Choosing Joy

I met with my counselor today. I am not sure If I've mentioned that before, but I've been seeing a counselor since September of last year. Since January, a lot of our sessions have been focused around our infertility. She has really helped me on so many different levels. Today, I started to feel like our time might be coming to an end. She told me on day one that her goal for all her patients is to not have to see her anymore. And I'm sad to say, I think this may be me. As a side note, I am hoping that not being her patient might open the door for us to actually be friends in the future. Is that creepy??? I have found myself in a really good place in this journey. I didn't see myself EVER getting here. In fact I remember specifically saying aloud, "I don't see myself ever being OKAY with not being a mother,". And in writing that statement just now, I might never be okay with that fact still, but I think I have decided to chose JOY.

I think we have been living in a sad chapter of our story, a story that I am living and telling, but that has already been written by God. (Thanks Michelle!) When I think back on the last 3+ years of our lives, yes we've had some great moments, buying new houses, going to the Caymans, Boston, new jobs, the list could go on, but overall I feel like it's had this shadow of hurt and disappoint lingering over our my head. What I am starting to realize is even though that shadow is there, doesn't mean I have to stay under it. I have the choice to walk away at anytime. And now, I am choosing to walk out from underneath the pain, the hurt, the disappointment, the anger, the questioning and know that this is part of my story, but not the end. I have become who I am because of what I've been through. I wouldn't know the importance of my faith in God or the importance of relying on HIM in EVERYTHING I do, if I haven't been through the trenches. I might have reached out for HIM a little late, but in the end, I reached out none the less. And HE pulled me from the shadows and today I stand in HIS light. Today I am overcome with JOY at what my life is and what my life will be.

I'm not saying there won't be bad days or hard moments. Hell, I'm awaiting a possible bad day/moment come test day, this Friday. But what I will no longer allow is those days/moments to define who I am or lessen what my amazing life is. Whew! Feel like I just got done testifying! Can a sister get an AMEN!?

Vance's Aunt gave me a daily devotional for Christmas this year and I have found it to be such a source of reminding. Even on a good day, when I don't need the reminding, it has such encouragement. I am not the best at keeping up on a daily basis, so last night I spent some time back reading. As I read I came across verse after verse that just struck a chord in my soul. I thought I would share some of them with you.

Bye for now.