It feels like the more I use this word, the more familiar and "normal" it becomes to me...to us. I am going to start from the beginning and have a very honest and open dialogue with you here today. As I mentioned in my previous catch up post, adoption has been a topic of discussion in our household for a while, but it definitely hasn't been an easy or natural one for us.
I mentioned honestly. Well, if I am being 100% honest, adoption has never been on my radar. I knew maybe two total kids that were adopted growing up and even in this situation, I didn't learn they were adopted until years later. I remember thinking, I didn't even notice you didn't look like your parents. At the time, that observation seemed so trivial. But now, I see that observation more as a testament to the amount of unconditional love that family had for one another. A type of love that looked and felt no different than my biological family's love...until I was informed that it was. I have never felt curious about adoption, have never felt called to adoption, never was interested in the process of adoption...until about 6 months ago. 6 months ago I began to look past our unsuccessful fertility treatments. I began to reflect on the question that my counselor was constantly asking me, "What does life without kids look like for you?". My initial gut reaction was, it looked terrible. I think I've talked about this before, about feeling like I was put here on this Earth to be a Mom. To this day, I still believe that to my true. It's a internal feeling, a soulful fulfillment I have been waiting on. And so for the last 5 years, which is officially how long we have been trying to conceive, I have been CLINGING with desperation to this calling and refusing to accept anything different. How childish of me. And shame on me for thinking I knew better than God. So as I started to slowly peel back my grip on this false idol of motherhood, I began to really reflect of what life without kids would look like for me...for us. And the truth is, life would be great. One, it would be with Vance, so right off the bat, things are looking really good. Two, we would be living on our own schedule. This means we would bigger flexibility to take risks and to take naps and to travel and to basically do whatever it is we wanted. Like, how could that be bad!? I think by finally answering that question and coming to terms that life without kids could be doable, I freed up some space for the unimaginable.
October 2016. Our church was putting on a Ladies Luncheon. I was asked to help with decorations and so was a little involved with the pre-planning pieces. The theme was Adopted Daughters in Christ. Don't quote me on that, but it was close. So I walk into this luncheon completely unaware that our guest speaker, Laura Bowers, would be sharing her story about adopting 3 of her 5 children. Like, totally and completely sideswiped. At this point adoption was a mere fleeting thought. I knew what my original stance on it was and I knew what Vance's stance on it was, but I hadn't quite written if off yet. We had discussed it a few times and funny enough, never seemed to be able to officially finish the conversation or come to a final conclusion on the matter. It was simply, this is where I stand today, but...and then we'd switch topics. So here I was sitting in my chair and ready with my pen and cute little journal that was gifted to us with the cute little church and luncheon logo on it. And I am all ready to get my learn on about Jesus and instead I am just deer in the headlights, listening to the woman's journey. I could not connect with her in any shape or fashion in regards to her desire to adopt, but I God connected us that day. And her words were shooting fireworks off in my heart. Just boom, boom, boom. They were loud and they were unavoidable. I think this biggest part of her journey that resonated with me, was her theory of putting you YES on the table for God, even when it's hard, even when it's not what you want to do. I was so convicted that day. At the end of the conference, I cornered her and through sobbing tears poured my heart out to her. Poor lady! I gave her the elevator pitch of our struggles with fertility and that we don't have any desire to adopt, but that I feel God working in my heart and I don't know what to do with it. I'm honestly surprised she understood a word I was saying. So she asked if she could pray for me and I gladly accepted and I left there, just in utter turmoil. I can't even wait the 10 minute drive to talk to Vance. I called him and just emotionally dumped everything on him that day. And didn't even skip a beat when I pulled into the driveway and segwayed from the phone to face to face. I think for me, that was the day God got my attention. My eyes, my ears, my heart were thrown wide open and I decided to let him in. Now, to be clear, I didn't jump on the adoption train. But what I did do was accept that God was trying to tell me something and that I was willing to allow him to do so and trust whatever the outcome would be.
November 2016. So all this stirring I start to ask Vance if we could do some real exploring. Keep in mind we are at the bottom of a mountain here. Like we don't even know the basics, what tools are needed, which direction we're going, etc. So I do some online research and find that there is an orientation about Fostering near us. And that it's actually step one in the process when you decide to move forward. I started to prepare my presentation to Vance. I didn't think he was going to onboard. I knew where he stood and I was fully prepared to be met with resistance. But like Laura Bowers kept saying during the luncheon...but God. Vance listened to my entire presentation without rebuttal and to my surprise he agreed to attend the orientation. I say surprise, but it was shock, pure SHOCK. As the day approached I got very nervous. I sort of forgot why I was going at all, because I so so engulfed with making sure Vance understood that I had no preconceived notions. That his agreeance to attend the orientation wasn't being treated as his agreeance to foster or adopt. I kept reassuring him that I wasn't going to pressure him and I wasn't going to ask him to do anymore that have an open heart and just sit there. The orientation had well over 30 people in attendance. They educated on the foster system, the dire need and what the processed looked like once you decided to move forward. It was very educational and heart breaking. There is definitely a desperate need in our city for foster homes. I kept an eye on Vance through the entire class. He took notes profusely and even raised his hand a few times to ask questions, I was amazed. At the end, the announced they would be around for Q&A and that across the hall were several agencies that you could talk to about fostering/adopting. As the room cleared out, we made our way into the hall and we just stood there for what seemed like forever, probably a solid 20 minutes. We didn't say anything, but just stood in silence and processed everything we had just heard. I finally broke the silence and asked, do we leave or go talk to the agencies, fully expecting to be heading to the car... but God. I followed Vance into the room with all the agencies set up at a booth. It reminded me of a college or job fair set up. We stood in the middle of the room, just watching the interactions around us and I think still in a state of disbelief that we found ourselves in the room at all. Finally a woman approached us and asked if we had any questions. I let Vance set the pace and 20 minutes later we were taking her card and our multiple packets of information back home with us with a LOT more on the table to discuss. We shared our initial reactions or initial gut responses and also just shared in the work that God was doing in our hearts. We knew we needed to bounce all of this off other people so we made time to talk with both sides of our families to share in what we had learned and ask their opinion. Everyone was very supportive, but everyone was extremely reluctant in regards to our ability to cope emotionally around fostering. That was a hard pill to swallow for me. I did understand the concern, but I was a little insulted they didn't think I was strong enough to handle something like this. The holidays were fast approaching and we knew we weren't making any decision before then and more importantly we needed more time to pray, process and pray some more.
December 2016. After chatting with Nita from the Starry agency at the fostering orientation, we immediately knew we had more questions. Not to mention questions we hadn't even thought of that our friends and family had for us. So we decided to pursue the next step which was meeting with Nita for a 1:1 interview. One, can I just say that we love, looooooove Nina. She was without a doubt inserted into this path for us by God himself. We both just felt so at home with her and that we could be real honest and clear about our intentions. We didn't hold anything back and basically shared with her what I shared with you in my opening paragraph. We poured out all of our fears and reservations and she met them with grace. She answered all of our questions and we left there feeling like had enough to help move us into the next phase of deciding whether or not this would be for us. In the car ride home I told Vance had Nita asked us to sign up today, I would have signed my life away. He on the other hand felt convicted to help, but maybe not in the sense of signing up to be foster parents. So clearly not on the same playing field, which stung a little. Here I am being pushed, molded, convicted and feel like all the signs are pointing me to this and yet my husband is clearly reading a different roadmap. We sat for lunch, right after leaving Nita and I just found myself in tears. It was overwhelming to come out of that meeting on opposite sides of the road. I was a little upset with God, why would He do that. Why would he divide us on this issue. As a sidenote, I don't live in limbo very well. So at the end of that lunch knowing where each of us stood, I told Vance it would be best if we took the topic off the table. I didn't want to be pressuring Vance to come around to my side and I didn't feel like I could just pause my journey. I didn't want to be continuing to move towards it, when I knew Vance wasn't and might be wouldn't ever be on board, you know. So we finished out the 2016 holidays and rang in the 2017 New Year, bought our beautiful home and concentrated on that blessing for the time being. This was also about the time we decided to move forward with giving our remaining 5 embryos a chance at life. That was a good feeling to. That decision also felt right with God as well and it was something we were both on the same page about. Do the final transfer and then be done with fertility treatments indefinitely.
March 2017. There is no other way to describe what I am about to say, other than I have been THRUSTED into the world of adoption of the past several weeks. My world has been bombarded with all things adoption everywhere I look. From podcasts that friends have randomly suggested, to encounters with strangers while shopping, to Nita reaching out about upcoming training sessions for foster parents, you name it, it has been loud, aggressive and in my face. And this has left me no option but sit up and listen and put my yes back on the table for God. This message keeps reappearing over and over and over again for me. I think before I had my yes on the table, but it came with guidelines, rules, restrictions, exceptions. And that's just not the type of yes the Lord is looking for. He's looking for a ALL IN kind of yes. One of the podcasts I randomly selected was a woman who had gone through a severe health scare that left unable to have biological children. While she was reflecting back on that season, she was overcome with emotion at the thought of how God navigated her to her adoptive kids. Had she not undergone those health issues, all that suffering, she would have never found her kids. That just resonated in my heart, intentional suffering. Through our season of suffering with infertility I have drawn so much nearer to God and have come to completely trust in Him. I know now that my purpose here may not be motherhood, but God. BUT, GOD! I don't know if adoption will be our route, I don't know if these last final fertility treatments will be successful or not, I don't know a lot of things, but what I do know is that my yes is officially on the table Lord and I am so ready to see how you use me, how you use us. They other conclusion that I have come to, is that it's time to accept the pauses, the seasons of limbo. There is so much growth and trust that is built in these time, it's not for nothing. I told Vance this past Friday, God is stretching. He is asking of me things that I didn't think were possible, but through Him, all things are. I will wait for Vance, I will find joy in this moment of pause while God works on Vance's heart as well.
Thank you for reading along. This was a long one, but it feels so good to get these thoughts out of my head. If you have questions I am happy to answer, or if you have words of encouragement about the journey to decide to adopt, I will take them. :)
Bye for now.
Monday, March 27, 2017
Friday, March 24, 2017
The Final Fertility Showdown
It's been so long since I've been here. In fact, it's been so long since I'd been here that I re-read the last 10 or so blog posts I had written, just to remember where we left off. I almost feel like a different person being here and the woman who was posting before is a distant friend. A friend I was SUPER close with, but just lost touch with. One of those friends who you could very easily pick back up right where you left off. You feelin' me?
When May hits, it will officially be two years since our last fertility cycle. TWO YEARS! Can you believe that, I can't. A few of the posts I re-read talked about a six month break. Who knew six months would turn into two years! I kind of chuckle at the notion of thinking I got to put the parameters in place around our break. How cute was I, holding onto any shred of imaginary control I had in that situation. But, you can't blame a girl for trying, right? I'm sure you are wondering what we have been up for the past two years. I feel like I owe you details, before we pick back up with where we're going. I'll try to keep it brief and to the point, but as you know life can sometimes get in the way of our oh so perfect plans.
Our House- I had no idea how much I struggled with our place of residency. Reading back, it was a beast of an issue for me. I didn't pick up on it, during the time, so I will tell you that we sold the house we were living in, when the miscarriage happened. Financial strain had a BIG role in the decision, but I would be lying if I told you that the built up resentment of that empty, childless house wasn't reason number one. It was a big pill to swallow and to admit, but it was ultimately the choice we made. We stayed in the same neighborhood and rented in a couple condo's while we sorted through life's happenings. We toyed with the idea of moving into different areas, but really struggled with where God wanted us to be. Vance was and still is very involved in soccer leagues and I was very involved in the boxing gym and really enjoyed our church community, so the long and short of it, was we accepted we were exactly where God intended us to reside. Fast forward to this past December, where we closed on our 3rd and beautiful new home. Saying we love this place is an understatement. It just feels good to belong and to be at peace and to have the opportunity to love and serve on those around us. We are slowly but surely getting rooms in order and styled and making it our very own. I don't think a week has gone by where we just stop, look at each other and say, "I LOVE our home." It's such a blessing. I think my joy in this home is also rooted in the fact that we have ZERO expectations, other than to love it, be thankful for it and be open to however God wants to use it. Pups seems to be enjoying it as well!
My Health- This would be the one topic I am updating you on that I wish I had better news to report. I sit here typing, no physically different that I was almost two years ago. Frustrating???? Yes. But also, just re-reading where I was mentally, I just want to hug my two years ago self and say, "sister, chill,". I have been putting so, SO much pressure on myself. And just like with all the other things I deal with, I've got to just let go of the pressure and the burdens and the comparisons and just find the JOY in taking care of myself. I have since taken a backseat at the boxing gym and working at getting regular exercise back into my routine. It's hard to find something I willingly look forward to, but i'm trying new things and am confident I will find the right fit for this season of my life. As far as food goes, this still remains my biggest hurdle. But after my refresher course of past posts, I might just focus on educating myself on nutrition and just serving myself LARGE DOSES of grace. Practice what you preach, right!?
Making Babies- Oh, dear readers, I don't even know where to start. First off, I want to say that I am proud of that struggling girl from posts before. Don't get me wrong, I read a lot of WHY ME and a lot of THIS SUCKS and a lot of BooooooooHooooooooooos. But, I also read a lot of wanting God to change my perspective, not my situation and that makes me happy. I was desperately clinging to Him and my faith and He held onto me for dear life, like He always does and always will. And would you know that I sit here today, a changed person. I have a renewed heart because of my Lord and Savior. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fast, it isn't perfect or complete, but it is changed and growing and I am so thankful for this time to have gotten to know Him more and to have allowed myself to completely surrender to his will and sovereignty. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't pretty, I kicked and screamed and cried the whole way here, but I'm here and it was worth, and let me tell you why. I believe I have found peace in waiting for God's will. I have peace that I still don't know what God's will for us is. What I do know is that He is using us and has been for His purpose and I am 100% okay with that. I have invited Him in to convict me where I need convicting and to stir in me what needs stirring and it has been so unreal, what He can do when you let Him. On the flipside, I am still flawed. I still desire a biological child, but it's not all consuming anymore. And I know that if that desire isn't met, I will be more than okay. I will be better for it actually.
So where are we today fertility wise? After an abundant amount of praying we have decided to pick back up fertility treatments. We have 5 frozen embryos from our last IVF and we going to give those little frozen nuggets a chance. If we aren't successful, then we've made peace with ending fertility treatments from there and potentially looking at fostering or adopting to grow our family. The latter has been a huge topic of discussion and prayer in our household for the last 6 months. I am sure I will be posting more on this one at a later time. We started our current fertility cycle last week and am taking all the lovely meds and getting my body ready for transfer on April 14th. Between today and transfer day, we have a LOT going on. I am closing out my fiscal year end at work and we are taking our first trip to NYC. So there is plenty on the docket to stay occupied with. I had a ton of reservations and anxiety about a month ago, but lately, I am just at total peace and praying it stays that way. I will get into this more on a different post, but this is where I leave you today. All caught up, on all things Making Ackers related.
One thing I haven't mentioned specifically here is Vance. This man, ya'll. When I think of him, in the Husband since of the word and who is he to me, I immediate shake my head with the BIGGEST smile on my face and instantly have to swallow back tears, all at the same time. My love for this man is so BIG, it's all consuming and overwhelming. I have been reflecting on the season of "suffering" I have been through in my life. I think suffering is inevitable and I now believe it is also necessary in order for us to find perspective. In my experience, my season of "suffering" has drawn me nearer to God and for that, I will time and time again endure it. But I also have been reflecting on this idea of suffering for a greater purpose. The idea that we have suffered through infertility so that we may know a Christ like marriage and friendship in each other just resonates with me. Please don't misunderstand me. I am not TRYING to figure out the why, but what I am saying is that IF that was the reason for this season of our life, then it would have been so worth it and I would do it over and over again. I thank God for Vance everyday, it's the opening line to my morning prayers, "Lord, thank for allowing me to wake up in your grace today and for allowing me to wake up next to Vance and puppies." He is such a gift to me and will probably never know how often he saves me. I know without a doubt I was one of his purposes here, that God sent him to be my shepherd and I am forever thankful for his example, his leadership and his selfless love.
So I apologize for my absence, but it was much needed. And I am excited for you to get to know the new me, the older, wiser, more mature...oh who are we kidding, I can't even finish that sentence. :)
Bye for now.
When May hits, it will officially be two years since our last fertility cycle. TWO YEARS! Can you believe that, I can't. A few of the posts I re-read talked about a six month break. Who knew six months would turn into two years! I kind of chuckle at the notion of thinking I got to put the parameters in place around our break. How cute was I, holding onto any shred of imaginary control I had in that situation. But, you can't blame a girl for trying, right? I'm sure you are wondering what we have been up for the past two years. I feel like I owe you details, before we pick back up with where we're going. I'll try to keep it brief and to the point, but as you know life can sometimes get in the way of our oh so perfect plans.
Our House- I had no idea how much I struggled with our place of residency. Reading back, it was a beast of an issue for me. I didn't pick up on it, during the time, so I will tell you that we sold the house we were living in, when the miscarriage happened. Financial strain had a BIG role in the decision, but I would be lying if I told you that the built up resentment of that empty, childless house wasn't reason number one. It was a big pill to swallow and to admit, but it was ultimately the choice we made. We stayed in the same neighborhood and rented in a couple condo's while we sorted through life's happenings. We toyed with the idea of moving into different areas, but really struggled with where God wanted us to be. Vance was and still is very involved in soccer leagues and I was very involved in the boxing gym and really enjoyed our church community, so the long and short of it, was we accepted we were exactly where God intended us to reside. Fast forward to this past December, where we closed on our 3rd and beautiful new home. Saying we love this place is an understatement. It just feels good to belong and to be at peace and to have the opportunity to love and serve on those around us. We are slowly but surely getting rooms in order and styled and making it our very own. I don't think a week has gone by where we just stop, look at each other and say, "I LOVE our home." It's such a blessing. I think my joy in this home is also rooted in the fact that we have ZERO expectations, other than to love it, be thankful for it and be open to however God wants to use it. Pups seems to be enjoying it as well!
My Health- This would be the one topic I am updating you on that I wish I had better news to report. I sit here typing, no physically different that I was almost two years ago. Frustrating???? Yes. But also, just re-reading where I was mentally, I just want to hug my two years ago self and say, "sister, chill,". I have been putting so, SO much pressure on myself. And just like with all the other things I deal with, I've got to just let go of the pressure and the burdens and the comparisons and just find the JOY in taking care of myself. I have since taken a backseat at the boxing gym and working at getting regular exercise back into my routine. It's hard to find something I willingly look forward to, but i'm trying new things and am confident I will find the right fit for this season of my life. As far as food goes, this still remains my biggest hurdle. But after my refresher course of past posts, I might just focus on educating myself on nutrition and just serving myself LARGE DOSES of grace. Practice what you preach, right!?
Making Babies- Oh, dear readers, I don't even know where to start. First off, I want to say that I am proud of that struggling girl from posts before. Don't get me wrong, I read a lot of WHY ME and a lot of THIS SUCKS and a lot of BooooooooHooooooooooos. But, I also read a lot of wanting God to change my perspective, not my situation and that makes me happy. I was desperately clinging to Him and my faith and He held onto me for dear life, like He always does and always will. And would you know that I sit here today, a changed person. I have a renewed heart because of my Lord and Savior. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fast, it isn't perfect or complete, but it is changed and growing and I am so thankful for this time to have gotten to know Him more and to have allowed myself to completely surrender to his will and sovereignty. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't pretty, I kicked and screamed and cried the whole way here, but I'm here and it was worth, and let me tell you why. I believe I have found peace in waiting for God's will. I have peace that I still don't know what God's will for us is. What I do know is that He is using us and has been for His purpose and I am 100% okay with that. I have invited Him in to convict me where I need convicting and to stir in me what needs stirring and it has been so unreal, what He can do when you let Him. On the flipside, I am still flawed. I still desire a biological child, but it's not all consuming anymore. And I know that if that desire isn't met, I will be more than okay. I will be better for it actually.
So where are we today fertility wise? After an abundant amount of praying we have decided to pick back up fertility treatments. We have 5 frozen embryos from our last IVF and we going to give those little frozen nuggets a chance. If we aren't successful, then we've made peace with ending fertility treatments from there and potentially looking at fostering or adopting to grow our family. The latter has been a huge topic of discussion and prayer in our household for the last 6 months. I am sure I will be posting more on this one at a later time. We started our current fertility cycle last week and am taking all the lovely meds and getting my body ready for transfer on April 14th. Between today and transfer day, we have a LOT going on. I am closing out my fiscal year end at work and we are taking our first trip to NYC. So there is plenty on the docket to stay occupied with. I had a ton of reservations and anxiety about a month ago, but lately, I am just at total peace and praying it stays that way. I will get into this more on a different post, but this is where I leave you today. All caught up, on all things Making Ackers related.
One thing I haven't mentioned specifically here is Vance. This man, ya'll. When I think of him, in the Husband since of the word and who is he to me, I immediate shake my head with the BIGGEST smile on my face and instantly have to swallow back tears, all at the same time. My love for this man is so BIG, it's all consuming and overwhelming. I have been reflecting on the season of "suffering" I have been through in my life. I think suffering is inevitable and I now believe it is also necessary in order for us to find perspective. In my experience, my season of "suffering" has drawn me nearer to God and for that, I will time and time again endure it. But I also have been reflecting on this idea of suffering for a greater purpose. The idea that we have suffered through infertility so that we may know a Christ like marriage and friendship in each other just resonates with me. Please don't misunderstand me. I am not TRYING to figure out the why, but what I am saying is that IF that was the reason for this season of our life, then it would have been so worth it and I would do it over and over again. I thank God for Vance everyday, it's the opening line to my morning prayers, "Lord, thank for allowing me to wake up in your grace today and for allowing me to wake up next to Vance and puppies." He is such a gift to me and will probably never know how often he saves me. I know without a doubt I was one of his purposes here, that God sent him to be my shepherd and I am forever thankful for his example, his leadership and his selfless love.
So I apologize for my absence, but it was much needed. And I am excited for you to get to know the new me, the older, wiser, more mature...oh who are we kidding, I can't even finish that sentence. :)
Bye for now.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Still Standing
I always feel so much pressure to come up with a good, "catchy", title for my blog posts. Right now, I've got a few options that aren't quite clicking, but hopefully as the post evolves, the title will make itself known. I preface this post the way I do because this theme of figuring things out as I go has been a dominant one in my life lately. The last post I uploaded was a sad one. It made me sad to re-read it and to remember that sinking feeling I was having just a few short months ago. Since that post, I have had several breakthroughs.
Breakthrough number one was saying goodbye to Georgia, ie, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. I came to a certain understanding about myself, I am an all or nothing type of person. This mentality is not solely dedicated to the infertility part of my life, but to EVERY aspect of my life in fact. I see it with my weight loss and eating habits, in my work life, in my home life and especially in my relationships. And even though this is something I need to work on, adding a little grey into my life, it has helped me reach certain conclusions about overcoming this state of sad I had found myself in, in regards to not being able to get pregnant. There was no way that I was going to be able to live life, always hoping that I would get pregnant. Even in the state of being "on a break" from trying to get pregnant (meaning no meds, no transfers, no birth control), I was still grasping desperately to the idea that my period would be late and miraculously our prayers would be answered and we would be pregnant. This false hope was not letting me enjoy life to the fullest. So with some help, I made the decision to change up my train of thought. In order to move forward, I needed to acknowledge we were no longer "on a break" but we were in fact "not trying to have kids". That is a hard realization to face. Once I spent some time with it, I took it to Vance and he spent some time with it and then we took it to God and felt validation. My counselor recommended some sort of gesture to bring a tangible, concreteness to the decision. So on a day when I was alone at the house I sat down with pen and paper and just sat with my emotions and my desires. I brought Georgia to to life. I let every thought, every hope, every wish I had ever had for her...for us run over me. It was terrible. I've never wanted someone so badly. And with every thought of wanting, every inch of assurance that Georgia is God's plan for us, I had to remind myself that, that was actually my plan for us. If that was God's plan, God's will, than Georgia would be with us now. And she's not. So I could go on pretending I knew best or I could submit to my Savior and have faith in what he has in store for us. Not an easy realization to come to, but a necessary one. So with my pen and paper and tissues, I wrote to my unborn daughter and told her goodbye. Do I sound like a crazy person yet, because I feel like I sound like a crazy person.
Breakthrough number one was saying goodbye to Georgia, ie, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. I came to a certain understanding about myself, I am an all or nothing type of person. This mentality is not solely dedicated to the infertility part of my life, but to EVERY aspect of my life in fact. I see it with my weight loss and eating habits, in my work life, in my home life and especially in my relationships. And even though this is something I need to work on, adding a little grey into my life, it has helped me reach certain conclusions about overcoming this state of sad I had found myself in, in regards to not being able to get pregnant. There was no way that I was going to be able to live life, always hoping that I would get pregnant. Even in the state of being "on a break" from trying to get pregnant (meaning no meds, no transfers, no birth control), I was still grasping desperately to the idea that my period would be late and miraculously our prayers would be answered and we would be pregnant. This false hope was not letting me enjoy life to the fullest. So with some help, I made the decision to change up my train of thought. In order to move forward, I needed to acknowledge we were no longer "on a break" but we were in fact "not trying to have kids". That is a hard realization to face. Once I spent some time with it, I took it to Vance and he spent some time with it and then we took it to God and felt validation. My counselor recommended some sort of gesture to bring a tangible, concreteness to the decision. So on a day when I was alone at the house I sat down with pen and paper and just sat with my emotions and my desires. I brought Georgia to to life. I let every thought, every hope, every wish I had ever had for her...for us run over me. It was terrible. I've never wanted someone so badly. And with every thought of wanting, every inch of assurance that Georgia is God's plan for us, I had to remind myself that, that was actually my plan for us. If that was God's plan, God's will, than Georgia would be with us now. And she's not. So I could go on pretending I knew best or I could submit to my Savior and have faith in what he has in store for us. Not an easy realization to come to, but a necessary one. So with my pen and paper and tissues, I wrote to my unborn daughter and told her goodbye. Do I sound like a crazy person yet, because I feel like I sound like a crazy person.
I think I spent about an hour in total with this exercise. I hated every minute of it, but I would be lying if I didn't admit I found it rather therapeutic. I gathered up my broken heart and found peace in this new stage of our journey. The next step was even harder, I had to share the letter with Vance. We decided to give the letter to my counselor. It had served its purpose in our household and honestly I didn't want it around. It's been over 4 months now and overall I would say things have been better. The last month has been a little more of a struggle , but I think it's due to an increased number of friends and family having babies and announcing pregnancies. I don't see think aspect every completely going away. But hopefully my ability to manage my emotions during these times will keep getting better. I have faith.
So where does that leave us, leave me? Saying goodbye to Georgia wasn't about accepting we'd never have children. Saying goodbye to Georgia was about saying goodbye to a false idol. My desire to be a mother hasn't vanished, but I no longer will allow it to be the one and only desire that dictates my happiness and fulfillment. So for now, I work at finding fulfillment in Christ and in this beautiful life he has already blessed me with. I also can work at the other biggest hurdle in my life, my weight. It's time I start taking better care of myself. It's time I stop hating my body for not being able to do what I want it to, (Get pregnant) and take care of it like the gift that it is. It's time that I stop filling my body with things that are comforting and bad for me, just because I can. These are all realizations that I have been coming to as of late. I am trying to move from realization to action. And the leap is a little further away than expected. But fear not, I'll work up the nerve.
So that's been life. That's where we stand. The good news is, we're still standing. And right now, I'm not sure a girl could ask for much more.
Bye for now.
Monday, July 20, 2015
I'm Not Depressed, I'm Just Sad
* posted SEVERAL weeks after writing, but felt like the below is a huge part of the update I will be posting here shortly.
"I'm not depressed, I'm just sad." I used these exact words yesterday while having a conversation with my husband about my choice to stay buried in bed all afternoon after an "infertility episode" at church. He then proceeded to point out that being THIS sad, over and over again, is probably closer to being depressed than just sad. A lot of things about our conversation pissed me off. Mostly because he was right, hahaha. The last "infertility episode" I had was two weeks ago. A birthday party with my pregnant best friend and her pregnant sister sent me to bed for the rest of the afternoon. So in the grand scheme of things a total mental break down every two weeks or so, isn't really the healthiest of runs. Especially if you take into consideration we are not even "trying" right now. So, this morning, I've been tasked with reflecting on yesterdays' events and figuring out some new techniques, for lack of a better word, to manage my emotions. Let me take you through the series of events that transpired at church yesterday.
Our church was celebrating our 30th anniversary. There was a breakfast reception before service and then a guest speaker was going to be delivering the sermon. He was one of the previous Pastor's. He was actually pretty funny and preached on Romans 12:12. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. What an amazing verse, right? Immediately I knew God was speaking to me and I got my pen and paper out READY for some good note taking. Things were off to a good start, I was very focused and attentively jotting down key points that I needed to take away from his sermon. But somewhere towards the end, Dr. Lashley Banks started to share a little bit about where in his life this verse had applied. He shared that him and his wife struggled to have a baby, for 10 YEARS! You'll have to forgive me, I don't know specifics and I am making a TON of assumptions here, but eventually they had twins, not sure of the method and they were on there merry way. Out of nowhere (this is at the 10 year mark) his wife informs him that she is miraculously pregnant and they are in utter SHOCK. Right about this time they are in New Mexico visiting family and she begins to show signs that the pregnancy might not last. Dr. Lash proceeds to tell us that he went on a walk and talked with God and fell in love with this baby boy that hadn't even been born yet and how he decided to be joyful during this trial and just put his faith and the circumstance in the Lord's hands. Well about this time I had stopped taking notes and was STREAMING tears. Honestly I was so mad. And I was mad because I didn't understand how I had done the SAME THING that day when things started to go south. He then tells us that after his walk he was filled with joy and that they went on to welcome their son Bennett, which means blessing, into the world. It took ALL I had not to stand up and walk out to simply control my overwhelming emotions. WHAT HAD WE DONE WRONG! We were in the same boat and I prayed, I prayed so hard and I asked God to take over and I put it all in his hands and obviously are outcome was severely different. And it simply hurt. And it sent me into a whirlwind of asking myself and God why not us?
I'm not sure really where to go from here. I don't know how to overcome. I don't know how to put my desire to be a Mom and to have a family with Vance in an appropriate place while simultaneously living out a life that I am living to the fullest and enjoying and being present in. And I feel like the one thing I have feared happening this whole time is finally coming to fruition, which is Vance feeling like he is not enough. The thought of that is crippling and yesterday I saw a glimpse of that and it's time to figure out a new game plan because at the end of the day this hurt is not worth jeopardizing my marriage and definitely not worth losing my faith in God.
"I'm not depressed, I'm just sad." I used these exact words yesterday while having a conversation with my husband about my choice to stay buried in bed all afternoon after an "infertility episode" at church. He then proceeded to point out that being THIS sad, over and over again, is probably closer to being depressed than just sad. A lot of things about our conversation pissed me off. Mostly because he was right, hahaha. The last "infertility episode" I had was two weeks ago. A birthday party with my pregnant best friend and her pregnant sister sent me to bed for the rest of the afternoon. So in the grand scheme of things a total mental break down every two weeks or so, isn't really the healthiest of runs. Especially if you take into consideration we are not even "trying" right now. So, this morning, I've been tasked with reflecting on yesterdays' events and figuring out some new techniques, for lack of a better word, to manage my emotions. Let me take you through the series of events that transpired at church yesterday.
Our church was celebrating our 30th anniversary. There was a breakfast reception before service and then a guest speaker was going to be delivering the sermon. He was one of the previous Pastor's. He was actually pretty funny and preached on Romans 12:12. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. What an amazing verse, right? Immediately I knew God was speaking to me and I got my pen and paper out READY for some good note taking. Things were off to a good start, I was very focused and attentively jotting down key points that I needed to take away from his sermon. But somewhere towards the end, Dr. Lashley Banks started to share a little bit about where in his life this verse had applied. He shared that him and his wife struggled to have a baby, for 10 YEARS! You'll have to forgive me, I don't know specifics and I am making a TON of assumptions here, but eventually they had twins, not sure of the method and they were on there merry way. Out of nowhere (this is at the 10 year mark) his wife informs him that she is miraculously pregnant and they are in utter SHOCK. Right about this time they are in New Mexico visiting family and she begins to show signs that the pregnancy might not last. Dr. Lash proceeds to tell us that he went on a walk and talked with God and fell in love with this baby boy that hadn't even been born yet and how he decided to be joyful during this trial and just put his faith and the circumstance in the Lord's hands. Well about this time I had stopped taking notes and was STREAMING tears. Honestly I was so mad. And I was mad because I didn't understand how I had done the SAME THING that day when things started to go south. He then tells us that after his walk he was filled with joy and that they went on to welcome their son Bennett, which means blessing, into the world. It took ALL I had not to stand up and walk out to simply control my overwhelming emotions. WHAT HAD WE DONE WRONG! We were in the same boat and I prayed, I prayed so hard and I asked God to take over and I put it all in his hands and obviously are outcome was severely different. And it simply hurt. And it sent me into a whirlwind of asking myself and God why not us?
I'm not sure really where to go from here. I don't know how to overcome. I don't know how to put my desire to be a Mom and to have a family with Vance in an appropriate place while simultaneously living out a life that I am living to the fullest and enjoying and being present in. And I feel like the one thing I have feared happening this whole time is finally coming to fruition, which is Vance feeling like he is not enough. The thought of that is crippling and yesterday I saw a glimpse of that and it's time to figure out a new game plan because at the end of the day this hurt is not worth jeopardizing my marriage and definitely not worth losing my faith in God.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Are You Tracking With Me?
We just got back from our San Diego trip this past Sunday. And I have to admit, this whole year of travel we're doing in 2015 is off to a great start. San Diego, and all of its constituents, was AMAZING. Everything about that place was just beautiful and chill. In fact, that should be the cities slogan. We stayed in La Jolla and practically ate our way through Prospect St. We hit up Pacific Beach, Mission Beach (might be the same things) and Coronado Beach, where the sand sparkled and I could have lived forever. On the sand, not the water, because the water was freezing cold. The food was never disappointing, the people all looked so relaxed and tan (that couldn't be good for their skin, right!?) and the weather was a perfect 75 degrees all week. Did I mention I could easily live there????
Since we've been back this week, getting back into our work routines and sharing our vacation stories and pictures with everyone, I haven't really had time to think about all the baby stuff lately. But I did have a fleeting moment yesterday when I realized that had we not decided to put things on hold this year, we'd be starting up our next cycle. It made me sad. Deciding not to do any fertility cycles this year is not about NOT wanting to get pregnant, it's about focusing on getting healthier to better my chances of getting pregnant when we do start things up again next year. But, what if that doesn't necessarily happen??? This has been on my mind A LOT lately. What if at the end of the year, I have lost no weight and am physically no better off than when this year started, what does that mean????
I've also been wondering if the reason I am unable to really apply myself to the better eating is because weight loss is my last hope at getting pregnant. What if I lose the 100 lbs and STILL don't get pregnant???? I will then have tried EVERYTHING within my power to be able to carry my own child. And that is heart breaking. So if I never try, then I'll never know. Believe me, I know how dumb that sounds and I know there are other alternatives to having a family, but right now, in this moment, it's devastating.
Another round of pregnant friends has just started, which means another round of baby showers and another round of forcing smiles and pretending like being around and part of those things doesn't utterly destroy me. But everyone has their kryptonite and right now, in this moment, this is mine.
Sometimes I wonder what I will think about these last 4 years once we're parents. Will I think my feelings were justified? Will I think I wasted 4 years moping around when I could have been maximizing our days as kid free adults? Will I be given a chance to reflect back at all as a Mother? I can only hope...
My inner Beyonce (yes, you read that right. I have an inner Beyonce) says be fierce, don't let this cripple you. Just do you boo-boo. Live life to the fullest and soak up your blessings. I think I might need to listen to her more often.
This post is all over the place. Our pastor uses the phrase, "Are you tracking with me?" He uses it a lot. Mainly when he bounces between multiple bible verses during his sermons. I think he looks up and see the faces of our congregation and thinks, let me pause to make sure you guys are following along. Maybe I should pause here to see if YOU GUYS are following along. DO your minds ever just wonder from one thought to the next? Mine ALWAYS does, I can NEVER turn it off. Its exhausting. I read a few other blogs and they just seem so organized and eloquent. I am neither.
I guess in summary, San Diego was a nice getaway from reality, but when we got got to reality, reality hit kind of hard.
Bye for now...
Since we've been back this week, getting back into our work routines and sharing our vacation stories and pictures with everyone, I haven't really had time to think about all the baby stuff lately. But I did have a fleeting moment yesterday when I realized that had we not decided to put things on hold this year, we'd be starting up our next cycle. It made me sad. Deciding not to do any fertility cycles this year is not about NOT wanting to get pregnant, it's about focusing on getting healthier to better my chances of getting pregnant when we do start things up again next year. But, what if that doesn't necessarily happen??? This has been on my mind A LOT lately. What if at the end of the year, I have lost no weight and am physically no better off than when this year started, what does that mean????
I've also been wondering if the reason I am unable to really apply myself to the better eating is because weight loss is my last hope at getting pregnant. What if I lose the 100 lbs and STILL don't get pregnant???? I will then have tried EVERYTHING within my power to be able to carry my own child. And that is heart breaking. So if I never try, then I'll never know. Believe me, I know how dumb that sounds and I know there are other alternatives to having a family, but right now, in this moment, it's devastating.
Another round of pregnant friends has just started, which means another round of baby showers and another round of forcing smiles and pretending like being around and part of those things doesn't utterly destroy me. But everyone has their kryptonite and right now, in this moment, this is mine.
Sometimes I wonder what I will think about these last 4 years once we're parents. Will I think my feelings were justified? Will I think I wasted 4 years moping around when I could have been maximizing our days as kid free adults? Will I be given a chance to reflect back at all as a Mother? I can only hope...
My inner Beyonce (yes, you read that right. I have an inner Beyonce) says be fierce, don't let this cripple you. Just do you boo-boo. Live life to the fullest and soak up your blessings. I think I might need to listen to her more often.
This post is all over the place. Our pastor uses the phrase, "Are you tracking with me?" He uses it a lot. Mainly when he bounces between multiple bible verses during his sermons. I think he looks up and see the faces of our congregation and thinks, let me pause to make sure you guys are following along. Maybe I should pause here to see if YOU GUYS are following along. DO your minds ever just wonder from one thought to the next? Mine ALWAYS does, I can NEVER turn it off. Its exhausting. I read a few other blogs and they just seem so organized and eloquent. I am neither.
I guess in summary, San Diego was a nice getaway from reality, but when we got got to reality, reality hit kind of hard.
Bye for now...
Monday, March 2, 2015
Stephanie and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Two Weeks
What a doozie this past two weeks have been. Life has been changed ever so slightly in our household. My husbands 18 year old brother has moved in with us. Since he arrived here in Austin, we have been showing him the royal treatment around our a favorite eating joints. This little break in my better eating routine was music to my ears, more so my stomach. But it did send me spiraling out of control. And the nose dive has lasted a solid two weeks. Actually, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure that is really over. All I have been doing is craving and lining up my next meals, even before I've fully digested the last one. It's so embarrassing. At least last week I had a conscious about it. I was feeling guilty and down about my decisions. But that didn't change the outcome, sadly enough. I even skipped boxing last week, which I haven't wanted to do in a very long time. The class before was such a struggle to make it through. I felt so fatigued and heavy and out of breath. On Thursday, I just couldn't bring myself to go through that again. The frustrating thing is that those feelings didn't kick me back into eating better. They only drove me to eat more and even worse. It's crippling to feel like I have no control over my actions or decisions.
Even now, as I spent all day yesterday telling myself, "this is it. Today is the last day of bad eating," I am sitting here contemplating what to have for lunch. And not a what health lunch item am I going to have contemplation. I am having a can I just eat what I want to eat for lunch contemplation. I feel like my own worst enemy. And that feels terrible.
I am not sure how things will go today. Breakfast went as it should, so hopefully I can keep things moving from there. But, just not sure where to go from here. How do I just make the switch and be done with it, you know. The struggle is so real, yet seems so silly. I'm not sure if there is a rhyme or reason to this post. I think I just needed to vent. Get the thoughts out on virtual paper, so they might stop circling my head. But I just get so down on myself and it almost feels impossible at times to change things around. That's all I have.
Bye for now.
Even now, as I spent all day yesterday telling myself, "this is it. Today is the last day of bad eating," I am sitting here contemplating what to have for lunch. And not a what health lunch item am I going to have contemplation. I am having a can I just eat what I want to eat for lunch contemplation. I feel like my own worst enemy. And that feels terrible.
I am not sure how things will go today. Breakfast went as it should, so hopefully I can keep things moving from there. But, just not sure where to go from here. How do I just make the switch and be done with it, you know. The struggle is so real, yet seems so silly. I'm not sure if there is a rhyme or reason to this post. I think I just needed to vent. Get the thoughts out on virtual paper, so they might stop circling my head. But I just get so down on myself and it almost feels impossible at times to change things around. That's all I have.
Bye for now.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
WHY DO I SUCK AT FOOD?
This image has been floating around my social media streams lately and it just seems so appropriate. In one image, I can sum up how I've been feeling about changing my eating habits.
I feel like that's how I should end this post. Those two sentences and this one image. Eating healthy or healthier than I have been is quite possibly the hardest thing I've had to do. Being in a constant state of evaluation as WHY I am wanting what I want is miserable. Can't a girl just want to go hard into a over sized jar of Nutella simply because it tastes good and she wants to??????? Does there have to be deep hidden desires behind EVERY craving I have? This week has been tough. And even though I find myseld going through the motion and making better decisions here and there, it has not at all been without excessive obsessing over all the things I would rather be eating. One of my biggest problems is becoming aware that healthy full feels MUCH different than bad full. Let me back up a post and expand on our little Smash Burger adventure. If you aren't familiar, you can get caught up here.
Just to give a tiny re-cap, Sunday evening was by far the most unhealthy eating I did all last week. I had been doing great all day. For breakfast I had half a Belvita breakfast biscuit package and my cup of coffee and for lunch we had sandwiches (on wheat, no mayo) and I was feeling pretty proud of myself. We shared a juice after our hiking outing and things were looking positive. 6:00 pm rolled around and we were sitting down to a dinner of blackened cod with a double serving of asparagus. We finished eating around 6:30 pm and immediately we both felt unsatisfied. I went to the fridge and grabbed us an energy bite thinking we just needed to finish the meal off with something sweet. 15 minutes later we were starring at each other simply feeling hungry still. So back to the fridge I went to cut up some fresh strawberries. We hovered those and again about 15 minutes later, still hungry. Our last stitch attempt to satisfy our hunger beast was a artichoke/red potato dish I had picked up earlier from The Soup Peddler. After a few bites we were aware that there was nothing in our household that was going to do the trick. That's when the negotiations started. Needless to say we found ourselves in route to Smash Burger around 7:45 pm. We both ordered our own individual meal and proceeded to to HOOVER them down NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER. As we walked out with our heads hung low and shame radiating from our hearts it was very apparent that this journey is not going to be easy.
I couldn't figure out where I went wrong. Minus the getting in the car and driving to Smash Burger part. But what we've come to realize is that healthy full can easily be mistaken for not full. And I need to wrap my head around the idea that just because I am not miserably busting at the seams doesn't mean I am not full and satisfied. We felt horrible after Smash Burger, both mentally and physically. So much so that I forced us to walk the around the shopping center three times before getting in the car to drive home. I was bloated and stuffed and gas-y and just disappointed that I didn't have the strength to say no. But as easy as it is for me to beat myself up, I am going to try to just call it a lesson learned and move on.
So what lessons did I learn exactly?
- I don't have to eat to the point of no return in order to be full and satisfied.
- We need to leave less awake hours between our last meal or snack and dinner. That way we aren't just up and constantly thinking about what we CAN eat.
- I am going to slip up. But as long as I pick myself back up and continue toward the end result, I am still making GREAT progress.
What have you guys done to help keep you on track during the early stages of a eating overhaul?
Bye for now.
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