What I have been struggling with these past 3 years is the WHY. Why am I not able to get pregnant? What are we doing that is wrong? Why aren't the treatments working? WHY's filled my head, my heart, my life. I was focusing so much on what we didn't have, what wasn't working that I completely lost touch of what we did have and what was working. What we do have is each other and a beautiful marriage and life. And what is working is God, in our lives and in our hearts. Those few previous statements were not easy to come by. I have been doing some serious work to arrive here at this new destination. And the destination is called, I have ZERO control over this. They are 100 things I could try and do to get pregnant. I do be baptized and become a baptist, I could start going to church every Sunday and join a bible study. I could do acupuncture or have sex backwards with one leg facing due North while drinking an Arnold Palmer through a pink straw while listening to Baby Got Back. I could rub every essential oil known to man on my hips, lower back and temples. I could take the most expensive pre-natal vitamin on the market and never eat a piece of bread again in my life. I could take hormone pills and injections, have my Dr. remove 25 mature follicles, just to fertilize them in his special lab and turn right back around and plant right back in my uterus. All of these things I can do and some I have done, but at the end of it all, these things have no real impact on the outcome...I have no real impact on the outcome. And the more and more I realize this, the more and more my heart has hurt less and less. God has a plan. God has our plan, the Acker plan. No plan that Vance or I could ever dream up would come close to the plan God has in store for us. And who are we to think we could do better, know better. God is working in us, through this journey, for good. It is all for good. I know this, I trust in this, I place my entire faith in this fact and I find myself somewhere that I haven't been in the last 3 years...at peace.
My desire to be a Mom, to have a family with Vance hasn't gone away. But it has found a better fit in my heart. It used to be 99.9% of what I desired and now it's making its way down the priority list. WHY you may be asking???? Because if I don't focus on living the life I have now, I will wake up one day and regret not living in this moment. This moment with Vance, with puppies, with friends and family. I will regret not being thankful and humbled by the incredible life I am living right now, in this exact moment. I will regret missing it, while I was wishing and praying so desperately for something else. Something I thought would be better. So I have decided to give it to God. Because who could know better than He. He will show us our path, he will show us our purpose. So where does this leave us with all the fertility treatments????
In January we did another full blown IVF. We had 7 fertilized eggs and transferred one in, which did not take. In February we went back in for another exploratory surgery. We found more endometriosos, which was removed and few more lesions, which were also removed. Since then we've been on hiatus. And it has been so nice. You quickly forget what your normal, non hormonal self feels like. And it is a bit of a sigh of relief when you realize you aren't normally that big of a B@TCH. :) I've taken up a boxing class, which I love and have just been able to live our normal routine for the last several months. I've even lost 16 lbs since December!!! I will update you guys on my eating habits etc in another post. We took a trip to the awesome city of Boston in April and loved every minute of it. It's amazing how great life is when you sit back and enjoy it! And now we are at our favorite fork in the road, to continue the hiatus or give it another go.
The breaks from cycles has been refreshing. And the fact that I've been able to work on my health and lose some weight has been so exciting and motivating! That being said, having just did a good old fashion uterus clean out, we are in prime mode for a transfer. So after much deliberation and prayer, we have decided to do one more transfer before taking some extended time off to give ourselves a mental/emotional rest and to continue focusing on our health. As of right now we are scheduled for a transfer on the 21st of this month, as in next week. The plan is to transfer two blastocytes this round. We've had an insurance change since last we talked, so that has forced us to make a few tweaks to our approach.
Although my uterus has never been more ready for a transfer, I am standing by my new found belief that this whole process is utterly up to God. I will be praying this round, not for a positive pregnancy test, but simply that His will be done. I honestly feel through prayer he has led us to the decision to move forward with one more transfer at this time and that He will continue to lead us down the path he has laid before us. More importantly, I find peace in that realization and that's a great place to finally be.
So that's where we are. I've missed sharing with you guys and hope a few of you are still out there. I will be back soon with updates on this transfer and to give you the skinny on the new insurance situation and the weight loss.
Bye for now!
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