Still Standing

I always feel so much pressure to come up with a good, "catchy", title for my blog posts. Right now, I've got a few options that aren't quite clicking, but hopefully as the post evolves, the title will make itself known. I preface this post the way I do because this theme of figuring things out as I go has been a dominant one in my life lately. The last post I uploaded was a sad one. It made me sad to re-read it and to remember that sinking feeling I was having just a few short months ago. Since that post, I have had several breakthroughs.

Breakthrough number one was saying goodbye to Georgia, ie, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. I came to a certain understanding about myself, I am an all or nothing type of person. This mentality is not solely dedicated to the infertility part of my life, but to EVERY aspect of my life in fact. I see it with my weight loss and eating habits, in my work life, in my home life and especially in my relationships. And even though this is something I need to work on, adding a little grey into my life, it has helped me reach certain conclusions about overcoming this state of sad I had found myself in, in regards to not being able to get pregnant. There was no way that I was going to be able to live life, always hoping that I would get pregnant. Even in the state of being "on a break" from trying to get pregnant (meaning no meds, no transfers, no birth control), I was still grasping desperately to the idea that my period would be late and miraculously our prayers would be answered and we would be pregnant. This false hope was not letting me enjoy life to the fullest. So with some help, I made the decision to change up my train of thought. In order to move forward, I needed to acknowledge we were no longer "on a break" but we were in fact "not trying to have kids". That is a hard realization to face. Once I spent some time with it, I took it to Vance and he spent some time with it and then we took it to God and felt validation. My counselor recommended some sort of gesture to bring a tangible, concreteness to the decision. So on a day when I was alone at the house I sat down with pen and paper and just sat with my emotions and my desires. I brought Georgia to to life. I let every thought, every hope, every wish I had ever had for her...for us run over me. It was terrible. I've never wanted someone so badly. And with every thought of wanting, every inch of assurance that Georgia is God's plan for us, I had to remind myself that, that was actually my plan for us. If that was God's plan, God's will, than Georgia would be with us now. And she's not. So I could go on pretending I knew best or I could submit to my Savior and have faith in what he has in store for us. Not an easy realization to come to, but a necessary one. So with my pen and paper and tissues, I wrote to my unborn daughter and told her goodbye. Do I sound like a crazy person yet, because I feel like I sound like a crazy person.

I think I spent about an hour in total with this exercise. I hated every minute of it, but I would be lying if I didn't admit I found it rather therapeutic. I gathered up my broken heart and found peace in this new stage of our journey. The next step was even harder, I had to share the letter with Vance.  We decided to give the letter to my counselor. It had served its purpose in our household and honestly I didn't want it around. It's been over 4 months now and overall I would say things have been better.  The last month has been a little more of a struggle , but I think it's due to an increased number of friends and family having babies and announcing pregnancies. I don't see think aspect every completely going away. But hopefully my ability to manage my emotions during these times will keep getting better. I have faith.

So where does that leave us, leave me? Saying goodbye to Georgia wasn't about accepting we'd never have children. Saying goodbye to Georgia was about saying goodbye to a false idol. My desire to be a mother hasn't vanished, but I no longer will allow it to be the one and only desire that dictates my happiness and fulfillment. So for now, I work at finding fulfillment in Christ and in this beautiful life he has already blessed me with. I also can work at the other biggest hurdle in my life, my weight. It's time I start taking better care of myself. It's time I stop hating my body for not being able to do what I want it to, (Get pregnant) and take care of it like the gift that it is. It's time that I stop filling my body with things that are comforting and bad for me, just because I can. These are all realizations that I have been coming to as of late. I am trying to move from realization to action. And the leap is a little further away than expected. But fear not, I'll work up the nerve. 

So that's been life. That's where we stand. The good news is, we're still standing. And right now, I'm not sure a girl could ask for much more.

Bye for now.

I'm Not Depressed, I'm Just Sad

* posted SEVERAL weeks after writing, but felt like the below is a huge part of the update I will be posting here shortly.

"I'm not depressed, I'm just sad." I used these exact words yesterday while having a conversation with my husband about my choice to stay buried in bed all afternoon after an "infertility episode" at church. He then proceeded to point out that being THIS sad, over and over again, is probably closer to being depressed than just sad. A lot of things about our conversation pissed me off. Mostly because he was right, hahaha. The last "infertility episode" I had was two weeks ago. A birthday party with my pregnant best friend and her pregnant sister sent me to bed for the rest of the afternoon. So in the grand scheme of things a total mental break down every two weeks or so, isn't really the healthiest of runs. Especially if you take into consideration we are not even "trying" right now. So, this morning, I've been tasked with reflecting on yesterdays' events and figuring out some new techniques, for lack of a better word, to manage my emotions. Let me take you through the series of events that transpired at church yesterday.

Our church was celebrating our 30th anniversary. There was a breakfast reception before service and then a guest speaker was going to be delivering the sermon. He was one of the previous Pastor's. He was actually pretty funny and preached on Romans 12:12. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. What an amazing verse, right? Immediately I knew God was speaking to me and I got my pen and paper out READY for some good note taking. Things were off to a good start, I was very focused and attentively jotting down key points that I needed to take away from his sermon. But somewhere towards the end, Dr. Lashley Banks started to share a little bit about where in his life this verse had applied. He shared that him and his wife struggled to have a baby, for 10 YEARS! You'll have to forgive me, I don't know specifics and I am making a TON of assumptions here, but eventually they had twins, not sure of the method and they were on there merry way. Out of nowhere (this is at the 10 year mark) his wife informs him that she is miraculously pregnant and they are in utter SHOCK. Right about this time they are in New Mexico visiting family and she begins to show signs that the pregnancy might not last. Dr. Lash proceeds to tell us that he went on a walk and talked with God and fell in love with this baby boy that hadn't even been born yet and how he decided to be joyful during this trial and just put his faith and the circumstance in the Lord's hands. Well about this time I had stopped taking notes and was STREAMING tears. Honestly I was so mad. And I was mad because I didn't understand how I had done the SAME THING that day when things started to go south. He then tells us that after his walk he was filled with joy and that they went on to welcome their son Bennett, which means blessing, into the world. It took ALL I had not to stand up and walk out to simply control my overwhelming emotions. WHAT HAD WE DONE WRONG! We were in the same boat and I prayed, I prayed so hard and I asked God to take over and I put it all in his hands and obviously are outcome was severely different. And it simply hurt. And it sent me into a whirlwind of asking myself and God why not us?

I'm not sure really where to go from here. I don't  know how to overcome. I don't know how to put my desire to be a Mom and to have a family with Vance in an appropriate place while simultaneously living out a life that I am living to the fullest and enjoying and being present in. And I feel like the one thing I have feared happening this whole time is finally coming to fruition, which is Vance feeling like he is not enough. The thought of that is crippling and yesterday I saw a glimpse of that and it's time to figure out a new game plan because at the end of the day this hurt is not worth jeopardizing my marriage and definitely not worth losing my faith in God.

Are You Tracking With Me?

We just got back from our San Diego trip this past Sunday. And I have to admit, this whole year of travel we're doing in 2015 is off to a great start. San Diego, and all of its constituents, was AMAZING. Everything about that place was just beautiful and chill. In fact, that should be the cities slogan. We stayed in La Jolla and practically ate our way through Prospect St. We hit up Pacific Beach, Mission Beach (might be the same things) and Coronado Beach, where the sand sparkled and I could have lived forever. On the sand, not the water, because the water was freezing cold. The food was never disappointing, the people all looked so relaxed and tan (that couldn't be good for their skin, right!?) and the weather was a perfect 75 degrees all week. Did I mention I could easily live there????

Since we've been back this week, getting back into our work routines and sharing our vacation stories and pictures with everyone, I haven't really had time to think about all the baby stuff lately. But I did have a fleeting moment yesterday when I realized that had we not decided to put things on hold this year, we'd be starting up our next cycle. It made me sad. Deciding not to do any fertility cycles this year is not about NOT wanting to get pregnant, it's about focusing on getting healthier to better my chances of getting pregnant when we do start things up again next year. But, what if that doesn't necessarily happen??? This has been on my mind A LOT lately. What if at the end of the year, I have lost no weight and am physically no better off than when this year started, what does that mean????

I've also been wondering if the reason I am unable to really apply myself to the better eating is because weight loss is my last hope at getting pregnant. What if I lose the 100 lbs and STILL don't get pregnant???? I will then have tried EVERYTHING within my power to be able to carry my own child. And that is heart breaking. So if I never try, then I'll never know. Believe me, I know how dumb that sounds and I know there are other alternatives to having a family, but right now, in this moment, it's devastating.

Another round of pregnant friends has just started, which means another round of baby showers and another round of forcing smiles and pretending like being around and part of those things doesn't utterly destroy me. But everyone has their kryptonite and right now, in this moment, this is mine.

Sometimes I wonder what I will think about these last 4 years once we're parents. Will I think my feelings were justified? Will I think I wasted 4 years moping around when I could have been maximizing our days as kid free adults? Will I be given a chance to reflect back at all as a Mother? I can only hope...

My inner Beyonce (yes, you read that right. I have an inner Beyonce) says be fierce, don't let this cripple you. Just do you boo-boo. Live life to the fullest and soak up your blessings. I think I might need to listen to her more often.

This post is all over the place. Our pastor uses the phrase, "Are you tracking with me?" He uses it a lot. Mainly when he bounces between multiple bible verses during his sermons. I think he looks up and see the faces of our congregation and thinks, let me pause to make sure you guys are following along. Maybe I should pause here to see if YOU GUYS are following along. DO your minds ever just wonder from one thought to the next? Mine ALWAYS does, I can NEVER turn it off. Its exhausting. I read a few other blogs and they just seem so organized and eloquent. I am neither.

I guess in summary, San Diego was a nice getaway from reality, but when we got got to reality, reality hit kind of hard.

Bye for now...

Stephanie and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Two Weeks

What a doozie this past two weeks have been. Life has been changed ever so slightly in our household. My husbands 18 year old brother has moved in with us. Since he arrived here in Austin, we have been showing him the royal treatment around our a favorite eating joints. This little break in my better eating routine was music to my ears, more so my stomach. But it did send me spiraling out of control. And the nose dive has lasted a solid two   weeks. Actually, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure that is really over. All I have been doing is craving and lining up my next meals, even before I've fully digested the last one. It's so embarrassing. At least last week I had a conscious about it. I was feeling guilty and down about my decisions. But that didn't change the outcome, sadly enough. I even skipped boxing last week, which I haven't wanted to do in a very long time. The class before was such a struggle to make it through. I felt so fatigued and heavy and out of breath. On Thursday, I just couldn't bring myself to go through that again. The frustrating thing is that those feelings didn't kick me back into eating better. They only drove me to eat more and even worse. It's crippling to feel like I have no control over my actions or decisions.

Even now, as I spent all day yesterday telling myself, "this is it. Today is the last day of bad eating," I am sitting here contemplating what to have for lunch. And not a what health lunch item am I going to have contemplation. I am having a can I just eat what I want to eat for lunch contemplation. I feel like my own worst enemy. And that feels terrible.

I am not sure how things will go today. Breakfast went as it should, so hopefully I can keep things moving from there. But, just not sure where to go from here. How do I just make the switch and be done with it, you know. The struggle is so real, yet seems so silly. I'm not sure if there is a rhyme or reason to this post. I think I just needed to vent. Get the thoughts out on virtual paper, so they might stop circling my head. But I just get so down on myself and it almost feels impossible at times to change things around. That's all I have.

Bye for now.

WHY DO I SUCK AT FOOD?

This image has been floating around my social media streams lately and it just seems so appropriate. In one image, I can sum up how I've been feeling about changing my eating habits.

I feel like that's how I should end this post. Those two sentences and this one image. Eating healthy or healthier than I have been is quite possibly the hardest thing I've had to do. Being in a constant state of evaluation as WHY I am wanting what I want is miserable. Can't a girl just want to go hard into a over sized jar of Nutella simply because it tastes good and she wants to??????? Does there have to be deep hidden desires behind EVERY craving I have? This week has been tough. And even though I find myseld going through the motion and making better decisions here and there, it has not at all been without excessive obsessing over all the things I would rather be eating. One of my biggest problems is becoming aware that healthy full feels MUCH different than bad full. Let me back up a post and expand on our little Smash Burger adventure. If you aren't familiar, you can get caught up here.

Just to give a tiny re-cap, Sunday evening was by far the most unhealthy eating I did all last week. I had been doing great all day. For breakfast I had half a Belvita breakfast biscuit package and my cup of coffee and for lunch we had sandwiches (on wheat, no mayo) and I was feeling pretty proud of myself. We shared a juice after our hiking outing and things were looking positive. 6:00 pm rolled around and we were sitting down to a dinner of blackened cod with a double serving of asparagus. We finished eating around 6:30 pm and immediately we both felt unsatisfied. I went to the fridge and grabbed us an energy bite thinking we just needed to finish the meal off with something sweet. 15 minutes later we were starring at each other simply feeling hungry still. So back to the fridge I went to cut up some fresh strawberries. We hovered those and again about 15 minutes later, still hungry. Our last stitch attempt to satisfy our hunger beast was a artichoke/red potato dish I had picked up earlier from The Soup Peddler. After a few bites we were aware that there was nothing in our household that was going to do the trick. That's when the negotiations started. Needless to say we found ourselves in route to Smash Burger around 7:45 pm. We both ordered our own individual meal and proceeded to to HOOVER them down NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER. As we walked out with our heads hung low and shame radiating from our hearts it was very apparent that this journey is not going to be easy.

I couldn't figure out where I went wrong. Minus the getting in the car and driving to Smash Burger part. But what we've come to realize is that healthy full can easily be mistaken for not full. And I need to wrap my head around the idea that just because I am not miserably busting at the seams doesn't mean I am not full and satisfied. We felt horrible after Smash Burger, both mentally and physically. So much so that I forced us to walk the around the shopping center three times before getting in the car to drive home. I was bloated and stuffed and gas-y and just disappointed that I didn't have the strength to say no. But as easy as it is for me to beat myself up, I am going to try to just call it a lesson learned and move on. 

So what lessons did I learn exactly?

1. I don't have to eat to the point of no return in order to be full and satisfied.
2. We need to leave less awake hours between our last meal or snack and dinner. That way we aren't just up and constantly thinking about what we CAN eat.
3. I am going to slip up. But as long as I pick myself back up and continue toward the end result, I am still making GREAT progress.

What have you guys done to help keep you on track during the early stages of a eating overhaul?

Bye for now.

Imma Go HARD

Last week was such a mind trip. I've really had to dig deep into myself to start discovering why I eat the way I eat and to start the process of figuring out how to re-train my brain when it comes to food. It's like, totally, no fun, at all. So while my mind and heart have been busy plugging away at that issue, my body has been serving up a hard core dish of ass kickin' in the gym. I got to release all that stress somehow, right? This is what my workout schedule looked like last week...

Monday- 5:00 pm 1 hour circuit/trx training + 1 hour substitute trainer at boxing (more on this later)
Tuesday- 6:30 pm 1 hour boxing
Wednesday- 6:30 pm 1 hour substitute trainer at boxing (wait for it) + Volleyball game
Thursday- 6:30 pm 1 hour boxing

My bangs are STILL dripping sweat! And I like it! Okay not so much really, but I did feel like a badass in the gym. And that was refreshing, since the yang (eating habits) to my yin (exercise) seems to be all out of whack. I was able to stick to a pretty decent eating plan last week as well. I've stuck to mostly My Fit Foods for lunches, snacks and dinners. In the morning I had either oatmeal or a Belvita Bar with my coffee. My sweet tooth I've kept at bay with fruit and these little no bake energy bites. They are so yummy and I can make in batches, so I am prepared for the week. BONUS!

There were a few slips ups. Friday I some dental work done in the morning. By the time I woke up around 6:00 pm starving and craving Chinese food. So my sweet husband obliged by craving and I had some lo mein noodles. Since my mouth wasn't 100% I didn't do the usual damage, but still not the most healthiest of choices. On Saturday the overwhelming craving that hit me was greek food. So we found ourselves dining at Tino's for dinner. Although chicken and salad doesn't sound terrible, I just kept thinking about all the hidden sugar I was eating! Don't get me wrong, I still finished my meal, but I at least found myself thinking about what I was shoveling into my mouth, rather than just eating blindly. Again, baby steps.

Sunday was probably the biggest down fall me for. I will talk more about this in a later post (Lost to say) but let;s just say I fell so far off the band wagon, for a second, I wasn't sure I would ever be able to hop back on! Breakfast, dinner, afternoon snack and dinner number one (yes, you read that correctly) were all pretty good meals. We ate dinner number one at 6:00 pm. We had blackened cod and asparagus. Delicious and healthy, right!!!!? Come 6:30 pm, we were filling unsatisfied. So we grabbed a couple energy bites and were still filling unfulfilled. Around 7:00 pm I was cutting up strawberries and sampling a red potato and artichoke dish I picked up from The Soup Peddler earlier in the weekend. You would think with all that, we would eventually hit a filling of fullness that would be acceptable. Well, you are wrong. By 7:30 pm we heading to Smash Burger. We had convinced ourselves that a cheeseburger and fries was the only way to really feel satisfied. So we drove there, ordered and ate like we hadn't eaten all day. Not to mention just an hour earlier!!! It was so embarrassing. But again, the embarrassment didn't hinder me/us at all from continuing the action. When we walked out the door, I decided we needed to not drive straight home and go to bed. Cause that's what we wanted to do. We took a few laps around the shopping center we were in and talked about the events that had just gone down. I'll be sharing said conversation later on today. Long story short, it was a good reminder that this journey is really going to take time.

Back to the easy stuff, we rounded out the weekend with a hike on Saturday and a late night stroll on Sunday (before mentioned shopping center stroll). Typically, we tend to be less active on the weekends, but I am making it a point to at least get a few activities in. This weekend coming up I am trying out a yoga class. I am hoping if this class becomes a regular standing part of my schedule it will really help with my flexibility. I am terrible at stretching. It's just so BORING, hahaha.

How did you guys do last week. And what are some weekend activities that you enjoy to stay active?

Hi, My Name Is Stephanie And I Am An Addict.

Has you ever been told you can't have something? I'm sure most of us have and I'm sure most of us didn't like it. I am also going to assume the moment you were told you couldn't have said thing, it was ALL YOU COULD THINK ABOUT. Isn't it funny how our minds works. Even if this thing is bad for us we mourn its loss in our life. We ask WHY we can't have it. We justify all the reason we SHOULD have it. And the worst of it all, we DENY that is really is THAT BAD FOR US. We become the exception to the rule. We just know that although this thing is terrible for EVERYONE ELSE, it's really NOT THAT BAD for us.

This week while diving into the deep end of dieting/ lifestyle change research I have found myself confronting my worst frienemy...SUGAR. Frienemy is like the most perfect word ever invented by a teenage girl to describe my relationship with sugar. Sugar is that BIG BITCH who I just want to be close to all the time, but have no idea WHY I like her so much. She is a terrible person and does terrible things to me, but somehow I still go back for more. Why do I do this to myself and more importantly, HOW do I break the cycle.

So far, the answer is quit cold turkey. I am having HUGE issues with this recommendation. One, cause I don't wanna. Two, cause I don't wanna.I have since been making a list of all the yummy goodness that I will be missing out on. The chocolate cake, the donuts, the cupcakes, the cheesecake, the brownies, the tiramisu, the cookies, the NUTELLA... And then it hit me. I really do have an addiction to sugar. Do sane people think this way? Is it normal that before my appetizer even gets brought to our table I am deciding on what I will have for dessert?? Anyone?????? And if sugar is, in fact, the root of all evil, as all the research shows, is it the reason I have such issues with my stomach and can't seem to really lose the weight I want!!!??? Again, what a BIG BITCH!!!!

I am now wishing I was still in the ignorance is bliss bucket, just skipping along, eating anything and everything I wanted, completely blind to the fact that I've been slowly killing myself with sugar. And did you know that sugar is in like EVERYTHING! I know you think I'm trying to be funny here, but when you never really care to pay attention, you just don't know these things. But the stuff is EVERYWHERE. So even on days when I thought I had eaten in a somewhat "healthy" manner, I wasn't. And when I treated myself to sweet indulgences because I thought I deserved them, I was just laying sugar on sugar on sugar. Big ole sugar party for one. I just feel really stupid and I also feel really sad. I am stupid and sad and that is just where this process has led me to this week.

Have any of you been here before? How did you get through it? I've been praying. Praying so hard for wisdom and for understanding and for strength to really approach this change from a better angle than I ever have before. I know my eating habits thus far have been sinful, glutenous, to take it super old school and I know they need to change. But its how to start implementing the change that I am dealing with, And honestly, I feel like I am in mourning a little bit, as dramatic as that sounds. I am mourning a lifestyle that I've become accustomed to. I am mourning my current relationship status with desserts and that status is like FULL ON LOVE OBSESSED.

I am hoping once I make it through the fog of sorrow, I might start to see the bright side to saying goodbye to sugar. I don't want to talk about them now, I mean hello people, does it sounds like I'm remotely ready for that!!!!????? But the important thing is I know there is one. Thanks for listening to be rant and rave, scream and cry. I would love to hear from you if you've struggled with removing something you love from your diet.

Bye for now.

The Hello's and Goodbye's of 2015

Whenever I take a long break from posting, I like to take a minute and re-read my last post, to remember where things left off. I do this for you my readers, but selfishly, I do it for myself as well. My last post was on August 15th and I was venting about my ability to handle pregnancy announcements. I find this hilarious because a lot of what I will be sharing with you today revolves around all the pregnancy announcements we've received since the New Year. So even though 5 months have passed, we really are right where we left off, which is struggling with feelings and still not pregnant.

Let me back up a few steps and tell you that we have still been on a break since May when we lost our first pregnancy. The break has been good for our hearts and for our sanity, but hasn't really been the break we were hoping for. "The break" really translates into not actively participating in fertility treatments. "The break" is no way, shape or form has ever been the chance to stop thinking about the almost 4 years we have been trying to make a family. These breaks have never been successful in turning the switch off so to speak. Am I getting my point across??? My body appreciates not physically have to go into appointments multiple times a week, not having to take medications daily and not having to take pregnancy test every couple of months. But my mind has been given no rest what so ever. Sometimes I think it never will.

We've been talking a lot of the past couple months about when we'd be ready to try again. Back in May we said January, give ourselves the rest of 2014 to grieve, be mad, and just recover. But as January started to approach it just felt rushed. I knew mentally I wasn't ready and that my heart still needed some healing. So in December we decided to push things back to April. We leave for San Diego in March and just wanted to fully enjoy vacation before coming back to the doom and gloom that has been trying to make a baby. And I think that's when it hit me...I shouldn't think of this endeavor as doom and bloom. That isn't the right attitude to have towards it. I'm setting us up for failure before we've even tried again, how productive is that????

If you've been following at all, you'll know that along with infertility I have had a long time struggle with my weight. I am an emotional eater and often seek comfort in the foods I eat. Because of these habits I have created a home in a body I don't quite recognize or feel comfortable in anymore. And I think its time that I do something about it. I need to focus my energy elsewhere for a while, and why not let it be on my soul and my health. My doctor has told me several times while losing weight won't guarantee us a successful pregnancy, it can no way, shape or form hurt our chances. I think I owe this to myself for several different reasons. Those reasons can and will be another post all together. My husband agrees that if we are going to get back into the game of trying, it should be with our best foot forward. So what does this all mean??? It means we have made the executive decision to officially take Making Ackers off the table for 2015. I have started the search for a nutritionist and along with my counselor I want to devote this year to understand my issues with food and then work to solve them and get healthier and back into a body that I love and can be proud of and that in the end will glorify my creator. I read this week that our body is a temple, which houses Christ within us. Some temple I've made!!!!!!

I have attempted and failed at this journey SEVERAL times in the past. My track record isn't good. But all I can say is this time feels different. I don't feel rushed or pressured or motivated by the wrong reason. I feel like tackling this from a heart issue perspective is a new angle that has never been explored before and I am actually excited to see what all I find out about myself and how God will guide me through this new path.

I thought about starting a new blog for this part of my life, but isn't it all still working towards the same goal???? It's part of the big picture, its part of journey and I hope you stick around to see what all God has in store for us.

Bye For Now.