One Out Of Three Ain't Bad...But It Ain't Good Either!

I am doing SO great with my breakfast, dinner and snack selections during the day. Like REALLY good. Boxing and c25k have been going great as well. BUT, I seem to lose grips when it comes to dinner! For instance, here is how yesterday went down...

Breakfast

• Spark pink lemonade Drink 45 calories
• Belvita blueberry breakfast bar 230 calories

Lunch

• MyFit Food ground lemon turkey small lunch 290 calories
• Pretzels 110 calories
• Laughing Cow swiss cheese wedge 35 calories
• Chocolate Milk 120 calories

Snack

• Skinny Cow peanut butter crisp bar 110 calories

Dinner

• Advocare mocha meal replacement shake 220 calories

SECOND DINNER

• TWO bean and cheese tacos!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!

So this has pretty much been the trend. One out of every 3 meals of the day I am totally bombing!!!! It is so frustrating to be so close to doing good, but not able to make the final turn. What have you guys done to close the final gap on those last few pieces of the puzzle???

Bye for now.

Adding Insult To Injury

When the nurse called us back with the second confirmation that we has miscarried on the 12th, I of course needed to know what all that entailed. Did we have to come in and see Dr. Silverberg, were we going to have to do a D&C, when was I supposed to start birth control again (since it keeps these cysts away)? Truth be told, there wasn't anything we were supposed to do, other than wait for my period to come AND monitor my HCG level back down to zero. How miserable is that! If it wasn't bad enough having to test weekly to ensure we stayed pregnant, NOW, I had to test weekly to ensure my body purged itself completely of what pregnancy we had. So stupid.

She mailed me a packet similar to the one we received after the positive, except this one was way less exciting to receive. It had like 5 slips in it. SO stupid! I was supposed to go on the 19th and straight up refused. I didn't want to have to be testing for these reasons. And I was DREADING the technician asking me what we were testing for. I didn't got the 20th, the 21st or on the 22nd. On the 23rd, my nurse called to say she hadn't seen any results yet. Well no shit Sherlock, I have tested yet! This isn't her fault, I know that. She kindly reminded me it was in my best interest to go and that major health issues can occur if the HCG level doesn't come all the day down to zero. FINE, I'll go. But I didn't. I didn't go the 23rd and on the 24th I got a friendly email reminder. So yesterday morning I dragged my ass into the lab and did the damn blood work. My nurse called around 3:00 pm to let me know me know the levels were down where they needed to be. Of course they are, my body has always done not pregnant well! I mean I could be a not pregnant scholar at this point. She did inform us that we will need to schedule a HSG once my next Day 1 comes. This is just to ensure nothing was left behind. Isn't that just sad, like that whole statement just makes me miserably sad. We are no strangers to the HSG, this one one of the very first procedures we did back in 2011 and have had it done a handful of times since. They usually do it when they go in for exploratory, just to make sure they cover all the basics. And I KNOW, this will do nothing but help make sure we are ready, for when we are ready to start trying again. But it just ALL sucks.

I did schedule a follow up with Dr. Silverberg. I don't think he will have any brand new information for us, but I just feel like I have a few things to talk out with him. Things like...

1. Does the fact that we got pregnant finally change anything, from a game plan perspective?
2. Is taking 6 months off going to hurt our chances, having just figured out how to get pregnant?
3. Because we found endometriosis and more cysts between my first and last exploratory surgeries, would he recommend another clean out before we start to try again, if we take the full 6 months off?
4. Any known reason why we miscarried?

I'm assuming I already know the answers to the questions above, maybe I just want to hear it out of his mouth. Regardless, I go see him on the 23rd. I think it just might be the closure I need in any good ending. Maybe then I can officially close the book on this hurt and move forward. 

Bye for now.

Not So Much A Blurpee

There are SEVERAL reasons to not like blurpees, but as I learned yesterday evening, the main one for me might me that they are not called blurpees at all. Burpees, come to find out, are just as equally miserable though. Dropping the the "l" did nothing to make they more like-able, more enjoy-able nor do-able. Burpees are a bitch and like any other girl fight, I have to psych myself up to tackle these beasts. Now, to be clear, I don't just have a personal goal to be able to crank out some flawless burpees for no reason. It was brought to my attention a couple months ago that our Tier 2 test at Pink Gloves Boxing will include a 2 minute and 20 second burnout round of burpees. WTF! Now, I sat and watched the last group of Tier 2 girls all accomplish this, so I know it's possible, but dear Lord, how am I EVER going to get to that level!!!????

Right now, I am a modify burpee-ier and they are STILL impossible and terrible as crap. I have roughly 2 months to go from a modifier to a full blown ass-kicker of burpees. It was last night after class that I realized its my middle section and my mind that more than likely holding me up at the moment. First, there is to much jelly in my belly to jumping out and into a push-up position and a squat position so flawlessly. Second, my mind can't even begin to communicate the motion to my body about how to execute this movement. So often, between reps, I just find myself starring in the mirror utterly confused as to how to even begin. Hahahaa. I bet the girls are thinking, Poor Steph, she's having such a hard time focusing still, when in reality poor Steph is just FAT and can't for the life of her figure out how to burpee!

So this has become my motivation to focus a little more energy on eating better. When I lost that 15 lbs, not so long ago, the one place I noticed it was in my belly. It wasn't flat by any means, but it became less predominant. I need more of that less predominant belly to help with the movement. So the goal is to do at least 10 burpees a day, modified or non-modified to get my body comfortable with the movement and to build up my tolerance to this hellacious workout.

What's the workout that gives you the most trouble and how are you working to get better at it?

Bye for now.

Seek Joy

It's inevitable, whatever it is that you set out to look for, you are going to find it, it some way, shape or form. This is also known as tunnel vision. Depending on what is at the end of your tunnel, this can be a good thing OR a bad thing. I've had a pretty good couple of days. This past weekend was awesome, but this past weekend was also filled with fun, distracting things. Monday rolled around and started off good, happy, stable. But by the afternoon I found my mood slowly slipping into a place of sadness. Not like an ugly cry in the shower sadness, but like a wet blanket sadness. My thoughts just come rushing at me and I find it hard to slow down the momentum and ultimately find it hard to refocus somewhere else.

The last part of yesterday was not happy. I just kept wondering what was the point of all this. I was so at peace with this lat cycle. I was ready to receive the negative, focus the next 6 months of getting healthy and continue to living in the joy that is our life today...as is. That unexpected positive just pulled the rug out from underneath me and I am finding it hard to put my feet back in place on my foundation of God and the work He is doing in our life right now. I know this moment is fleeting and I know I CAN get back to where I was, but it's trying to remember to seek joy again that is currently the struggle for yesterday and today.

But here's the good news, if I can remember that joy is what I am seeking, then inevitably, joy is what I'll find. It's days like today that I have to create a mental list of all the good God has done in my life. Today I am thankful for God's love, Vance, puppies, our beautiful home, my job, my amazing support team I have in my family and friends, my health, my newly pink wall in my closet and the package of Skinny Cow Dream Clusters that is awaiting to be devoured at lunch today. These pieces of my life are not trivial and they weren't east to come by. At one point in life, I was struggling and praying for these things too and look how that turned out. So today I am focusing on refocusing my tunnel vision and placing joy at the end of lens. It may not be an overnight journey, but I will find it and place it in the center of my heart again.

Thought I would share some of my joys with you...

This amazing dude!

Our babies and their cousin Lola (the beagle)

Mom, Dad and my Shoetwin!

My crew, besties and shoetwin!

My In-laws! Such a good looking bunch. :)

Where do you find your joy?

Bye for now.

Back In The Saddle

Just realized I never posted this one...

Last night (As in LAST TUESDAY) was my first class back at boxing. Oh how I've missed those girls! The location where class is held is a little unconventional (there are plans in the works for a location change!) and there is no central cooling system in the main gym area. In some parts that might not necessarily be an issue, but here in Texas in hotter n hell and that could easily be cause for death! Sweat beads are just streaming down my hairline, neckline, eyebrow line and that's just after our 10 minute warm up!!!! Last night I found myself thinking, this is what hot yoga must feel like. As brutal as it was, I made it through and after being gone for more than 2 weeks I wasn't sure if that was possible. It felt good to sweat it all out and punch the crap out of the bags and my trainer! And I finally got my pink wraps, so it feels like I am officially in Tier 2 now!!!!

Repin' my new pink wraps! And hey, follow me on Instagram @stephlacker

In other news, we FINALLY got the curtains hung up in our master bedroom, as in finally THIS morning. These beautiful bad boys have been sitting pretty on our dresser, just waiting to be opened and hung. Aren't they pretty! Both panels and rods are from West Elm. We haven't done much to the house as of late, so it's nice to have something new and pretty up to admire. Any projects you guys are working on in your house?????

So that's what our world is looking like this (LAST) week. Staying busy and pressing on!

Bye for now.

Weekend Warriors

We had such a fun weekend. I was finally able to make it through a full day at work (well most a full day) on Friday. In my industry I have the luxury of being able to work wherever there is wifi, so I've been hiding out at home. There's no one there to ask questions or to have to put on a brave face for, so it's just safer. I tried going in on Monday and one of the new guys and I were talking about lunch. He suggested sushi and I said I hadn't been in much of a sushi mood and he suggested maybe it was because I was pregnant. Now he has NO earthly idea what is going on withe me, but the joke still hurt. Needless to say I left soon there after and finished the rest of the day and week for that matter (with the exception of Friday) from home. Funny enough, the same guy made a comment to me on Friday about morning sickness, I guess it is inevitable. But by Friday, it was a little easier to let it roll off my shoulder, on the inside. That is refreshing to know things are going back to normal. And I've been laughing more, which is so nice. I hate being serious.

Hiding out a home, where no one can make my face do this...

So Friday after I finished work from the house, I dragged Vance out to the Domain. He had head of an event going on, on Saturday that we needed to purchase wristbands for. The event was Taste of Austin. Basically a bunch of local restaurants were coming out and setting up taste testing booths, so you could try out their fare. Wristbands were $20 and that got you 10 tastings. Sounded like something right up our alley! So we decided to make a night of it. Upon arrival I stopped in Forever 21 and H&M, I'm on the hunt for some new summer sandals, then we bought said wristbands and stopped in for dinner at Kona Grill. So yummy! Then we walked down to Copper, which coincidentally serves Austin Cake Balls and had a heavenly nightcap with a side of delicious balls! My favorite is the Vanilla Bean oddly enough, being such a chocolate person, I'm shocked! Vance's favorite is the Birthday Cake. We ended the night at the movies, seeing 22 Jump Street. It was hilarious, I would almost say funnier than the first, I highly recommend it. What a fun Friday, right!?

Kona Grill, yum!

Austin Cake Balls!! Even more yum!

If you are looking for a pick me up...I highly recommend it! Plus, there's Channing, need I say more?

Saturday we headed back to The Domain for the Taste of Austin event. I was HOT and sweaty, but the food was delicious. Some of our regular spots, The League and Tony C's were there, so it was fun to try some of their new stuff. And Nothing Bundt Cakes was there handing out whole mini bundt cakes!!! The Chocolate Chocolate Chip is my favorite! After about two hours of eating, sweating and eating some more, we popped into Cru Wine Bar and we finished off our Saturday soiree with a flight of bubbles, so light and refreshing!!!

'Bout to get our grub on!

Food for days...

Cru Wine Bar. I am a sucker for bubbles!

As we wrapped up our weekend at the Domain, we headed back home to spend the rest of Saturday at home. My new read finally arrived in the mail! I am loving me some Mindy. She was hilarious on The Office and I'm addicted to her new show, The Mindy Project. The woman has me constantly rolling. So I am looking forward to reading her book. Anyone already read it?

In addition to the relaxing I ventured out to Home Depot to gather supplies for my next little DIY project. Part of Pink Gloves Boxing is testing out and advancing up in tiers. As you test out, you receive certificates and such. My certificate and award have just been sitting on the kitchen counter. Personally I think they deserve a little better and so do I, for all the effort I've put into it. So I had the idea of putting together a motivation wall. I approached Vance about the idea of picking out a wall in the master bedroom closet where I could hang my stuff. When we had no qualms about it, and actually excited about the idea, I quickly through in that I wanted to paint the wall pink! Even though he wasn't AS excited about that aspect of the project, he wasn't going to stand in my way of motivation! Such a good man. So Saturday I got all my supplies together and Sunday I did the damn thing! I have secretly been infatuated with pink statement pieces...walls, sofas, refrigerators, etc, so it makes my wanna be interior designer heart so happy to have this bad boy in my life now! I'll be working on getting the Pink Gloves Boxing logo on the wall somehow and then adding my flare. Stay tuned.

The supplies.

The finished product in all its pink glory!

Last but not least we spent the tail end of Sunday supporting the great U S of A in the 2014 Fifa World Cup! Vance is a soccer fanatic, not to mention a soccer player himself, so I've been in Fifa World Cup hell. If we aren't watching soccer on the TV, then were at his actual soccer games. Soccer is taking over my life. By the time the game ended, IN A TIE, I was exhausted from our busy little weekend and ready for bed. So that's exactly what I did, went to bed at 9:30 pm. It was amazing. Here's to hoping this week is a great as our weekend was.

What is with my hair???? Getting ready to cheer of USA!

Reppin' the Red, White and Blue!

Now I want to hear about your weekends!!!!

Bye for Now.

Running the Gamut

It would be so easy to let the sadness wash over me. To slink into my bed, turn the lights out, pull the covers over my heard and just be done with everything else going around me. If I am being honest, it's what I want to do. If I'm being more honest, it's what I've done in the past. And if I'm being like SUPER honest, it's what I thought I would be doing right now. Instead, I've decided to try the road less traveled...by me. The road that has no why me's, why us, what did I do wrong, its not fair. This road feels way less burdened, less heavy, less all consuming and so I think I'll stay a while. I want to come out of this a better person, to have used this hurt for good, for the better of our marriage and for the better of relationship with God. I jokingly told my best friend the other day I feel like God has me in training for the Justice League. All these trials He is putting us through, all these things I don't think I/we am/are strong enough to endure, yet here I/we stand, unwavering in my/our foundation of God's love and grace.

I didn't cry once yesterday, made it a whole day without tears. I thought about it constantly, how in an instance there were all these things we were looking forward to, counting down to and now they were just gone. I wondered if I would feel like that until we got to January...then what? But then the moment passed. And I think that's just how it goes. Everyday will get easier and in between then we'll deal with these fleeting moments of sadness and what ifs.

I am proud to say I did exactly what I wanted to yesterday as far as jumping back into my eating/exercising routine goes. Had a fairly successful food day and then started my c25K back up and made it all the way through! And if that wasn't enough, I'll have you I even threw out the remaining brownies I had made over the weekend and opted to go to HEB and purchase some Skinny Cow treats instead. Holy COW, right!!??! It doesn't deserve a statue or a gold medal by any means, but it's progress people!

Thanks for listening and reading and praying and everything in between.

Bye for now.

Assessing the Damage

The weekend away was just what we needed. Something to keep us from dwelling on the inevitable. Just like all the other cycles we've been through, having to deliver this news to our family and friends was the worse part of this whole situation. It's heart breaking enough on its own, you know, so having to share that heart break with everyone was a bit over whelming. SO much so that I couldn't do it. I asked my Mom and Mother In Law to let our families know. It may sound selfish, but I just didn't have the strength to do it.

The weekend WAS fun. We got to eat our heart outs, do a little shopping and even caught a little live music by chance. But it just felt different, felt sad. We'd be walking down the street, in between shops or meals and with no warning, tears would just start streaming down my face. I felt like a celebrity in hiding as I clung to my sunglasses to shield my puffy face from the public. Vance just held my hand a little tighter or pulled me in a little closer until the moment passed. I didn't take any pictures of our food or the cute little stores we went into. Didn't even bother to take any pictures of the two of us, more less any selfies, just felt inappropriate. And as self loathing as this all sounds, I wasn't trying NOT to enjoy myself or even trying to NOT remember our little weekend trip ever happened, but it just was a moment in our life that I didn't feel like capturing. I want to remember the immense amount of compassion, support and love we gave to each other and honestly, not much else. Is that wrong????? I know there isn't a guidebook for these kinds of things, so we are simply rolling with what we can.

Today feels a little better, I feel a little back to normal. And as terrible as it sounds, if it had to happen at all, I'm glad it happened so early. I've been praying for strength to endure and the strength to keep our faith. It's not that we feel it fading, it's just a lot harder to hold on in the fog of grief. But I promise you we will not let go.

So what now? That's a good question and one I think we are still working on answering. I will start boxing back up tomorrow and jumped right back into my eating routine I was on before this cycle. I bought a pretty little journal from this adorable shop to start food journaling. As we continue to assess the damage and put our recovery plan in place, I want to ensure I am continuing to focus on getting as healthy as possible. I think it is a good place to focus my energy for now. If you asked me why this whole situation happened, I think God saw me mentally preparing for a life without kids. I feel in my heart, this was His way of telling me to not go so far down that path. I think this was His way of saying it will happen for us, that it is possible, just not yet. I've been praying for nothing more than Him to show us the way and as weird as it sounds, I think He is. I may be reaching and you may be thinking to yourself, this lady is crazy, but that's where I am today.

Bye for now.

Trust

It is with a heavy heart thst I tell you we lost the baby yesterday. This time just wasn't meant to be. As tough as yesterday was, we are choosing to remain strong in our faith and in our God and trust He knows what he's doing.

The positives we can take away from this is that we were actually able to get pregnant, now we know it's possible. Also, had this happened 6 months ago, I don't think we would have been able to handle this so well, if well is what you call this. And that is simply a testament to our God's love. 

All in due time my friends. Vance and I are planning to head out of town for weekend, get a little change of scenery as we grieve our loss. But rest assure we are going to be just fine, better than fine at the end of all this. Like I told my Mother In Law yesterday, we know it will all be okay, it just stings a little right now.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers. We know we are so loved by family and friends and we praise Him for our support team everyday.

Bye for now.

Rolling With The Punches

I spent Monday working from home, just as a precaution. My cramping had subsided and the spotting had completely stopped. That was a relief. By Tuesday morning I was feeling like I was good to head in to the office and I did just that. Other than feeling a little light headed during the afternoon, I made it through the day just fine, no symptoms returning. But as I settled in for the night, around 10:30pm, the cramping was back and so was the spotting. With all the fluids I am forcing down my throat, I was up about 3 times during the night. Each trip confirmed the cramping was still present, as was the spotting.

This morning the spotting has somewhat slowed and the cramping is gone for the most part. I decided to work from home again today. I reached out to my nurse and she just reinforced the fluids and rest. I am to take it easy over the next couple days, again, we are looking for 4 consecutive days of no spotting before returning to regular activity. She did offer that we could test earlier than Friday if it would help with our anxiety, but we've decided to wait it out.

As alarming as the cramping and spotting are, I'm not overly anxious or paranoid. Obviously this being the 2nd episode, we know now that this can be "normal". Our nurse doesn't seem overly concerned, which helps as well. So we will just try and keep our worry in check and follow orders as best we can.

You know during this whole journey, I've always said I know what the "no" is like. We have received sooooooo many negative results, we know how to handle that. It's always been the positive pregnancy test that we have never been prepared for. And that is extremely apparent now. I'm not sure what I expected pregnancy to be like. Honestly, I don't think I gave it much thought. It was always get pregnant, then baby comes. I never really prepared myself for the 44 weeks in between. So we're just taking it day by day. This is brand new territory for us and we aren't going to get overly worked up if its not going according to plan...cause there really wasn't ever a plan for this part.

So, we pray, stay calm, wait it out and trust in His love for us. I will continue to keep you posted.

Bye for now.

Soon There After...

I woke up Saturday with pretty severe cramping. After a trip to the bathroom, I noticed bleeding. I immediately paged the nurse and was informed both symptoms were somewhat normal, as scary as they were. I was to take it easy, no bed rest or anything, but nothing too active. They sent me in for blood work and after 4 long dreadful hours of waiting, we were told all the levels looked just fine. It didn't help that the bleeding continued to get predominantly worse as the day went on. I spent the ENTIRE day in prayer, just asking for strength and peace and for His will. And I just kept reassuring Vance that I was going to be fine, that we would be fine. I honestly didn't think we were going to get the outcome we did. I was preparing for the worst and assuring Vance that we would be able to handle it. That I wasn't going to slip back into the doom and gloom that had been the last 3 and a half years of our lives. That in this moment, we are stronger and made ready to handle this journey.

Turns out, the scare could have been due to my progesterone levels finally jumping up to where they are supposed to be. have been low during the first few tests. Since our first test on May 30th, my progesterone had been a little low, nothing alarming, but lower than they wanted to see. This apparently is common with FETs (Frozen Embryo Transfers). My orders are to keep things low key and to stay hydrated until we have zero spotting for 4 consecutive days. Noting too drastic! And hey, who am I to keep Vance from waiting on me hand and foot. :)

We test again on Friday and are scheduled for our first sonogram on the 16th. We will keep you posted. We are staying positive and keeping faith in our amazing God.  It is only by His grace that we are at this part of our story at all. We reside in Him and pray only for His will to continue to show us the way.

Bye for now.

The Unexpected

 I can tell you this, I was not prepared to be writing this post. This cycle was just like all the others. I did not start prior to test day, I had a little breast tenderness, little cramping and a ton of bloating. These were all symptoms I've experienced in other cycles. So I stuck to my plan and just stayed center in my prayer for nothing more than God's will this time. Every now and now I found myself thinking, what if this time is it or thinking about baby names or already thinking about taking a 6-12 month break after this cycle. But I just kept asking God to bring me back to his presence, his peace, his love.

Friday morning I headed off to do the blood draw and waited all day. Earlier that week I had sent an email out to family and close friends, thanking them for all their love and support and also asking for their understanding in giving us some space on Friday to deal with the results. I told them if they didn't hear from us, then it was safe to assume we got a negative. It was a relief to know we didn't have to deal with one of the hardest parts of test day...getting the negative result and then having to turn around and relay the heart breaking news to 20 plus people. People who have been praying and hoping and supporting us through each cycle. As selfish as it felt, it made being prepared for the day a little easier.

We usually get results around 1:30 pm. So when 3:30 pm rolled around and I still hadn't heard anything, I started to think they had forgotten about us! I shot an email to our nurse and within a minute she replied saying she hadn't seen results yet, but would call immediately to check. Not 5 minutes later, my phone was ringing. I was on a call with my boss and asked if he would mind holding. I answered my nurses call and I immediately recognized the tone in her voice. It's the tone I've heard EVERYTIME they've called to deliver results. Very monotone, no excitement, just nada.  She asked if I had a minute to review the results and I did. She continued to say the one thing that I had finally made peace with never hearing, "Well girl, congratulations, you're pregnant!".

Yes, you read that right...we are pregnant! Every time I say/write/hear that sentence, the same warming sensation washes over my heart. We're pregnant!!!! By the grace of God and in his own time, we've been give the miracle of life. And we still haven't completely wrapped our mind around that.

As you can imagine, I got off the phone with my nurse, gathered myself and then got off the phone as quickly as possible with my boss. All I wanted to do was get to Vance. That drive home was nothing more than a conversation between me and God. Thanking him, praising him and  letting him know that this didn't change anything, I was still planning to pray only for His will through the rest of this journey. Sharing the news with Vance felt like finally taking a breath of air after trying to hold my breath for as long as I could. I will NEVER forget that moment of our life, our story.

We are still trying to process the news. We had a second test done on Sunday morning. My HCG levels need to double every two days. And they did just that on Sunday. We are sticking to the same medicine regime, yes, still smurfing! :( But so worth it. And it looks like we will be retesting HCG, progesterone and estradiol levels over the next several weeks. Next test is Friday.

As excited and just shocked at the unbelievable news, we are mentally being very cautious. We know we still have a long road and we just don't want to get too ahead of ourselves or more importantly, ahead of God. So for now we stay the course.

We are enjoying each day of this blessing and praying for His will and His love. And we are praying for a healthy, happy Baby Acker! (Or two!!!!!! Remember, we transferred two embryos!)

Bye for now!