision, but I would be lying if I told you that the built up resentment of that empty, childless house wasn't reason number one. It was a big pill to swallow and to admit, but it was ultimately the choice we made. We stayed in the same neighborhood and rented in a couple condo's while we sorted through life's happenings. We toyed with the idea of moving into different areas, but really struggled with where God wanted us to be. Vance was and still is very involved in soccer leagues and I was very involved in the boxing gym and really enjoyed our church community, so the long and short of it, was we accepted we were exactly where God intended us to reside. Fast forward to this past December, where we closed on our 3rd and beautiful new home. Saying we love this place is an understatement. It just feels good to belong and to be at peace and to have the opportunity to love and serve on those around us. We are slowly but surely getting rooms in order and styled and making it our very own. I don't think a week has gone by where we just stop, look at each other and say, "I LOVE our home." It's such a blessing. I think my joy in this home is also rooted in the fact that we have ZERO expectations, other than to love it, be thankful for it and be open to however God wants to use it. Pups seems to be enjoying it as well!
My Health- This would be the one topic I am updating you on that I wish I had better news to report. I sit here typing, no physically different that I was almost two years ago. Frustrating???? Yes. But also, just re-reading where I was mentally, I just want to hug my two years ago self and say, "sister, chill,". I have been putting so, SO much pressure on myself. And just like with all the other things I deal with, I've got to just let go of the pressure and the burdens and the comparisons and just find the JOY in taking care of myself. I have since taken a backseat at the boxing gym and working at getting regular exercise back into my routine. It's hard to find something I willingly look forward to, but i'm trying new things and am confident I will find the right fit for this season of my life. As far as food goes, this still remains my biggest hurdle. But after my refresher course of past posts, I might just focus on educating myself on nutrition and just serving myself LARGE DOSES of grace. Practice what you preach, right!?
Making Babies- Oh, dear readers, I don't even know where to start. First off, I want to say that I am proud of that struggling girl from posts before. Don't get me wrong, I read a lot of WHY ME and a lot of THIS SUCKS and a lot of BooooooooHooooooooooos. But, I also read a lot of wanting God to change my perspective, not my situation and that makes me happy. I was desperately clinging to Him and my faith and He held onto me for dear life, like He always does and always will. And would you know that I sit here today, a changed person. I have a renewed heart because of my Lord and Savior. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fast, it isn't perfect or complete, but it is changed and growing and I am so thankful for this time to have gotten to know Him more and to have allowed myself to completely surrender to his will and sovereignty. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't pretty, I kicked and screamed and cried the whole way here, but I'm here and it was worth, and let me tell you why. I believe I have found peace in waiting for God's will. I have peace that I still don't know what God's will for us is. What I do know is that He is using us and has been for His purpose and I am 100% okay with that. I have invited Him in to convict me where I need convicting and to stir in me what needs stirring and it has been so unreal, what He can do when you let Him. On the flipside, I am still flawed. I still desire a biological child, but it's not all consuming anymore. And I know that if that desire isn't met, I will be more than okay. I will be better for it actually.
So where are we today fertility wise? After an abundant amount of praying we have decided to pick back up fertility treatments. We have 5 frozen embryos from our last IVF and we going to give those little frozen nuggets a chance. If we aren't successful, then we've made peace with ending fertility treatments from there and potentially looking at fostering or adopting to grow our family. The latter has been a huge topic of discussion and prayer in our household for the last 6 months. I am sure I will be posting more on this one at a later time. We started our current fertility cycle last week and am taking all the lovely meds and getting my body ready for transfer on April 14th. Between today and transfer day, we have a LOT going on. I am closing out my fiscal year end at work and we are taking our first trip to NYC. So there is plenty on the docket to stay occupied with. I had a ton of reservations and anxiety about a month ago, but lately, I am just at total peace and praying it stays that way. I will get into this more on a different post, but this is where I leave you today. All caught up, on all things Making Ackers related.
One thing I haven't mentioned specifically here is Vance. This man, ya'll. When I think of him, in the Husband since of the word and who is he to me, I immediate shake my head with the BIGGEST smile on my face and instantly have to swallow back tears, all at the same time. My love for this man is so BIG, it's all consuming and overwhelming. I have been reflecting on the season of "suffering" I have been through in my life. I think suffering is inevitable and I now believe it is also necessary in order for us to find perspective. In my experience, my season of "suffering" has drawn me nearer to God and for that, I will time and time again endure it. But I also have been reflecting on this idea of suffering for a greater purpose. The idea that we have suffered through infertility so that we may know a Christ like marriage and friendship in each other just resonates with me. Please don't misunderstand me. I am not TRYING to figure out the why, but what I am saying is that IF that was the reason for this season of our life, then it would have been so worth it and I would do it over and over again. I thank God for Vance everyday, it's the opening line to my morning prayers, "Lord, thank for allowing me to wake up in your grace today and for allowing me to wake up next to Vance and puppies." He is such a gift to me and will probably never know how often he saves me. I know without a doubt I was one of his purposes here, that God sent him to be my shepherd and I am forever thankful for his example, his leadership and his selfless love.
So I apologize for my absence, but it was much needed. And I am excited for you to get to know the new me, the older, wiser, more mature...oh who are we kidding, I can't even finish that sentence. :)
Bye for now.
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