Revelations

The revelations just continue to poor out of me this week. Last night, I was reading a post from Baby Boy Bakery. She has been sharing about dealing with the grief of the sudden loss of their son. It is such a sad story of loss, yet such a beautiful story of faith in God. In all honestly, I think their story sort of fast tracked mine into where I have arrived to today.

In grieving there is sadness. Per one of Google's definitions, to grieve is to feel grief for or because of. Baby Boy Bakery feels grief for the loss of her son. I have come to the realization that over the last 3+ years I have been grieving the loss of a life I might not ever have. I've said multiple times here that I always knew I was put here to be a mother. To rock babies to sleep, to love my children unconditionally and to raise a family with my husband. And so that has been the plan all along. But I've come to the part of my plan, that isn't quite going...to plan. This isn't like I wanted a cheese pizza and they accidentally brought me pepperoni. This is I have been waiting and anticipating to fulfill my life's calling in becoming a mother to children of my own and it turns out that just might not be what God has planned for me. And it hurts. It is painful. It is devastating. It is earth shattering. And so I've been grieving.

I've been grieving because I may never get to carry my sweet baby in my belly for 9 months. I've been grieving because I may never have that moment of meeting my son or my daughter for the first time and sharing that indescribable moment with Vance. I've been grieving because I may never know the joy of taking him or her home from the hospital. I've been grieving because I may never be able to sing him or her to sleep at night, kiss their eyes and nose and bellies and toes. I'm grieving because I may never be able to nurse them when their sick or share a hug when they have a boo-boo. I've been grieving because I may never watch Vance teach him or her how to dance or play soccer. I've been grieving because I may never send him or her to school for the first time, watch them graduate or have babies of their own. I've been grieving because I may never have the chance to be a Grandmother. These things are truly losses for me. I know I may never have them and so it may be hard to understand why I would need to grieve them, but I do. And it may have taken me 3+ years, but I honestly feel like my grieving process has come to a close. Hell, I even was able to write this post without tears streaming down my face! (Okay, okay, I teared up, but they didn't stream down!) I think as of this past couple weeks I have entered my healing phase and I know it was because I've reached out to God to help me. I am ready to leave the grief behind and enjoy the JOY that is here today and the JOY that he has in store for me in the future.

It feels good to have a better understanding of what I have been going through for the past few years. And as much as I thought my plan was good, was great in fact, can you imagine how much better of a plan God has waiting for me, for us...

Bye for now.