It's amazing the number of emotions and feelings and processes the body can go through in a matter of days. After my HSG procedure on Monday I was in a rotten place. I use the word rotten because the term bad mood doesn't do it justice. My bad mood had some stank on it and I pretty much stayed in that mood for the duration of the day. We had LifeGroup that evening. The specific study we are working on asked us to share our testimony. I got pretty emotional when reading my aloud. My testimony, my story revolves around control issues. You can imagine the severe connection. We asked our LifeGroup to pray for us for peace and for guidance with the decisions that we have coming our way and for me to find a way to let go of the anger and the hurt. Even after all that, I didn't necessarily feel better.
Tuesday I met with the Pastor of our church. This feeling of being angry at God just wasn't sitting well with me our my soul. I don't want to be angry with him, but I am having a hard time working my way out of that. I was really nervous going to see him, but in the long run it did nothing but help. I would even go as far as to say I felt instantly better. We talked about my control issues and that it's okay to grieve. He told me it is perfectly normal to have all these competing emotions happening at once. We're human. He gave me some great insight into listening for God. And how all things, all the hurt, the pain, the waiting are for good through God's works. And that his path is all for his glory. Sometimes you just need someone to slow you down and remind you of these things. It is so easy to get tangled up in the bad. I left there with multiple things to talk about, but like I said, I just left a little lighter, like I was able to put down a piece of the burden I have been carrying around for the past month or so.
This morning I had my cycle review appointment with my Dr. Funny enough, the appointment went just as I expected. He had no real answers to any of the questions I had, but for whatever reason I just needed to hear it from the horses mouth. He thinks taking the rest of the year off is a fine decision. In fact, he said once we are ready, we will keep doing exactly what we have been doing as far as meds and doses, because in essence it is working, ie the positive pregnancy test. We just haven't transferred the right embryo yet. YET. The only other thing he could suggest, that could help us out, would to work at getting to a more ideal body weight. The last time he suggested this I lost it. I was embarrassed and hurt and completely broke down in front of him. But this time, it just felt like a part of the game plan. Do I dare say do-able? I made it through the whole appointment without a tear! Seems childish, but that was a huge accomplishment. So come January, or whenever we decide the time is right, we will pick things back up right where we're leaving them. I am not even sad about this time off, I am hoping that's because it's exactly what we need right now. So bear with me while this little blog takes a detour to getting healthy. I do hope you stick around and share your journeys and stories.
I know this overnight change can come and go and thank you for being such great listeners.
Bye for now.
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