Establishing Parameters

I don't know about you, but when I set a goal for myself, I tend to need parameters. An easy example is setting the goal to lose weight. Instead of completely cutting sugar out of my diet, I try to limit myself to one sweet item per day. Or something like only weighing myself once a week, instead of daily. These parameters are in place to help me succeed, because I know that if I cut sugar out of my diet completely, I will fail. I know that if I weigh myself daily, I get easy frustrated, so I remove the ability to get frustrated from the equation, yet still keep the weighing in in the process. Used correctly, it is a great motivator. Do you see where I am going?

The goal in life right now, is to be at peace with our baby making journey. I want to rest in the fact that God's plan for us is better. It is extremely hard to do that. At the moment, I think having a family now is what's best for us. But clearly that's not the case, as we are not there yet. So I am attempting to transition (again) to a place of fulfillment with where we are in life today, with what we have in life today. I am also attempting (again) to replace my overwhelming desire for a family with an overwhelming love for God. I want to want Him more than I want a family. And that can be difficult.

In order to help myself on this journey, I've decided to drop a few instagram accounts off my feed. (disclosure: I am an instagramer and not on facebook) One day while creepin', I found a TON of instagram accounts related to infertility. All these women posting about their journeys, their stories, their coping mechanisms, etc. At the time I found it comforting. I think we've talked about it before, misery loves company. It just felt good to not be alone. But over the last few weeks a few of them have received positive pregnancy tests. They seemed to have shared this news in real time with everyone, including their instagram followers. I was SHOCKED! What if, like me, something happens and they lose it? How devastating to have to share that news with the masses. At least it would be for me. And if they are anything like me, I don't handle condolences well. I don't like people feeling sorry for me, it makes me very uncomfortable. So much so, that I just avoid people. One of the girls posted, very soon after her positive pregnancy test news, what she did to get her positive. With each fact she shared, I started to become more and more angry. Before I was half way down the list, tears were streaming down my face. I mean one of her suggestions was eating McDonald's french fries after the transfer, because she heard it helped. WTF! After some much needed soul searching I decided that my need to let go and let God was bigger than my need to see what is going on in other strangers infertility worlds. Even if for a fleeting moment, it brought me some comfort. Comfort is temporary. What I am after is that long term commitment.

There are a few bloggers out there that I follow and that I feel like I connected with on some aspect of their story. And I intend to continue to follow along on their journey, but I don't think I am quite ready for immersing myself into the infertility community. But who knows where this journey will take me. For now I am confident in the parameters I have set up.

Bye for now.

Squeeze In the Good Where/When You Can

Our weekdays are JAM PACKED! Here's a little view into what our Monday thru Friday tends to look like.  This doesn't even include the 8-9 hours a day we spend working for tat mighty dollar! *B is for both. :)

Monday: LifeGroup 6-8pm (B)/ Soccer (V)
Tuesday: Bowing 6-7pm (S)/ Soccer (V)
Wednesday: Volleyball (S)/ Soccer (V)
Thursday: Boxing 6-7pm (S)
Friday: BREATHE

Soccer and volleyball game times can vary, which make the week just that much more enjoyable. It also leaves me feeling like we don't get to spend a whole lot of quality time together during the week. By the time Friday rolls around I am craving some hardcore 1:1 time with my man! Like want to drag him into a dark cave, where no one can find us and just decompress and get a love recharge from the week. Am I a complete weirdo????? Vance seems to think so, hahah, but he does put up with it! The summer in particular is just the worse. Starting in April the family birthdays, on both sides, keep us in full swing. Between birthdays, birthday parties, graduations, reunions, vacations, baby showers and don't forget the holidays, we are in CONSTANT go mode.

Fridays we do our best to make ZERO plans if we can help it, other than to grab some dinner with each other. And then we do what we do best and attach our asses to the couch and get lost in tv or a movie we've been wanting to rent. It's glorious! This time is so crucial for us. We used to not be very good at taking time to check in with each other or our marriage. Which sounds crazy, but it is so easy to get lost in the motion of things. So this is our time to see how each other are doing with work, life, other relationships and specifically anything going on in our marriage that we need/want to talk about or sort out. It's amazing how much better I feel (I won't speak for Vance) after these conversations. I go to bed happy and at peace after Friday dinner dates. And I can use all the happy and peace I can get!

Saturdays are typically reserved for our FUN days. This Saturday in particular we made a trip down to the South side of Austin to visit South Congress. South Congress, for you non Austinites, is a funky, hipster-filled food and shopping mecca burrowed just outside of downtown Austin. It's a great place for people watching and stuffing your face and shopping for unique and stylish finds. We don't make it down often, but Saturday I was feeling the need to something different and outdoorsy and so we knew it was the perfect spot.  The SOCO area stretches about 5-6 blocks on both sides of the street. We parked on one end and made our way down and back up while browsing the funky stores and stopping in restaurants to eat and drink and be merry! After out little adventure down South, we came back home for a little cat nap, or a 2 hour cat nap, bit whose counting???? Once we pulled ourselves out of our mid day sleep slumber we headed back out for what else other than, MORE FOOD! We visited one of our favorite little neighborhood sushi joints. Saturday was food perfection. I miss it already.

Our first stop on South Congress at Little Barrel and Brown for beverages.

Vance doing what he does best, while I window shopped at TOMs.

Lunch at Perla's, we started will grilled oysters. YUM and my first oyster EVER!

One of Austin's favorite boot shops, Allen's Boots.

Tomo Sushi, try the Ex-Girlfriend roll, it our favorite!

This past Sunday I co-hosted a baby shower. I kind of feel like leaving it at that. It was for one of my best friends from high school. Him and his wife are expecting twin boys in October. I am so very happy for them and they were very grateful for the shower.

Typically, Sundays are spent at church and then usually meeting up with our families for lunch or dinner. And then preparing for the next week ahead of us. It's hard to cram all the good and fun into two days a week, but we do what we gotta do! How far away is retirement, hahahahah!??????

How do you guys spend your weeks?

Bye for now.

Getting Hype

Timing is everything. Especially when it comes to deciding when to exercise. Let me start by stating that I am not necessarily a lazy person, however, I want to be. I want to be cool with just laying in bed or on the couch and watching tv all day while snacking on goodies. In an ideal life, that set up would be mighty fine with me. I don't necessarily LOVE being outside, I'm not outdoorsy if you will. But I've been known to go on a hike or two and I love the lake, kayaking, swimming, etc. The concept of running or walking is just boring. I've been doing the Couch to 5K, because I have to, right, but I don't LOVE it or anything. In order to trick myself into thinking exercise if fun, I am more of a group class girl. Classes like zumba, yoga and my most favorite as of late, my boxing class! I am NOT a morning person, so therefore I am left with doing the exercise piece after work. Which honestly is like THE LAST thing I want to do after 8+ hours of the grind. But you gotta do, what you gotta do!

So how do I get hype for class, how do I keep finding the motivation to press forward toward my goal of getting healthier??? Well, so glad you asked. First off, I picture this woman. Have I mentioned my obsession with the Bey? She just be workin' it. I strive to be fit enough, strong enough to spend 30 minutes in a squat position like a bad ass. Who wouldn't?

SURFBOARD

Next, while envisioning the before mentioned Bey, I suit up!

On The Run Tour bandanna. #OTR

And then by some form of GROWN WOMAN MAGIC, I am embodied with DIVA status that just gets the blood pumping through my veins. I am then washed over with a tremendous sense of SUPERWOMAN-ness that allows me to conquer things like the 49-move Challenge Coin Combo! I was the first one in my Tier 2 class to do it! SO fun and gives me such a feeling of accomplishment!

Challenge Coin Combo CRUSHED!

How do you get hype for exercise when you don't wanna???

Bye for now.

Under Construction

It's amazing the number of emotions and feelings and processes the body can go through in a matter of days. After my HSG procedure on Monday I was in a rotten place. I use the word rotten because the term bad mood doesn't do it justice. My bad mood had some stank on it and I pretty much stayed in that mood for the duration of the day. We had LifeGroup that evening. The specific study we are working on asked us to share our testimony. I got pretty emotional when reading my aloud. My testimony, my story revolves around control issues. You can imagine the severe connection. We asked our LifeGroup to pray for us for peace and for guidance with the decisions that we have coming our way and for me to find a way to let go of the anger and the hurt. Even after all that, I didn't necessarily feel better.

Tuesday I met with the Pastor of our church. This feeling of being angry at God just wasn't sitting well with me our my soul. I don't want to be angry with him, but I am having a hard time working my way out of that. I was really nervous going to see him, but in the long run it did nothing but help. I would even go as far as to say I felt instantly better. We talked about my control issues and that it's okay to grieve. He told me it is perfectly normal to have all these competing emotions happening at once. We're human. He gave me some great insight into listening for God. And how all things, all the hurt, the pain, the waiting are for good through God's works. And that his path is all for his glory. Sometimes you just need someone to slow you down and remind you of these things. It is so easy to get tangled up in the bad. I left there with multiple things to talk about, but like I said, I just left a little lighter, like I was able to put down a piece of the burden I have been carrying around for the past month or so.

This morning I had my cycle review appointment with my Dr. Funny enough, the appointment went just as I expected. He had no real answers to any of the questions I had, but for whatever reason I just needed to hear it from the horses mouth. He thinks taking the rest of the year off is a fine decision. In fact, he said once we are ready, we will keep doing exactly what we have been doing as far as meds and doses, because in essence it is working, ie the positive pregnancy test. We just haven't transferred the right embryo yet. YET. The only other thing he could suggest, that could help us out, would to work at getting to a more ideal body weight. The last time he suggested this I lost it. I was embarrassed and hurt and completely broke down in front of him. But this time, it just felt like a part of the game plan. Do I dare say do-able? I made it through the whole appointment without a tear! Seems childish, but that was a huge accomplishment. So come January, or whenever we decide the time is right, we will pick things back up right where we're leaving them. I am not even sad about this time off, I am hoping that's because it's exactly what we need right now. So bear with me while this little blog takes a detour to getting healthy. I do hope you stick around and share your journeys and stories. 

I know this overnight change can come and go and thank you for being such great listeners. 

Bye for now.

Beyonce, Yonce, Bey, Bebe Bey...

Besides my wedding day, I have yet to experience something that gives me such a rush and keeps me on such a level of excitement so high I can't stand it, other than a Beyonce concert. Yes people, I am a Beyonce super fan. I can't help it, the woman is a bad ass. My first concert was last year for my 30th birthday. Vance surprised me with tickets, for that alone my love for him will never falter. I laughed, I cried (truth), I danced until my legs fell off...well that might be a bit dramatic, but my shoes sure as hell did! It was life changing, like no lie, life changing. I went again in December to my first hometown concert in Houston. Speechless. This left me simply wanting more. So when the On The Run tour was announced, you can bet your sweet hiney I was scouring the infoweb for tickets. We landed tickets in Houston again! This trip was SO fun, it was me, my sister, our hair dresser (but practically family) and her sister. Minor plug action, if you are in the Austin area and in need of some hair ninja-ry, hit up Zig Zag Salon. Ask for Freida or Andrea and Mel! These ladies just made the trip and Beyonce was simply the icing on the cake. We ate, shopped, danced, made slo-mp videos, did a lot of hair, a lot of makeup, BEYONCE'D OUT, went to the zoo and ate some more! All while laughing our butts off. Does that not sound like the best girls weekend ever?????

Without further ado, my awesome weekend in pictures...

Our hotel room arrival, "before" pic.

Me and the sibling, Beyonce ready!

Freida and a fellow Beyonce fan we met in the elevator. She brings us all together!

Drea and I wiggin' out over being SO CLOSE to the stage.

Bey and Jay

Is she not the most beautiful thing you've EVER seen! :)

Reppin' Texas Baby!

HOVA

Distraught and exhausted and ready to be home!

Bye for now!

Saying Goodbye

I've been struggling with accepting the fact that I am morning a loss. It seems silly, honestly, to be so upset over something I never really had to begin with. But it feels like the sadness comes mostly from such disappointment. That for a split second, all the waiting and the negatives were worth it, for that one positive. And then just like that, it was gone. I also feel pretty foolish to have let myself get so invested into something that I should have known wasn't a sure thing. My visit with my counselor last week was a hard one. I think I said the phrase, "I am so angry," about a dozen times. And that is just how I feel. I am angry and mad and unhappy and hurt and feel so jipped. A bigger part of this, is I feel mad at God. Which is not a good feeling to have. I'm not questioning Him or my faith by any means, but I'm just mad. And I don't understand what all of that was even for. And I'm mad at the thought of having to get back to that place of peace, when it feels so pointless that I had to leave at all in the first place.

Home still makes me incredibly sad. I was out of town this past weekend, for another Beyonce concert. I'll save that for a happier post. I had such a great weekend. I laughed, a lot and overall just felt really good. But it was like the minute I pulled into our driveway it was back to reality. And reality these days is just not good. I keep trying to remind myself that this can't be easy for Vance, for me to feel like this. I think maybe that will help pull me out of the funk, but really it just only makes it worse, cause then I start just feeling like a failure. It has been a really tough month. And it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My counselor suggested I may be holding on to these feelings because I haven't really given myself the closure I need. She suggested doing some sort of gesture, writing a letter, burying something symbolic, releasing a balloon, something to help me acknowledge this as a loss. To process those feelings and then to help start letting go. As soon as she suggested it, I was balling. I guess it struck a cord. This morning I had my HSG, this flushes the fallopian tubes to ensure nothing was left behind. :( On Wednesday I meet with my Dr for a cycle review. I think once all the visits pertaining to this cycle are done, I will be able to process my final goodbye.

Sorry to be such a debbie downer today, but no one ever said infertility was easy.

Bye for now.

As of Late...

As of late, life has been the usual. 4th of July week was so much fun, I have pics below for you guys, and then I turned right around to head to New Jersey for work. I mentioned in a previous post staying busy helps and it definitely has. The less down time the better. The minute I slow down, my mind tends to speed, almost instantly. Sitting in the house this morning has already sent me into a tizzy. I go see my counselor next week and I think that visit is very overdue. The last visit was right after the bad news, so I wasn't quite processing anything other than sadness. But now I feel inundated with emotions. Anger mostly, but still sadness and anxiety about what we do from here and what we do while we take this much needed break, ie finances, the house. I don't expect her to have all the answers or ANY, but I know talking it out with her will help, it always does. Right now I feel like I am suggesting a different solution to Vance every other day and I know that can be frustrating...for BOTH of us! So while I sort through all these emotions and what the game plan is, let me leave you with some much prettier visuals.

This VIEW!

4th of July Ready.

The GREAT U S of A

Selfies out of control!

Lake life!

Lake rats.

Sweet birthday cake surprise! SO YUMMY!

And just like that, found myself in Jersey the Monday after!!! 

Lake Bound

We are headed back to the lake after work today! I am mentally already on the dock, soaking in some rays, with my SPF 110. :) Hope you all enjoy a long 4th of July weekend. And be sure to tell me all about it when you get back!

Bye for Now.

Three Second Rule

So we all know the three second rule. If you drop a food item on the floor and are able to recover it within three seconds, it's good to go. God made dirt and dirt don't hurt, right!? Well, God also made cake, pies, brownies, cookies, chocolate bars and tiramisu and those scrumptious pieces of heaven do hurt...they hurt my ass!!! On Monday night a terrible co-worker brought in homemade brownies. These brownies in particular are like my FAVORITE. I was able to pull from every source of will power in my body to avoid said brownies all day. I left like Superwoman. Especially because this terrible co-worker set up shop in the cubicle in front of me. So every time I left and came back, I had to pass them. So for 8 hours straight, I avoided temptation. THEN at LifeGroup that night, another terrible human being, made her famous chocolate chip cookies. I mean seriously, is the world out to get me!!!! I ate a little extra dinner to try and make myself full as possible, so that even taking one bites of those cookies was impossible. And it worked. The whole two hours I was there, I avoided them at all costs. I was pretty freakin' proud of myself, even high-fived Vance over this small victory. One small step for Stephanie, one GIANT step for fatties everywhere. :)

But then Tuesday came. I was HORRIBLE. I got home and we had leftover bundt cake from my Dad's birthday. I knew I should have just thrown it out! Without hesitating, I took that bad boy out and DEVOURED. I mean gone in an instant. It was impressive, yet disgusting. All that hard work on Monday to be good and avoid temptation, just out the door. I started thinking this morning what the difference between Monday and yesterday was. Why was I able to fight the good fight on Monday, but completely give in on Tuesday?

I've come to the conclusion I need to insert a three second rule into my life. Before I dive in mouth first into whatever mouthwatering dessert I'm looking to devour, I need to take three seconds to ask myself, is this worth it, am I going to feel guilty after I eat this, do I REALLY need to have this. At least then I give myself some time to walk away. I think if I block out all the logical thoughts, I just go for it and the minute I remove the spoon or fork from the last bite I am in the bad place, just like that. So that's the new game plan. It's not that I think this new rule will keep me from EVER divulging, but at least there will be some conscious thought behind now. Or at least, here's to hoping!

How do you try to beat the inner cookie monster?

Bye for now.

The Up's and The Ever So Quick Down's

The down's have been fewer and farther between. That is a good feeling. But Sunday I came to the conclusion that I am still looking to fill this void I have with something, anything, that I can set my mind to. Not healthy. I think I have talked about this before, so bear with me as I play a little bit of a broken record.

 The moment I got the positive pregnancy news, I instantly knew two things. 1.) The back and forth discussion about whether to sell our house and down size or to stay was immediately squashed! I knew that we were exactly where we needed to be house wise. 2.) We needed to buckle down and pay down some debt, like FAST! We had daycare coming full speed ahead and I felt buried under credit card and student loan balances. Fast forward to the present, no longer under a 9 month timeline, I have this overwhelming desire to get rid of the debt. I think the thought process behind it is, we need to get rid of the debt as fast as possible, so when we do find ourselves in the positive pregnancy test situation, I don't have this feeling of sudden panic syndrome. I know there will be plenty of other pieces to sweat over, if I can remove the financial aspect from it, for the most part, that will make life easier.

So Sunday on the drive home from the lake, I presented my brilliant idea of leasing out our home to renters for a year. We would move into a one bedroom apartment, and apply the extra $$$$ towards paying down our debt. Ingenious, right!? The scary thing is I think I could have actually convinced Vance to do it. The man will literally do anything to make me happy. But how selfish can I be!? I know the hurt and sadness wont last forever, but right now, when life slows down, my mind goes into overhaul trying to figure out things to do, until I am distracted with the next item on the agenda. It's a little exhausting and I'm sure poor Vance is at the end of his rope. You know it took so long to get to this place of peace before this last transfer. And I just don't know if I have the strength to get back there again after something like this. It feels overwhelming and unreachable at the moment. Needless to say, I have been in a constant state of prayer. Asking God to heal my heart and make me strong again. He is the only person who can make me whole, fulfill my heart and I desperately need that right now. 

I don't want to leave you guys with such a sad tone. Everyday is getting better and the more I allow myself to work through it, the easier it is to cope. I'm trying to talk about it more, as annoying as it is, to friends and family. At the very least I am getting the thoughts and words out of my head for a fleeting moment and that can't be anything but good, right????

So we aren't being somber sallys, here's a little look into our weekend at the lake for Dad's birthday!

The Power Plant, new restaurant in Seguin with an AWESOME view.

Mom and the birthday boy, lakeside. :)

Night fishing was unsuccessful, but still so fun.

Maggie found the lake to be oh so relaxing.

Gator VERY excited to be going home.

We had a great weekend at the lake and will more than likely be back for the 4th! It's become our home away from home, if you hadn't already noticed. What are your plans for the 4th?

Bye for now.