Saying Goodbye

I've been struggling with accepting the fact that I am morning a loss. It seems silly, honestly, to be so upset over something I never really had to begin with. But it feels like the sadness comes mostly from such disappointment. That for a split second, all the waiting and the negatives were worth it, for that one positive. And then just like that, it was gone. I also feel pretty foolish to have let myself get so invested into something that I should have known wasn't a sure thing. My visit with my counselor last week was a hard one. I think I said the phrase, "I am so angry," about a dozen times. And that is just how I feel. I am angry and mad and unhappy and hurt and feel so jipped. A bigger part of this, is I feel mad at God. Which is not a good feeling to have. I'm not questioning Him or my faith by any means, but I'm just mad. And I don't understand what all of that was even for. And I'm mad at the thought of having to get back to that place of peace, when it feels so pointless that I had to leave at all in the first place.

Home still makes me incredibly sad. I was out of town this past weekend, for another Beyonce concert. I'll save that for a happier post. I had such a great weekend. I laughed, a lot and overall just felt really good. But it was like the minute I pulled into our driveway it was back to reality. And reality these days is just not good. I keep trying to remind myself that this can't be easy for Vance, for me to feel like this. I think maybe that will help pull me out of the funk, but really it just only makes it worse, cause then I start just feeling like a failure. It has been a really tough month. And it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My counselor suggested I may be holding on to these feelings because I haven't really given myself the closure I need. She suggested doing some sort of gesture, writing a letter, burying something symbolic, releasing a balloon, something to help me acknowledge this as a loss. To process those feelings and then to help start letting go. As soon as she suggested it, I was balling. I guess it struck a cord. This morning I had my HSG, this flushes the fallopian tubes to ensure nothing was left behind. :( On Wednesday I meet with my Dr for a cycle review. I think once all the visits pertaining to this cycle are done, I will be able to process my final goodbye.

Sorry to be such a debbie downer today, but no one ever said infertility was easy.

Bye for now.