The Aftermath

I would hate to admit that negative pregnancy tests are becoming somewhat routine, but I fear this is the truth. The devastation of the negative was no less severe, but this time the sting didn't last as long. It was more of a slow burn after the initial jab to the heart. I know what I did wrong, I got ahead of myself, like way ahead of myself. Because this time I hadn't started my period yet, I started to get pretty freakin' hopeful that the bloated-ness and mild cramping were pregnancy symptoms and not period symptoms. I started looking up one syllable girl names. I started thinking about how I was going to tell Vance that it was positive. I started thinking about when that would make my due date. I started doing everything I told myself I wouldn't do.

I could tell immediately that the test was negative by the "Hi, Stephanie, it's Ashley from Texas Fertility." Didn't even have to listen to the whole thing, the "Hi," said it all. I got the call at work, hung up the phone and walked outside to call Vance. Before the phone even started to ring, I was sobbing. We had the same conversation we have with every negative test and then did our best to continue about our day. I ugly cried the entire car drive home and by the time I was home it was mostly out of my system other than a few misty eye situations at dinner.

So the next step is on us. We decide if we want to go immediately into the next cycle or take some time off. As of this afternoon, we have decided to take some time off, but for a purpose. I'm not sure how much I've gotten into this on here, but I have decided to be tested to Gluten sensitivity. I will spare you all the not fun symptoms I am experiencing that have led me to be bested and just saw that I have read enough articles that link Gluten and Infertility that I think it's time to invest some serious effort into changing my eat habits. Today I had my blood work done and will be receiving the results in 3 weeks. Until then, I am to start removing the Gluten out of my life. I think this is nothing but a positive change. I've talked on here before about being Obese and Pregnant and how I would love to change that, so here's my chance.

I was always under the impression, if I were to take some time off from the Acker making to work on my weight, it would be something like a year or more. My heart couldn't really bare that sort of wait. But after talking to the Dr this morning, she said I would be surprised at what kind of progress I can make in a few short months. So that's exactly what we're going to do. We are going to take a few months to better ourselves and make a few positive changes and then give it another go.

Thanks for listening and hoping and praying. I'd love to hear from those of you who are reading, so send me an email or leave a comment. I will keep you posted on how the Gluten mission is going.

Until next time...

Negative

That's all I can muster for now.

The Waiting Is Horrible

Apparently we will have to endure the dreaded 6 hour wait. I left the lab at 7:30 am and it is now 1:00 pm and still no call back. And yes, I did email my nurse this morning to confirm they would be calling me and not the other way around.

So, I am here...nervous and waiting...

Test Day So Soon!!!!????

We had our second transfer on the 11th! This one was so easy, it was ridiculous. We had three frozen embryos left from our last retrieval and decided to just transfer one. Our thought process was to maximize the number of frozen transfers. One, the process is way less painless and shorter and two WAY less expensive. Plus, one embryo at a time will keep the multiple chances down. I'm not really sure if that's true or not, but that's what we're going with!

We had to do some rearranging of the schedule due to a 30th birthday celebration, more on that another time and due to our Dr's availability. I honestly couldn't figure out when test day was. I emailed my nurse for confirmation and sure enough we go in tomorrow. FRIGHTENING!

I have not started yet. If you remember I started on a Friday and test day was Sunday. I have been feeling very bloated and heavy. Mild cramping is kind of coming an going, but absolutely no spotting. Today, I was so hungry at lunch that I was nauseous. But if I'm being honest with myself , that happens all the time, hahah. I am literally hovering between being super excited and hopeful and preparing myself for the negative results. The last time we tested was on a Sunday. So the only open lab was in the hospital downtown. If you follow the blog, you remember that horrid story. If you don't follow, you can re-read the disaster here. Testing was done at 8:00 am (was supposed to be there by 7:30 am, whoops!) and we didn't get the results until 1:45 pm. So now I am wondering if we will have to do that dreaded 6 hour wait again, or if since it's during working hours, we will have results sooner???? Am I rambling...I feel like I am rambling...Have I mentioned I'm nervous?

Last night I spent the evening thinking of ways I was going to tell Vance if it was positive. Vance KNOWS test day is tomorrow, but given our current situation of moving into our new house, we have been pretty preoccupied and I wouldn't blame him if he had forgotten. Hell, up until two days ago, I ALMOST FORGOT! So I was thinking how cool would it be if he DID forget and I got positive results back and called me for a random lunch date and was able to tell me in person and surprise him!!!!!! And then I quickly yanked myself back down to reality. STOP PUTTING THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE, STEPHANIE! If this process has taught me anything, you would think it was to NOT GET AHEAD OF MYSELF. And yet hear I am, getting ahead. So, I am putting all ideas of how this whole thing will play out until we have something to play out.

Please wish us luck and if prayer is something you do and believe in, please send them our way. I am taking any and every offer of positivity and love and support we can get. This round has been hard because we opted to tell no one. We each got one person to confide in, should we need to vent to someone other than each other, but it kind of feels like because of that, we don't have everyone rooting in our corner like last time.

I will do my best to report back tomorrow. Last time I couldn't bare to put the bad news in permanent blog world yet. I was still trying to process the disappointment myself. Again, I will do my best. Thanks again for listening and hoping and praying for us. If it's not tomorrow, it WILL be another day. I know it.

:)

We're BACK Baby!

It has almost been exactly two months since my last post. I just finished re-reading it to see where we left off. That was a sad post. I guess in reality, a lot of these posts are sad. The whole concept of infertility is sad. But infertility is like riding the waves and today we are riding high. Let me bring you up to speed on how we used are non baby making down time over the lat two months!

Our vacation to the Cayman Islands was unbelievable! The rest and relaxation is just what the doctor ordered. The highlight for me was swimming with the stingrays! They were so cute, just like kitties. They swim up and brush up against your legs and body. And they love to be fed! So fun! Other than that, my spa visit with my mother in law was amazing and just having no agenda for 3 days straight was perfection! Here are a few of my favorite shots.

Our view front our condo!

Swimming with Stingrays! So cool!!!!

Cheers to paradise!

Pier view!

The Ackers!

In the middle of our vacation, we decided to finish the last room in our house, the master bathroom. It was nice going without any construction in the house for a while, but if we didn't move quickly, we would probably never do it! In the middle of this "little" renovation, we found a house we liked. We like to stalk the Austin home market, it's one of our hobbies. The home was gorgeous and exactly what we were looking for. We held back every desire to go see it for as long as we could, about two weeks and then we caved. We called up our real estate agent, took a look around and fell in love. Then we did something crazy, we put in an offer before a.) our bathroom was complete and b.) before our house was even on the market! CRAZY KIDS, I know. They didn't even really respond to our first offer. We were heart broken, but as I mentioned before, we had time. The house had been on the market for over 50 days and we weren't quite ready to move forward either. Another couple weeks went by and while stalking again I noticed they had lowered their asking price. So again, we submitted another offer and this time they accepted! We had 3 days to get the bathroom done and get our current house listed! This one experience was a whirl wind, but it was probably the best decision we ever made. We listed our house on a Friday afternoon about 3:30 pm. We accepted an offer, over asking on Sunday morning about 11:00 am. Isn't that INSANE?! Less than 48 hours! So now we are packing and waiting for our close date.

Update: SOLD!

                                          

Your Uterus vs The Labs Uterus

Yesterday we had our cycle review appointment. I don't know if I was expecting to feel better or worse afterwards, but we left feeling very, "well that's that,". Honestly, it was an appointment we could have done without because we didn't really get any ACTUAL information. I think we were  both hoping for a, "This is why you guys didn't get pregnant," and that simply never came. But then again, we should have known better with unexplained infertility. We haven't had any answers as to why in the last year and 8 months, why start now!!!

Doc said everything went accordingly and if he had to give an explanation it would be they picked the wrong blastocytes to transfer. We had a Day 3 transfer and on Day 3, the two blastocytes they choose were the best on that day. The other blastocytes that didn't get transfered were allowed to continue the growing process, so all said and done, the 3 frozen blastocytes we have are the most viable out of our last cycle. He says the reason they don't just wait and do a Day 5 transfer for everyone to be able to better tell which blastocytes are best is that,  that would be admitting the labs uterus is better than mine and that's just absurd! And although I do understand the reasoning, my uterus, the labs uterus, hell even the chiuaua's uterus next door...at this point, I might not even care!!! Bottom line, everything else looked good and we are hoping that out of the 3 frozen blastocytes we have, one we be our little Acker next time. Which leads us to our next topic, the next cycle.

So the bad news about not getting pregnant on the first IVF is that, we didn't get pregnant on the first IVF. The good news, because there has to be a silver lining in all of this SOMEHOW, is that we took care of the hard part last cycle. This time we can skip at the stimming and after a few weeks of Estrogen and progesterone we will be able to go straight to a transfer. So, that makes like a little easier for everyone. So for now, we wait for my next start date and hopefully will be doing our next transfer towards the end of May!

This timing gives us enough time to mentally prepare ourselves again and to actually ENJOY our vacation next month. I also have to do a little traveling for work next month, so we can get all that behind us and be back and ready to try!!!! We also have decided to limit the number of people we are going to share this cycle with. Getting the negative test result is hard enough, but then having to let EVERYONE else know as well is just heart breaking. And even worse, you have to listen to all of their, "it will happen," "this just wan't the right time," stay positive". I know it all comes from the most sincere place and we appreciate all the prayers, but sometimes, you just can't hear it. It will be easier to keep it between us this time, because there are less appointments involved.

So that is where we stand. I feel like this closing paragraph is on repeat. We wait, we get back to a place where we can be hopeful and positive and have MORE FAITH THAN GOD HAS EVER SEEN! And we just keep at it. :) Thanks for listening!!!

Numbers Game

In more ways than one, the infertility game is also a numbers game. I do my best to stay away from statistics because the ugly truth is the statistics are UGLY! There is no treatment that is 100% guaranteed to get you pregnant. But as hard we we try to avoid the negatives, there is one numbers game we have not been able to avoid, the cost of IVF.

Vance and I are EXTREMELY lucky to have insurance coverage for infertility. (I am covered by a company based out of NJ, in case you were curious) So since we started this journey, all of my ultrasounds, sonograms, triggers, etc have been 100% covered along with my co-pay. All 12 of our IUIs were covered as well. When we started the IVF cycle, I called insurance about 20 times to make sure things were going to be covered and I was assured, 20 times, they were. Fast forward to a week before March 18th. The loop hole we'd been so desperately trying to avoid finally showed its ugly head.

So Dr. Silverberg (We are with Texas Fertility Center, http://www.txfertility.com/) is definitely a in-network Dr. We are totally covered with him and his office. However, the company they use here in Austin for fertility laboratory services (semen analysis, freezing semen and embryos, egg retrieval, ISCI, transfer etc.) is NOT in-network. So what did that mean to us exactly??? That meant that Any service they provided would have to be paid for out of pocket and then we would file for a reimbursement from our insurance company. Doesn't that sound like the most fun EVER!!!

So here's how the cookie crumbled for us. We started shelling out the dough on February 18th for this first cycle of IVF and today, April 19th, I made the final balance payment. All in all this round cost us $7,804.74. And just as a little reminder, that's with nothing to show for it. I know that sounds pretty bitter and it's exactly how I felt a couple days ago seeing where as Sunday I found out the test was negative and Monday I found out I owed an additional $2,785.00 before they could submit our reimbursement paperwork. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Sunday was rough, but my Monday I was starting to feel normal again...until that call! I immediately lost it again. I started thinking HOW IN THE WORLD are we going to be able to shell out about $8K for each try. Giving our IUI track record, if I did the quick math that would equate to ninety six THOUSAND DOLLARS! It was like a sucker punch to the face and I don't even know what that means!!!!! Now please don't misunderstand me. I know how lucky we are to have coverage for the rest and how lucky we are to even be considered for reimbursement, but having to come up with $8K is not an easy feat for us. It makes me sick to my stomach. And although this is priority #1 for us, we still have a life to live and things we want to do. There has to be happy things to look forward to in between all the not happy things. Not sure I have shared this with you guys, but Vance and I (99% Vance, 1% Me) have been renovating our first house since we moved in June of 2011. We have our master bathroom left and the front and back exterior before we are 100% done!!! My husband rocks. :) But it's hard to be able to budget for those projects while budgeting for baby making. It can very easily get discouraging! Again, please don't take as me complaining about ALL the things we have, this is just the thought process we go through as we are living this journey.

So for now, we wait. Our MOST FAVORITE thing to do in the whole wide world! We wait for the reimbursement, we wait for our next appointment (April 22nd), we wait for our next cycle and we wait for our hearts to heal and for our jar of hope and faith to fill back up. We have faith that all these things will happen in time. Again, thanks for lending your ear/eyes.

*One thing I wanted to share with you, just in case someone reading along is from Texas, is Maverick's Miracle Babies. This awesome non-profit was started by a couple who went through infertility treatments themselves and saw a need and a desire to help those who have to follow in their footsteps. They have put together a grant you can apply for, as long as you meet all the eligibility requirements. I think applications are due pretty soon. Here is the link to eligibility requirements and the grant application, http://mavericksmiraclebabies.org/qualifications/.

The Reality Of The Aftermath

Today while watching footage of the explosion in West, I instantly teared up. I teared up for the people who lost their lives, for the people who lost their loved ones, for the injured and for the brave rescuers who risked their lives to save others. I teared up remembering the tragic incident, not but a couple days prior, in Boston and all the people affected there. I teared up because as painful as our journey here has been, I still have my life and my husband and our family and friends. We are all alive and healthy and safe for today. And when you step back and look at the big picture, there is nothing left but to be grateful and thankful to God for what you have. There is no time to question WHY. This has brought me to a place of peace with our test results from lat Sunday. It's not our time yet.

We decided to spend the first back of our weekend at the lake with Vance's family. I took off Friday from work, picked up Vance's grandmother and headed out for some sun and relaxation. His Aunt and Uncle and Mom and Step Dad were all meeting us there as well. We thought the distraction we be nice, instead of sitting at home counting down the minutes to 8:00 am on Sunday. Thursday I noticed some dark discharge. Both Vance and my best friend wanted me to call my nurse to let her know. I didn't really see any reason to though. I didn't really think there was much she could tell me honestly. She couldn't predict what they discharge meant anymore than I could. But by Friday it had gotten heavier and started to turn red-ish. So I emailed my nurse and she let me know that early pregnancy bleeding was completely normal and than I was just relax and hydrate. I did my best to do just that. But each bathroom trip was just making me more and more paranoid, because the color was turning more and more red. By Friday afternoon I was starting to cramp. So I did what any other sane desperate infertility hopeful would do and jumped on google. I was reading all sorts of forum and group posts about infertility. What kinds of symptoms people experienced or didn't and trying to link which symptoms lead to a positive or negative test result. Turned out a lot of now or then pregnant ladies had the dark discharge as well and a lot of them experienced period like cramps. I was able to go to bed a little more at ease that night. Then Saturday came.

I woke up to what I would call a period for all intensive purposes. I was cramping and bloated and my boobs didn't hurt one bit. (Not even when a pinched them!) I was pretty sure I couldn't convince myself any longer, that this could be a pregnancy. My mood started to shift and that anxious feeling of wanting Sunday to here already was out the door. I would be okay if Sunday never came. Since we had to be a the lab so early on Sunday we opted to drive back home Saturday evening. We got home about 6:30 pm. I was so exhausted I didn't unpack or even shower! I set my alarm for what I thought was 6:40 am, tucked myself into bed, yes at 6:30 pm, turned the tv on and just zoned out. I didn't move. Vance cleaned the living room, vacuumed  mopped, gathered the trash, picked up the kitchen. And I just watched as he bounced from room to room picking things up.

Sunday I woke up at 5:37 am. I know this because when I woke up and tried to go back to sleep without success, I finally grabbed my phone to see how much longer I had before I had to get up. So I just laid there.  And laid there for so long, that I did eventually fall back asleep  A sleep so HARD that I slept right through 6:40 am, when my alarm was supposed to go off and didn't wake up until 7:40 am, the time my alarm was ACTUALLY set for. Panic and terror were running through my veins. I yelled, "SHIT!". Through back the covers, pulled on my yoga pants, grabbed my glasses and purse and told Vance I'm leaving. To which he replied in the most concerned and genuinely manner possible, "Don't you want me to go with you?". I snapped back something about not being able to wait for him to get ready, that I have to go all the way downtown and it's already 7:45 and that they were just drawing blood, I wasn't going to find anything out there! I grabbed my cycle chart that had the number to the lab on it, my purse and my keys and was out the door. (This is one of my shining Wife moments by far.)

In the car I could feel the tears swelling in my eyes and my breathing starting to get very shallow. I called my Aunt and she did her best to translate what I was saying through snot and tears. I just let out every thought, every what if and every WHY that had been circling my mind in the last 48 hours. It must have been bad because at one point she asked if I need to pull over so she could come pick me up? To which I replied, "I DON'T HAVE TIME!" (Again with the stellar-ness!) I then realized my exit was close and I needed to call the lab and find out exactly where they were located, so I hung up with my Aunt and dialed the lab.

Of course they are located in one of the biggest hospitals in Austin!!! WHY WOULDN'T THEY BE!!! There are only 5 parking garages to chose from and several building options. This morning was just going seemingly. Once I hung up with the lab, I set my phone down on my passenger side seat to try and gather myself. I thought, it's not enough that I look like a hobo/crack head right now, who didn't even brush her teeth by the way, maybe I shouldn't go in there huffing and puffing like a crazed lunatic as well. But as I set the phone down I realized I forget the FREAKIN' lab slip. I mean seriously. At this point I just started yelling obscenities. What else was there left to do???? I call Vance, who answers the phone asking if I'm okay. I bypass his concern, yet again, and tell him he needs to scan my lab slip and email it over to me. He took the orders like I just gave him missile launch codes and hung up very quickly. I pulled into the parking garage, ran across the street to enter the hospital and frantically started looking for the directory. The lab was on the first floor, quite possibly the ONLY good news of the day, and I made my way there.

I walked in, no one else there THANK GOD, and practically threw myself on the counter. The poor lady behind the counter had no idea what was coming when she asked if she could help me. Through tear soaked eyes I explained to her the series of events that occurred that morning. I over slept, it was past  8:00 am, I forgot my slip and I hadn't brushed my teeth...Was I too late? She wasn't able to use Vance's email, but was able to call my nurse for a new lab slip. 15 minutes later blood was drawn and i was on my way back home. That was quite possible the most intense 40 minutes of my life.

I walked in the door and went straight to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I looked in the mirror and decided the only other thing I was going to do to get ready for the day was lent roll my yoga pants. I didn't have the energy for anything else. I wanted to look how I felt, how dramatic!!! We decided to go grab a bite to eat and then were going to the movies. We went to see The Croods. It was exactly what I needed. But wasn't quite long enough. We had to wait until 1:30 pm to call for results and we got out at about 12:30 pm. We made an impromptu trip to Academy and then decided to head back home and take the pups to the park. We got done about 1:45 pm. I walked straight in, grabbed my phone and paged my nurse. Not 3 minutes later my phone rang and she was so sorry she wasn't calling with better news...

I finished the rest of our conversation with a lump the size of Africa in my throat. I thanked her, hung up the phone, sat on the edge of my bed and buried my face in my hands. Vance walked into the room and knelt down in front of me. He talked, I listed and nodded along in agreement while I cried.  I slowly backed myself into the bed and pulled the covers up over my nose and just laid there with my thoughts and my broken heart.

Hour later we made dinner and did our best to fall back into our normal evening routine. And that's just how these things go. You spend two weeks oozing positivity and telling yourself this time fells different, feels good. And then you spend the next two weeks just KNOWING it's going to be positive, because it just HAS to be. And then in a matter of a 30 second phone call, it's all gone. Poof, just like that. And you wonder will I EVER have the strength, the faith, the will power to do that all over again?

If I had to give you that answer on Sunday, it would have been no. Today the answer is yes. Our love is stronger than this. Our faith in God is stronger than this. Our patience is stronger that this. WE are stronger than this. And I want to tell our son and/or daughter that I NEVER once gave up the dream of being their Mommy...NOT ONCE.

Thank you for giving me the time to make it to this place. And thank you for letting me share this with you. My hope is that our story will touch just one other couple who is going through the same thing and make them feel like their not alone.

* Today I share my story in honor of the Bostonians and the people of West. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your families, friends and rescuers.

If not now, then when...

Today won't be a very long post, I haven't gathered myself enough to put into words how I feel right now. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but it's the truth. We had confirmation yesterday to our suspicions that we are not pregnant this time around. Our hearts are heavy, but we're still standing and trying desperately to still be hopeful. This has been a true test of my faith and I am doing all I can to make sure I pass.

I will be back soon to share more. For now, we are looking forward to our upcoming vacation and will be back tot he DR's on the 22nd to review this last cycle and start talking about the next one.

Hope you all have a good week!

Transfer Day!!!

I did so much praying yesterday, last night and this morning and prayers were answered! We will be transferring 2 eggs today at 1:15 pm. :) I am just so relieved that Vance will be here for it. Just makes things so much better!

Anyway, we are SUPER excited and anxious and happy! Be in touch soon and WISH US LUCK and feel free to send us prayers!

So Far...SUCCESS!

Welcome back from the weekend!!!! Mine was amazing, I hope yours was too. :) Enough of the stalling, I know why you are all here.

I survived the rest of  Thursday and Friday, but just barely. On Friday, we had 22 eggs! One was measuring 22, we had a few other 20's and then they were all over from 15's to 19's. I triggered Friday night at 8:45 pm and then sat and waited. I did my best to keep busy on Saturday. Had a hair appointment in the morning and then went to my best friend's son's first Easter Egg hunt. (He was adorable) I did everything I could to avoid my mid-day nap, which I love so much, that way I would be good and tired for the night. I knew I would be excited and a little anxious about the morning.

We were asked to arrive at 7:45 am, WAY to early for a Sunday. Sadly, we missed all the Easter festivities, but I think it was worth it. Before 8:00 am, they had me dressed and ready for my retrieval. I was completely under, it took about 25 minutes and before I knew it, I was back in my room waking up. BEST NAP EVER. :) So they were able to retrieve 20 eggs. Out of the 20, 17 were mature enough for fertilization and out of the 17, 11 fertilized successfully! I don't have ANY past experience to go off, since this was our first round with IVF, but we are very happy with the first part of this procedure. Now, we wait. My MOST favorite thing to do.

Tomorrow I am to check in with my IVF nurse around 8:30 am and they will tell us if we will be a Day 3 (Wednesday, yes that's TOMORROW) or a Day 5 (Friday) transfer. For selfish reasons, we are hoping for a transfer tomorrow because Friday Vance will be in Vegas. :( Not a BIG DEAL, but we would both like for him to be there. So fingers crossed on that one. However, that being said, if a Friday transfer is what our little eggs need, then a Friday transfer is what our little eggs get!!!!

The bloating and heaviness has started to go away, thank GOD! I have to admit, that was pretty brutal. All injections have ceased. Today I started my hatching medications, which just sounds cool. I am hoping those are nice to me as well! Right now I am just excited and so VERY hopeful, which makes me a little worries. Hahah. But I am just going to roll with it, it's all I can do! Vance is is excited too, but now all we can think about are multiples!!!!! That happen to ANYONE else?

I will be in touch tomorrow and thanks for following us on this journey!!!! Hope you all had a Happy Easter.

Peter Cottontail Strikes Again!

I am so bloated, tired, emotional and feel like I am carrying a sack of rocks around in my ovaries! I am also in bed, at 9pm, writing this post, one handed on my iPhone. That's exhaustion at its best. All that being said, I couldn't be happier to share with you we are officially scheduled for our egg retrieval in Easter Sunday!!!

I go back in tomorrow morning, more blood and another looksee inside. My legs are all beat up from the Lupron and Gonal F injections and my arms look like I shoot up some pretty severe narcotics from all the blood work! Score!

I know nothing of what to expect for Sunday, again, I am rolling with thus no questions asked campaign. So far, its been working for me. At the very least, I do know all Easter egg hunting will have to be postponed. But I think this little Acker is well worth it. :)

Good night all!

Egg Hunt

Let me bring you up to speed.

Monday: Went in for another blood draw and a good old fashion egg hunt! Level are good, per my nurse. And we have a total of 13 eggs. 6 on the right ovary and 7 on the left. The two largest measuring 14's and the smallest a little baby 6. We were instructed to keep on keeping on. We are looking for that magic number 20, so my little huevos rancheros need a few more days to grow. I would be coming back in on Thursday for another check in.

Wednesday: Today I receive a phone call from the hospital coordinator who would like to collect payment for the hospital portion and the actual egg retrieval. This is BRAND new information to me. One, I don't even have the retrieval booked yet. (She did mention that was normal and that when she calls it usually means we are VERY close) Two, we have already forked over a LARGE lump sum of money and were told the rest of the services were going to be covered by insurance. After a few more seconds of shear panic and terror and wondering what corner I could turn tricks the quickest on she informed me they had me associated with the wrong insurance company. MUSIC TO MY EARS, I think. They would need to do some verifying and would be getting back to me a little later. (STILL WAITING) In between all of this, I emailed my nurse to tell her that I've been experiencing major cramps today. I am currently taking something to postpone ovulation, but today I have MAJOR ovulation symptoms. And it was starting to worry me. She replied back to me that these symptoms are all very normal and no need to worry. PLUS, I will be in tomorrow.

Although I am not positive what the next couple of days will bring, I am very hopeful that we will be having our very own unique egg hunt here soon! On a personal note, I am in sales and Friday is our end of year, so I am really hoping Friday is the day to escape all that madness. Plus, I have a hair appointment on Saturday and would HATE to miss that!!! Is that terrible to say out loud??? :)

Regardless, the Acker house hold is starting to get a little excited/anxious and we are hoping for good news tomorrow. As usual, I will keep you posted!!! Here's to Mr.Peter Cottontail!!!

Phobias

I have this phobia of needles. Ever since I was little, any time I knew a shot was coming, the water works would start a pouring! The anticipation was always way worse than the actual shot itself, but to this day, I still HATE them. Even when I just have to get my blood drawn, I dread it. I do everything I can to remember I'm a BIG GIRL now and I can handle it.

So naturally, during this whole trying to make a baby process, I have been dreading the IVF step, because of all the injections I've heard about. Well the first week of injections has been pretty simple honestly. There is still that 5 seconds a pure fear before I jab the needle into my leg, but at least the sucker goes in. Yesterday, I started my 2nd injection in the evening. This one I've done before, but it has been about 2 months, so I did what I did last time and watched an instructional video via youtube about a million times, had my mini freak out session and shoved that shit in there. Again, not as bad as I was thinking, but it still makes a owwie.

I go back in on Friday for blood work and a check-in. Things seems to be progressing quickly now, after about a 2 month stand still. I've been avoiding The Bump, cause honestly going in blind has been a little better on the nerves than doing the overly researched thing. I just don't want to put any ideas into my head that I could possibly cling to.

All and all, the phobia is still there, but much I'm handling it much better. Or at least I think I am. My thighs look like my husband secretly beats me where no one can see. :) Thank God I don't plan on wearing any Daisy Dukes any time soon!!!!!

Update you guys on Friday!

Cysts Be Gone

The cysts are gone! We started meds on February 9th. Well, one med so far, Lupron, which is supposed to hold off ovulation. The injection have to be done in the morning, at the same time everyday, so I am having to administer the injection to myself. It was a little scary, but I just did it. I tried not to make it too much of a big deal and tried not to cry this time.  So far so good. We go back on Monday for our first baseline. I'm excited, that's it. If the baseline is good, we start the Gonal F, which is what we did in our last IUI. So it's good to be familiar with SOMETHING while in a brand new environment. If everything stays on track, were expecting the egg retrieval to be around the 30th.

Stay tuned folks!

THINK POSITIVE

It's been about 3 1/2 months since last I posted. I wish I could tell you I've been absent for some awesome reason, but I think I just needed a break from continuously feeding this blog with false hope and disappointment. OUCH, those are pretty painful words. My friend Stephanie has this energizing way with words. She effortlessly uses BIG and perfectly paired words that come to life as you read them aloud off the screen or page that you read them from. I wish I could use her brain and her words to articulate in a more amusing way how these journey really feels, but I am simply not as talented as her. I'm the more less talented Stephanie, so this journey fucking sucks.

I will spare you the entire devastating 3 month recap and just cut to the chase of where we are today. February 6th we decided to leave our OB and see a fertility specialist. Our February 7th visit with the feritilty specialist showed two cysts which had formed due to the last injectable cycle. This would mean we'd have to skip a cycle before proceeding with the next step, which would be IVF. It's VERY weird to be here. And even weird-er to think I knew we'd eventually be here. But my faith in our new DR has been some what renewed. I am trying to make peace with the last year and and half of our journey and accept that we are here and can't do anything about. Only God knows why and when and I have to be okay with it. A work in progress to say the least. It's not that I don't trust God, it's just that I am impatient. I have been dreaming on our little Georgia a lot lately, so I know she's coming. I just have to trust that she will come when he says we're ready.

Here's the skinny. February 9th was the first day of my last menstrual cycle. (Sometimes it's still a little shocking how close we are here) I started birth control pills, which will help get rid of the cysts and will take those through March 13th. We go in this Friday to see if the cysts are gone. If we get the green light, we will start the IVF meds on March 9th. I may be trying to psych myself out here a little bit, but I'm not so terrified of the meds. I have decided to NOT read anything about anyone else's experience, I don't need to get any ideas in my head. I am becoming familiar with the idea of being a human pin cushion and just trusting that Vance will be my knight in stabbing honor! :) I have the schedule of meds, but will spare you that nonsense. And will let you know what we hear on Friday.

We are hoping and praying for a one and done. And that's all I will say about that. I am sorry to have just abandoned you the last couple of months, but I am back. We're making Ackers here people, I can feel it!