I don't know about you, but when I set a goal for myself, I tend to need parameters. An easy example is setting the goal to lose weight. Instead of completely cutting sugar out of my diet, I try to limit myself to one sweet item per day. Or something like only weighing myself once a week, instead of daily. These parameters are in place to help me succeed, because I know that if I cut sugar out of my diet completely, I will fail. I know that if I weigh myself daily, I get easy frustrated, so I remove the ability to get frustrated from the equation, yet still keep the weighing in in the process. Used correctly, it is a great motivator. Do you see where I am going?
The goal in life right now, is to be at peace with our baby making journey. I want to rest in the fact that God's plan for us is better. It is extremely hard to do that. At the moment, I think having a family now is what's best for us. But clearly that's not the case, as we are not there yet. So I am attempting to transition (again) to a place of fulfillment with where we are in life today, with what we have in life today. I am also attempting (again) to replace my overwhelming desire for a family with an overwhelming love for God. I want to want Him more than I want a family. And that can be difficult.
In order to help myself on this journey, I've decided to drop a few instagram accounts off my feed. (disclosure: I am an instagramer and not on facebook) One day while creepin', I found a TON of instagram accounts related to infertility. All these women posting about their journeys, their stories, their coping mechanisms, etc. At the time I found it comforting. I think we've talked about it before, misery loves company. It just felt good to not be alone. But over the last few weeks a few of them have received positive pregnancy tests. They seemed to have shared this news in real time with everyone, including their instagram followers. I was SHOCKED! What if, like me, something happens and they lose it? How devastating to have to share that news with the masses. At least it would be for me. And if they are anything like me, I don't handle condolences well. I don't like people feeling sorry for me, it makes me very uncomfortable. So much so, that I just avoid people. One of the girls posted, very soon after her positive pregnancy test news, what she did to get her positive. With each fact she shared, I started to become more and more angry. Before I was half way down the list, tears were streaming down my face. I mean one of her suggestions was eating McDonald's french fries after the transfer, because she heard it helped. WTF! After some much needed soul searching I decided that my need to let go and let God was bigger than my need to see what is going on in other strangers infertility worlds. Even if for a fleeting moment, it brought me some comfort. Comfort is temporary. What I am after is that long term commitment.
There are a few bloggers out there that I follow and that I feel like I connected with on some aspect of their story. And I intend to continue to follow along on their journey, but I don't think I am quite ready for immersing myself into the infertility community. But who knows where this journey will take me. For now I am confident in the parameters I have set up.
Bye for now.
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