The weekend away was just what we needed. Something to keep us from dwelling on the inevitable. Just like all the other cycles we've been through, having to deliver this news to our family and friends was the worse part of this whole situation. It's heart breaking enough on its own, you know, so having to share that heart break with everyone was a bit over whelming. SO much so that I couldn't do it. I asked my Mom and Mother In Law to let our families know. It may sound selfish, but I just didn't have the strength to do it.
The weekend WAS fun. We got to eat our heart outs, do a little shopping and even caught a little live music by chance. But it just felt different, felt sad. We'd be walking down the street, in between shops or meals and with no warning, tears would just start streaming down my face. I felt like a celebrity in hiding as I clung to my sunglasses to shield my puffy face from the public. Vance just held my hand a little tighter or pulled me in a little closer until the moment passed. I didn't take any pictures of our food or the cute little stores we went into. Didn't even bother to take any pictures of the two of us, more less any selfies, just felt inappropriate. And as self loathing as this all sounds, I wasn't trying NOT to enjoy myself or even trying to NOT remember our little weekend trip ever happened, but it just was a moment in our life that I didn't feel like capturing. I want to remember the immense amount of compassion, support and love we gave to each other and honestly, not much else. Is that wrong????? I know there isn't a guidebook for these kinds of things, so we are simply rolling with what we can.
Today feels a little better, I feel a little back to normal. And as terrible as it sounds, if it had to happen at all, I'm glad it happened so early. I've been praying for strength to endure and the strength to keep our faith. It's not that we feel it fading, it's just a lot harder to hold on in the fog of grief. But I promise you we will not let go.
So what now? That's a good question and one I think we are still working on answering. I will start boxing back up tomorrow and jumped right back into my eating routine I was on before this cycle. I bought a pretty little journal from this adorable shop to start food journaling. As we continue to assess the damage and put our recovery plan in place, I want to ensure I am continuing to focus on getting as healthy as possible. I think it is a good place to focus my energy for now. If you asked me why this whole situation happened, I think God saw me mentally preparing for a life without kids. I feel in my heart, this was His way of telling me to not go so far down that path. I think this was His way of saying it will happen for us, that it is possible, just not yet. I've been praying for nothing more than Him to show us the way and as weird as it sounds, I think He is. I may be reaching and you may be thinking to yourself, this lady is crazy, but that's where I am today.
Bye for now.
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