Giving Up Is Not Always That Easy

There have been quite a few pregnancy announcements surrounding me lately. It's tough. Every time I get this kind of news I am hit instantly with the triple play. I am first and hopefully foremost happy for the couple to be. Anytime a couple can get pregnant, let alone with no complications, I know now, all to well in fact, what a blessing that is. Second comes the why not me. It's just hard to not go there, I simply can't help it. This stage is usually followed by a series of thoughts as to WHY this can't happen for us. What have we done that is so terrible that we don't deserve a family too? How could wanting a family with my husband be so bad, that we haven't been give that blessing as well? These are usually my key players in the game. After spending some time in stage two, I start to feel disappointed in the fact that I can't just be happy for them and not make the situation about me to begin with. This little diddy makes way for stage number three, feeling like a horrible/selfish person because I am incapable of putting others happiness above mine. This stage can last anywhere from 4 to 6 hours, if not more! Doesn't that just sound like the BEST DAY EVER? I mean this is the process that I CHOOSE to go through and it is even exhausting to me as I sit here and write it.

 I am working on adding a fourth and final stage to the mix. This stage is called Figuring Out how to avoid Steps two and three all together. This stage has been hard to develop and even more difficult to implement. I find that I am a creature of habit and don't take to change in policies and processes all too well. :) But after assessing the current processes for some time now, I know change is needed. But how do I get there?

Will there ever be a day when someone comes to tell me they are pregnant and I can simply just be happy about their news? 

When will my head join my heart in trusting that God has my life under control? When will I have complete faith that Vance and I are exactly where we need to be in life and that what I believe to be best for us is simply just not the case. When will my desire to be a Mom be taken over by my desire to simply be a child of God, a child of faith, a child of joy? 

And what do I do in the meantime as I wait for these questions to be answered? How do I stop simply, waiting?

I follow a daily devotional on Instagram call @pocketful. This was the post this morning. I am constantly telling Vance and my counselor and my best friend and my family that I feel like God isn't talking to me about this situation. That in a lot of other areas in my life, he talks, he guides, he shows, but in this situation I can't see him or hear him. But this morning, after reading the devotional, I thought to myself, maybe I am choosing to not listen. My own thoughts and worries have used up all the capacity in my head and in my heart, I have left no room for God to show me his will. What a scary thought.

This is what I'll will be working on over the next couple months, or longer, if that's what it takes. I need to give up and give in. Funny, how sometimes giving up is so easy to do, yet here, I am having the hardest time doing so. I need to work on emptying out the mess I've created, so there's space for God in my heart to come in and reorganize things. I'm thinking full on re-org!

Via @pocketfuel on Instagram

Bye for now.

Eat, Nap, Repeat

This past weekend was relaxing and fulfilling. Friday my best friend and I took a much needed mental health day and got to be silly and laugh and relax ALL DAY LONG! A little morning massage and pool time was just what the doctor ordered. I closed up Friday with a late dinner for two with the Husband. Friday = Perfection.

Saturday was a lazy day. We took our time getting out of bed, made a late breakfast and then finally ventured out for some downtown window shopping and MORE FOOD! Our weekends tend to fall into a eat, sleep rhythm that just simply makes my heart happy. I won't talk about what it does to my rear end though, at least not now.

Sunday was church and then catch up sessions with family members, over what else but MORE FOOD! My soul was happy at the close of our weekend. Here's to hoping it stays that way!

Pool side.

Snuggle-fest 2014 and I wasn't invited. :(

Simply YUM!

Austin sky scrapers. 

My partner in eating and napping!

How was your weekend????

Bye for now.

Establishing Parameters

I don't know about you, but when I set a goal for myself, I tend to need parameters. An easy example is setting the goal to lose weight. Instead of completely cutting sugar out of my diet, I try to limit myself to one sweet item per day. Or something like only weighing myself once a week, instead of daily. These parameters are in place to help me succeed, because I know that if I cut sugar out of my diet completely, I will fail. I know that if I weigh myself daily, I get easy frustrated, so I remove the ability to get frustrated from the equation, yet still keep the weighing in in the process. Used correctly, it is a great motivator. Do you see where I am going?

The goal in life right now, is to be at peace with our baby making journey. I want to rest in the fact that God's plan for us is better. It is extremely hard to do that. At the moment, I think having a family now is what's best for us. But clearly that's not the case, as we are not there yet. So I am attempting to transition (again) to a place of fulfillment with where we are in life today, with what we have in life today. I am also attempting (again) to replace my overwhelming desire for a family with an overwhelming love for God. I want to want Him more than I want a family. And that can be difficult.

In order to help myself on this journey, I've decided to drop a few instagram accounts off my feed. (disclosure: I am an instagramer and not on facebook) One day while creepin', I found a TON of instagram accounts related to infertility. All these women posting about their journeys, their stories, their coping mechanisms, etc. At the time I found it comforting. I think we've talked about it before, misery loves company. It just felt good to not be alone. But over the last few weeks a few of them have received positive pregnancy tests. They seemed to have shared this news in real time with everyone, including their instagram followers. I was SHOCKED! What if, like me, something happens and they lose it? How devastating to have to share that news with the masses. At least it would be for me. And if they are anything like me, I don't handle condolences well. I don't like people feeling sorry for me, it makes me very uncomfortable. So much so, that I just avoid people. One of the girls posted, very soon after her positive pregnancy test news, what she did to get her positive. With each fact she shared, I started to become more and more angry. Before I was half way down the list, tears were streaming down my face. I mean one of her suggestions was eating McDonald's french fries after the transfer, because she heard it helped. WTF! After some much needed soul searching I decided that my need to let go and let God was bigger than my need to see what is going on in other strangers infertility worlds. Even if for a fleeting moment, it brought me some comfort. Comfort is temporary. What I am after is that long term commitment.

There are a few bloggers out there that I follow and that I feel like I connected with on some aspect of their story. And I intend to continue to follow along on their journey, but I don't think I am quite ready for immersing myself into the infertility community. But who knows where this journey will take me. For now I am confident in the parameters I have set up.

Bye for now.

Squeeze In the Good Where/When You Can

Our weekdays are JAM PACKED! Here's a little view into what our Monday thru Friday tends to look like.  This doesn't even include the 8-9 hours a day we spend working for tat mighty dollar! *B is for both. :)

Monday: LifeGroup 6-8pm (B)/ Soccer (V)
Tuesday: Bowing 6-7pm (S)/ Soccer (V)
Wednesday: Volleyball (S)/ Soccer (V)
Thursday: Boxing 6-7pm (S)
Friday: BREATHE

Soccer and volleyball game times can vary, which make the week just that much more enjoyable. It also leaves me feeling like we don't get to spend a whole lot of quality time together during the week. By the time Friday rolls around I am craving some hardcore 1:1 time with my man! Like want to drag him into a dark cave, where no one can find us and just decompress and get a love recharge from the week. Am I a complete weirdo????? Vance seems to think so, hahah, but he does put up with it! The summer in particular is just the worse. Starting in April the family birthdays, on both sides, keep us in full swing. Between birthdays, birthday parties, graduations, reunions, vacations, baby showers and don't forget the holidays, we are in CONSTANT go mode.

Fridays we do our best to make ZERO plans if we can help it, other than to grab some dinner with each other. And then we do what we do best and attach our asses to the couch and get lost in tv or a movie we've been wanting to rent. It's glorious! This time is so crucial for us. We used to not be very good at taking time to check in with each other or our marriage. Which sounds crazy, but it is so easy to get lost in the motion of things. So this is our time to see how each other are doing with work, life, other relationships and specifically anything going on in our marriage that we need/want to talk about or sort out. It's amazing how much better I feel (I won't speak for Vance) after these conversations. I go to bed happy and at peace after Friday dinner dates. And I can use all the happy and peace I can get!

Saturdays are typically reserved for our FUN days. This Saturday in particular we made a trip down to the South side of Austin to visit South Congress. South Congress, for you non Austinites, is a funky, hipster-filled food and shopping mecca burrowed just outside of downtown Austin. It's a great place for people watching and stuffing your face and shopping for unique and stylish finds. We don't make it down often, but Saturday I was feeling the need to something different and outdoorsy and so we knew it was the perfect spot.  The SOCO area stretches about 5-6 blocks on both sides of the street. We parked on one end and made our way down and back up while browsing the funky stores and stopping in restaurants to eat and drink and be merry! After out little adventure down South, we came back home for a little cat nap, or a 2 hour cat nap, bit whose counting???? Once we pulled ourselves out of our mid day sleep slumber we headed back out for what else other than, MORE FOOD! We visited one of our favorite little neighborhood sushi joints. Saturday was food perfection. I miss it already.

Our first stop on South Congress at Little Barrel and Brown for beverages.

Vance doing what he does best, while I window shopped at TOMs.

Lunch at Perla's, we started will grilled oysters. YUM and my first oyster EVER!

One of Austin's favorite boot shops, Allen's Boots.

Tomo Sushi, try the Ex-Girlfriend roll, it our favorite!

This past Sunday I co-hosted a baby shower. I kind of feel like leaving it at that. It was for one of my best friends from high school. Him and his wife are expecting twin boys in October. I am so very happy for them and they were very grateful for the shower.

Typically, Sundays are spent at church and then usually meeting up with our families for lunch or dinner. And then preparing for the next week ahead of us. It's hard to cram all the good and fun into two days a week, but we do what we gotta do! How far away is retirement, hahahahah!??????

How do you guys spend your weeks?

Bye for now.

Getting Hype

Timing is everything. Especially when it comes to deciding when to exercise. Let me start by stating that I am not necessarily a lazy person, however, I want to be. I want to be cool with just laying in bed or on the couch and watching tv all day while snacking on goodies. In an ideal life, that set up would be mighty fine with me. I don't necessarily LOVE being outside, I'm not outdoorsy if you will. But I've been known to go on a hike or two and I love the lake, kayaking, swimming, etc. The concept of running or walking is just boring. I've been doing the Couch to 5K, because I have to, right, but I don't LOVE it or anything. In order to trick myself into thinking exercise if fun, I am more of a group class girl. Classes like zumba, yoga and my most favorite as of late, my boxing class! I am NOT a morning person, so therefore I am left with doing the exercise piece after work. Which honestly is like THE LAST thing I want to do after 8+ hours of the grind. But you gotta do, what you gotta do!

So how do I get hype for class, how do I keep finding the motivation to press forward toward my goal of getting healthier??? Well, so glad you asked. First off, I picture this woman. Have I mentioned my obsession with the Bey? She just be workin' it. I strive to be fit enough, strong enough to spend 30 minutes in a squat position like a bad ass. Who wouldn't?

SURFBOARD

Next, while envisioning the before mentioned Bey, I suit up!

On The Run Tour bandanna. #OTR

And then by some form of GROWN WOMAN MAGIC, I am embodied with DIVA status that just gets the blood pumping through my veins. I am then washed over with a tremendous sense of SUPERWOMAN-ness that allows me to conquer things like the 49-move Challenge Coin Combo! I was the first one in my Tier 2 class to do it! SO fun and gives me such a feeling of accomplishment!

Challenge Coin Combo CRUSHED!

How do you get hype for exercise when you don't wanna???

Bye for now.

Under Construction

It's amazing the number of emotions and feelings and processes the body can go through in a matter of days. After my HSG procedure on Monday I was in a rotten place. I use the word rotten because the term bad mood doesn't do it justice. My bad mood had some stank on it and I pretty much stayed in that mood for the duration of the day. We had LifeGroup that evening. The specific study we are working on asked us to share our testimony. I got pretty emotional when reading my aloud. My testimony, my story revolves around control issues. You can imagine the severe connection. We asked our LifeGroup to pray for us for peace and for guidance with the decisions that we have coming our way and for me to find a way to let go of the anger and the hurt. Even after all that, I didn't necessarily feel better.

Tuesday I met with the Pastor of our church. This feeling of being angry at God just wasn't sitting well with me our my soul. I don't want to be angry with him, but I am having a hard time working my way out of that. I was really nervous going to see him, but in the long run it did nothing but help. I would even go as far as to say I felt instantly better. We talked about my control issues and that it's okay to grieve. He told me it is perfectly normal to have all these competing emotions happening at once. We're human. He gave me some great insight into listening for God. And how all things, all the hurt, the pain, the waiting are for good through God's works. And that his path is all for his glory. Sometimes you just need someone to slow you down and remind you of these things. It is so easy to get tangled up in the bad. I left there with multiple things to talk about, but like I said, I just left a little lighter, like I was able to put down a piece of the burden I have been carrying around for the past month or so.

This morning I had my cycle review appointment with my Dr. Funny enough, the appointment went just as I expected. He had no real answers to any of the questions I had, but for whatever reason I just needed to hear it from the horses mouth. He thinks taking the rest of the year off is a fine decision. In fact, he said once we are ready, we will keep doing exactly what we have been doing as far as meds and doses, because in essence it is working, ie the positive pregnancy test. We just haven't transferred the right embryo yet. YET. The only other thing he could suggest, that could help us out, would to work at getting to a more ideal body weight. The last time he suggested this I lost it. I was embarrassed and hurt and completely broke down in front of him. But this time, it just felt like a part of the game plan. Do I dare say do-able? I made it through the whole appointment without a tear! Seems childish, but that was a huge accomplishment. So come January, or whenever we decide the time is right, we will pick things back up right where we're leaving them. I am not even sad about this time off, I am hoping that's because it's exactly what we need right now. So bear with me while this little blog takes a detour to getting healthy. I do hope you stick around and share your journeys and stories. 

I know this overnight change can come and go and thank you for being such great listeners. 

Bye for now.

Beyonce, Yonce, Bey, Bebe Bey...

Besides my wedding day, I have yet to experience something that gives me such a rush and keeps me on such a level of excitement so high I can't stand it, other than a Beyonce concert. Yes people, I am a Beyonce super fan. I can't help it, the woman is a bad ass. My first concert was last year for my 30th birthday. Vance surprised me with tickets, for that alone my love for him will never falter. I laughed, I cried (truth), I danced until my legs fell off...well that might be a bit dramatic, but my shoes sure as hell did! It was life changing, like no lie, life changing. I went again in December to my first hometown concert in Houston. Speechless. This left me simply wanting more. So when the On The Run tour was announced, you can bet your sweet hiney I was scouring the infoweb for tickets. We landed tickets in Houston again! This trip was SO fun, it was me, my sister, our hair dresser (but practically family) and her sister. Minor plug action, if you are in the Austin area and in need of some hair ninja-ry, hit up Zig Zag Salon. Ask for Freida or Andrea and Mel! These ladies just made the trip and Beyonce was simply the icing on the cake. We ate, shopped, danced, made slo-mp videos, did a lot of hair, a lot of makeup, BEYONCE'D OUT, went to the zoo and ate some more! All while laughing our butts off. Does that not sound like the best girls weekend ever?????

Without further ado, my awesome weekend in pictures...

Our hotel room arrival, "before" pic.

Me and the sibling, Beyonce ready!

Freida and a fellow Beyonce fan we met in the elevator. She brings us all together!

Drea and I wiggin' out over being SO CLOSE to the stage.

Bey and Jay

Is she not the most beautiful thing you've EVER seen! :)

Reppin' Texas Baby!

HOVA

Distraught and exhausted and ready to be home!

Bye for now!

Saying Goodbye

I've been struggling with accepting the fact that I am morning a loss. It seems silly, honestly, to be so upset over something I never really had to begin with. But it feels like the sadness comes mostly from such disappointment. That for a split second, all the waiting and the negatives were worth it, for that one positive. And then just like that, it was gone. I also feel pretty foolish to have let myself get so invested into something that I should have known wasn't a sure thing. My visit with my counselor last week was a hard one. I think I said the phrase, "I am so angry," about a dozen times. And that is just how I feel. I am angry and mad and unhappy and hurt and feel so jipped. A bigger part of this, is I feel mad at God. Which is not a good feeling to have. I'm not questioning Him or my faith by any means, but I'm just mad. And I don't understand what all of that was even for. And I'm mad at the thought of having to get back to that place of peace, when it feels so pointless that I had to leave at all in the first place.

Home still makes me incredibly sad. I was out of town this past weekend, for another Beyonce concert. I'll save that for a happier post. I had such a great weekend. I laughed, a lot and overall just felt really good. But it was like the minute I pulled into our driveway it was back to reality. And reality these days is just not good. I keep trying to remind myself that this can't be easy for Vance, for me to feel like this. I think maybe that will help pull me out of the funk, but really it just only makes it worse, cause then I start just feeling like a failure. It has been a really tough month. And it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My counselor suggested I may be holding on to these feelings because I haven't really given myself the closure I need. She suggested doing some sort of gesture, writing a letter, burying something symbolic, releasing a balloon, something to help me acknowledge this as a loss. To process those feelings and then to help start letting go. As soon as she suggested it, I was balling. I guess it struck a cord. This morning I had my HSG, this flushes the fallopian tubes to ensure nothing was left behind. :( On Wednesday I meet with my Dr for a cycle review. I think once all the visits pertaining to this cycle are done, I will be able to process my final goodbye.

Sorry to be such a debbie downer today, but no one ever said infertility was easy.

Bye for now.

As of Late...

As of late, life has been the usual. 4th of July week was so much fun, I have pics below for you guys, and then I turned right around to head to New Jersey for work. I mentioned in a previous post staying busy helps and it definitely has. The less down time the better. The minute I slow down, my mind tends to speed, almost instantly. Sitting in the house this morning has already sent me into a tizzy. I go see my counselor next week and I think that visit is very overdue. The last visit was right after the bad news, so I wasn't quite processing anything other than sadness. But now I feel inundated with emotions. Anger mostly, but still sadness and anxiety about what we do from here and what we do while we take this much needed break, ie finances, the house. I don't expect her to have all the answers or ANY, but I know talking it out with her will help, it always does. Right now I feel like I am suggesting a different solution to Vance every other day and I know that can be frustrating...for BOTH of us! So while I sort through all these emotions and what the game plan is, let me leave you with some much prettier visuals.

This VIEW!

4th of July Ready.

The GREAT U S of A

Selfies out of control!

Lake life!

Lake rats.

Sweet birthday cake surprise! SO YUMMY!

And just like that, found myself in Jersey the Monday after!!! 

Lake Bound

We are headed back to the lake after work today! I am mentally already on the dock, soaking in some rays, with my SPF 110. :) Hope you all enjoy a long 4th of July weekend. And be sure to tell me all about it when you get back!

Bye for Now.

Three Second Rule

So we all know the three second rule. If you drop a food item on the floor and are able to recover it within three seconds, it's good to go. God made dirt and dirt don't hurt, right!? Well, God also made cake, pies, brownies, cookies, chocolate bars and tiramisu and those scrumptious pieces of heaven do hurt...they hurt my ass!!! On Monday night a terrible co-worker brought in homemade brownies. These brownies in particular are like my FAVORITE. I was able to pull from every source of will power in my body to avoid said brownies all day. I left like Superwoman. Especially because this terrible co-worker set up shop in the cubicle in front of me. So every time I left and came back, I had to pass them. So for 8 hours straight, I avoided temptation. THEN at LifeGroup that night, another terrible human being, made her famous chocolate chip cookies. I mean seriously, is the world out to get me!!!! I ate a little extra dinner to try and make myself full as possible, so that even taking one bites of those cookies was impossible. And it worked. The whole two hours I was there, I avoided them at all costs. I was pretty freakin' proud of myself, even high-fived Vance over this small victory. One small step for Stephanie, one GIANT step for fatties everywhere. :)

But then Tuesday came. I was HORRIBLE. I got home and we had leftover bundt cake from my Dad's birthday. I knew I should have just thrown it out! Without hesitating, I took that bad boy out and DEVOURED. I mean gone in an instant. It was impressive, yet disgusting. All that hard work on Monday to be good and avoid temptation, just out the door. I started thinking this morning what the difference between Monday and yesterday was. Why was I able to fight the good fight on Monday, but completely give in on Tuesday?

I've come to the conclusion I need to insert a three second rule into my life. Before I dive in mouth first into whatever mouthwatering dessert I'm looking to devour, I need to take three seconds to ask myself, is this worth it, am I going to feel guilty after I eat this, do I REALLY need to have this. At least then I give myself some time to walk away. I think if I block out all the logical thoughts, I just go for it and the minute I remove the spoon or fork from the last bite I am in the bad place, just like that. So that's the new game plan. It's not that I think this new rule will keep me from EVER divulging, but at least there will be some conscious thought behind now. Or at least, here's to hoping!

How do you try to beat the inner cookie monster?

Bye for now.

The Up's and The Ever So Quick Down's

The down's have been fewer and farther between. That is a good feeling. But Sunday I came to the conclusion that I am still looking to fill this void I have with something, anything, that I can set my mind to. Not healthy. I think I have talked about this before, so bear with me as I play a little bit of a broken record.

 The moment I got the positive pregnancy news, I instantly knew two things. 1.) The back and forth discussion about whether to sell our house and down size or to stay was immediately squashed! I knew that we were exactly where we needed to be house wise. 2.) We needed to buckle down and pay down some debt, like FAST! We had daycare coming full speed ahead and I felt buried under credit card and student loan balances. Fast forward to the present, no longer under a 9 month timeline, I have this overwhelming desire to get rid of the debt. I think the thought process behind it is, we need to get rid of the debt as fast as possible, so when we do find ourselves in the positive pregnancy test situation, I don't have this feeling of sudden panic syndrome. I know there will be plenty of other pieces to sweat over, if I can remove the financial aspect from it, for the most part, that will make life easier.

So Sunday on the drive home from the lake, I presented my brilliant idea of leasing out our home to renters for a year. We would move into a one bedroom apartment, and apply the extra $$$$ towards paying down our debt. Ingenious, right!? The scary thing is I think I could have actually convinced Vance to do it. The man will literally do anything to make me happy. But how selfish can I be!? I know the hurt and sadness wont last forever, but right now, when life slows down, my mind goes into overhaul trying to figure out things to do, until I am distracted with the next item on the agenda. It's a little exhausting and I'm sure poor Vance is at the end of his rope. You know it took so long to get to this place of peace before this last transfer. And I just don't know if I have the strength to get back there again after something like this. It feels overwhelming and unreachable at the moment. Needless to say, I have been in a constant state of prayer. Asking God to heal my heart and make me strong again. He is the only person who can make me whole, fulfill my heart and I desperately need that right now. 

I don't want to leave you guys with such a sad tone. Everyday is getting better and the more I allow myself to work through it, the easier it is to cope. I'm trying to talk about it more, as annoying as it is, to friends and family. At the very least I am getting the thoughts and words out of my head for a fleeting moment and that can't be anything but good, right????

So we aren't being somber sallys, here's a little look into our weekend at the lake for Dad's birthday!

The Power Plant, new restaurant in Seguin with an AWESOME view.

Mom and the birthday boy, lakeside. :)

Night fishing was unsuccessful, but still so fun.

Maggie found the lake to be oh so relaxing.

Gator VERY excited to be going home.

We had a great weekend at the lake and will more than likely be back for the 4th! It's become our home away from home, if you hadn't already noticed. What are your plans for the 4th?

Bye for now.

One Out Of Three Ain't Bad...But It Ain't Good Either!

I am doing SO great with my breakfast, dinner and snack selections during the day. Like REALLY good. Boxing and c25k have been going great as well. BUT, I seem to lose grips when it comes to dinner! For instance, here is how yesterday went down...

Breakfast

• Spark pink lemonade Drink 45 calories
• Belvita blueberry breakfast bar 230 calories

Lunch

• MyFit Food ground lemon turkey small lunch 290 calories
• Pretzels 110 calories
• Laughing Cow swiss cheese wedge 35 calories
• Chocolate Milk 120 calories

Snack

• Skinny Cow peanut butter crisp bar 110 calories

Dinner

• Advocare mocha meal replacement shake 220 calories

SECOND DINNER

• TWO bean and cheese tacos!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!

So this has pretty much been the trend. One out of every 3 meals of the day I am totally bombing!!!! It is so frustrating to be so close to doing good, but not able to make the final turn. What have you guys done to close the final gap on those last few pieces of the puzzle???

Bye for now.

Adding Insult To Injury

When the nurse called us back with the second confirmation that we has miscarried on the 12th, I of course needed to know what all that entailed. Did we have to come in and see Dr. Silverberg, were we going to have to do a D&C, when was I supposed to start birth control again (since it keeps these cysts away)? Truth be told, there wasn't anything we were supposed to do, other than wait for my period to come AND monitor my HCG level back down to zero. How miserable is that! If it wasn't bad enough having to test weekly to ensure we stayed pregnant, NOW, I had to test weekly to ensure my body purged itself completely of what pregnancy we had. So stupid.

She mailed me a packet similar to the one we received after the positive, except this one was way less exciting to receive. It had like 5 slips in it. SO stupid! I was supposed to go on the 19th and straight up refused. I didn't want to have to be testing for these reasons. And I was DREADING the technician asking me what we were testing for. I didn't got the 20th, the 21st or on the 22nd. On the 23rd, my nurse called to say she hadn't seen any results yet. Well no shit Sherlock, I have tested yet! This isn't her fault, I know that. She kindly reminded me it was in my best interest to go and that major health issues can occur if the HCG level doesn't come all the day down to zero. FINE, I'll go. But I didn't. I didn't go the 23rd and on the 24th I got a friendly email reminder. So yesterday morning I dragged my ass into the lab and did the damn blood work. My nurse called around 3:00 pm to let me know me know the levels were down where they needed to be. Of course they are, my body has always done not pregnant well! I mean I could be a not pregnant scholar at this point. She did inform us that we will need to schedule a HSG once my next Day 1 comes. This is just to ensure nothing was left behind. Isn't that just sad, like that whole statement just makes me miserably sad. We are no strangers to the HSG, this one one of the very first procedures we did back in 2011 and have had it done a handful of times since. They usually do it when they go in for exploratory, just to make sure they cover all the basics. And I KNOW, this will do nothing but help make sure we are ready, for when we are ready to start trying again. But it just ALL sucks.

I did schedule a follow up with Dr. Silverberg. I don't think he will have any brand new information for us, but I just feel like I have a few things to talk out with him. Things like...

1. Does the fact that we got pregnant finally change anything, from a game plan perspective?
2. Is taking 6 months off going to hurt our chances, having just figured out how to get pregnant?
3. Because we found endometriosis and more cysts between my first and last exploratory surgeries, would he recommend another clean out before we start to try again, if we take the full 6 months off?
4. Any known reason why we miscarried?

I'm assuming I already know the answers to the questions above, maybe I just want to hear it out of his mouth. Regardless, I go see him on the 23rd. I think it just might be the closure I need in any good ending. Maybe then I can officially close the book on this hurt and move forward. 

Bye for now.

Not So Much A Blurpee

There are SEVERAL reasons to not like blurpees, but as I learned yesterday evening, the main one for me might me that they are not called blurpees at all. Burpees, come to find out, are just as equally miserable though. Dropping the the "l" did nothing to make they more like-able, more enjoy-able nor do-able. Burpees are a bitch and like any other girl fight, I have to psych myself up to tackle these beasts. Now, to be clear, I don't just have a personal goal to be able to crank out some flawless burpees for no reason. It was brought to my attention a couple months ago that our Tier 2 test at Pink Gloves Boxing will include a 2 minute and 20 second burnout round of burpees. WTF! Now, I sat and watched the last group of Tier 2 girls all accomplish this, so I know it's possible, but dear Lord, how am I EVER going to get to that level!!!????

Right now, I am a modify burpee-ier and they are STILL impossible and terrible as crap. I have roughly 2 months to go from a modifier to a full blown ass-kicker of burpees. It was last night after class that I realized its my middle section and my mind that more than likely holding me up at the moment. First, there is to much jelly in my belly to jumping out and into a push-up position and a squat position so flawlessly. Second, my mind can't even begin to communicate the motion to my body about how to execute this movement. So often, between reps, I just find myself starring in the mirror utterly confused as to how to even begin. Hahahaa. I bet the girls are thinking, Poor Steph, she's having such a hard time focusing still, when in reality poor Steph is just FAT and can't for the life of her figure out how to burpee!

So this has become my motivation to focus a little more energy on eating better. When I lost that 15 lbs, not so long ago, the one place I noticed it was in my belly. It wasn't flat by any means, but it became less predominant. I need more of that less predominant belly to help with the movement. So the goal is to do at least 10 burpees a day, modified or non-modified to get my body comfortable with the movement and to build up my tolerance to this hellacious workout.

What's the workout that gives you the most trouble and how are you working to get better at it?

Bye for now.

Seek Joy

It's inevitable, whatever it is that you set out to look for, you are going to find it, it some way, shape or form. This is also known as tunnel vision. Depending on what is at the end of your tunnel, this can be a good thing OR a bad thing. I've had a pretty good couple of days. This past weekend was awesome, but this past weekend was also filled with fun, distracting things. Monday rolled around and started off good, happy, stable. But by the afternoon I found my mood slowly slipping into a place of sadness. Not like an ugly cry in the shower sadness, but like a wet blanket sadness. My thoughts just come rushing at me and I find it hard to slow down the momentum and ultimately find it hard to refocus somewhere else.

The last part of yesterday was not happy. I just kept wondering what was the point of all this. I was so at peace with this lat cycle. I was ready to receive the negative, focus the next 6 months of getting healthy and continue to living in the joy that is our life today...as is. That unexpected positive just pulled the rug out from underneath me and I am finding it hard to put my feet back in place on my foundation of God and the work He is doing in our life right now. I know this moment is fleeting and I know I CAN get back to where I was, but it's trying to remember to seek joy again that is currently the struggle for yesterday and today.

But here's the good news, if I can remember that joy is what I am seeking, then inevitably, joy is what I'll find. It's days like today that I have to create a mental list of all the good God has done in my life. Today I am thankful for God's love, Vance, puppies, our beautiful home, my job, my amazing support team I have in my family and friends, my health, my newly pink wall in my closet and the package of Skinny Cow Dream Clusters that is awaiting to be devoured at lunch today. These pieces of my life are not trivial and they weren't east to come by. At one point in life, I was struggling and praying for these things too and look how that turned out. So today I am focusing on refocusing my tunnel vision and placing joy at the end of lens. It may not be an overnight journey, but I will find it and place it in the center of my heart again.

Thought I would share some of my joys with you...

This amazing dude!

Our babies and their cousin Lola (the beagle)

Mom, Dad and my Shoetwin!

My crew, besties and shoetwin!

My In-laws! Such a good looking bunch. :)

Where do you find your joy?

Bye for now.

Back In The Saddle

Just realized I never posted this one...

Last night (As in LAST TUESDAY) was my first class back at boxing. Oh how I've missed those girls! The location where class is held is a little unconventional (there are plans in the works for a location change!) and there is no central cooling system in the main gym area. In some parts that might not necessarily be an issue, but here in Texas in hotter n hell and that could easily be cause for death! Sweat beads are just streaming down my hairline, neckline, eyebrow line and that's just after our 10 minute warm up!!!! Last night I found myself thinking, this is what hot yoga must feel like. As brutal as it was, I made it through and after being gone for more than 2 weeks I wasn't sure if that was possible. It felt good to sweat it all out and punch the crap out of the bags and my trainer! And I finally got my pink wraps, so it feels like I am officially in Tier 2 now!!!!

Repin' my new pink wraps! And hey, follow me on Instagram @stephlacker

In other news, we FINALLY got the curtains hung up in our master bedroom, as in finally THIS morning. These beautiful bad boys have been sitting pretty on our dresser, just waiting to be opened and hung. Aren't they pretty! Both panels and rods are from West Elm. We haven't done much to the house as of late, so it's nice to have something new and pretty up to admire. Any projects you guys are working on in your house?????

So that's what our world is looking like this (LAST) week. Staying busy and pressing on!

Bye for now.

Weekend Warriors

We had such a fun weekend. I was finally able to make it through a full day at work (well most a full day) on Friday. In my industry I have the luxury of being able to work wherever there is wifi, so I've been hiding out at home. There's no one there to ask questions or to have to put on a brave face for, so it's just safer. I tried going in on Monday and one of the new guys and I were talking about lunch. He suggested sushi and I said I hadn't been in much of a sushi mood and he suggested maybe it was because I was pregnant. Now he has NO earthly idea what is going on withe me, but the joke still hurt. Needless to say I left soon there after and finished the rest of the day and week for that matter (with the exception of Friday) from home. Funny enough, the same guy made a comment to me on Friday about morning sickness, I guess it is inevitable. But by Friday, it was a little easier to let it roll off my shoulder, on the inside. That is refreshing to know things are going back to normal. And I've been laughing more, which is so nice. I hate being serious.

Hiding out a home, where no one can make my face do this...

So Friday after I finished work from the house, I dragged Vance out to the Domain. He had head of an event going on, on Saturday that we needed to purchase wristbands for. The event was Taste of Austin. Basically a bunch of local restaurants were coming out and setting up taste testing booths, so you could try out their fare. Wristbands were $20 and that got you 10 tastings. Sounded like something right up our alley! So we decided to make a night of it. Upon arrival I stopped in Forever 21 and H&M, I'm on the hunt for some new summer sandals, then we bought said wristbands and stopped in for dinner at Kona Grill. So yummy! Then we walked down to Copper, which coincidentally serves Austin Cake Balls and had a heavenly nightcap with a side of delicious balls! My favorite is the Vanilla Bean oddly enough, being such a chocolate person, I'm shocked! Vance's favorite is the Birthday Cake. We ended the night at the movies, seeing 22 Jump Street. It was hilarious, I would almost say funnier than the first, I highly recommend it. What a fun Friday, right!?

Kona Grill, yum!

Austin Cake Balls!! Even more yum!

If you are looking for a pick me up...I highly recommend it! Plus, there's Channing, need I say more?

Saturday we headed back to The Domain for the Taste of Austin event. I was HOT and sweaty, but the food was delicious. Some of our regular spots, The League and Tony C's were there, so it was fun to try some of their new stuff. And Nothing Bundt Cakes was there handing out whole mini bundt cakes!!! The Chocolate Chocolate Chip is my favorite! After about two hours of eating, sweating and eating some more, we popped into Cru Wine Bar and we finished off our Saturday soiree with a flight of bubbles, so light and refreshing!!!

'Bout to get our grub on!

Food for days...

Cru Wine Bar. I am a sucker for bubbles!

As we wrapped up our weekend at the Domain, we headed back home to spend the rest of Saturday at home. My new read finally arrived in the mail! I am loving me some Mindy. She was hilarious on The Office and I'm addicted to her new show, The Mindy Project. The woman has me constantly rolling. So I am looking forward to reading her book. Anyone already read it?

In addition to the relaxing I ventured out to Home Depot to gather supplies for my next little DIY project. Part of Pink Gloves Boxing is testing out and advancing up in tiers. As you test out, you receive certificates and such. My certificate and award have just been sitting on the kitchen counter. Personally I think they deserve a little better and so do I, for all the effort I've put into it. So I had the idea of putting together a motivation wall. I approached Vance about the idea of picking out a wall in the master bedroom closet where I could hang my stuff. When we had no qualms about it, and actually excited about the idea, I quickly through in that I wanted to paint the wall pink! Even though he wasn't AS excited about that aspect of the project, he wasn't going to stand in my way of motivation! Such a good man. So Saturday I got all my supplies together and Sunday I did the damn thing! I have secretly been infatuated with pink statement pieces...walls, sofas, refrigerators, etc, so it makes my wanna be interior designer heart so happy to have this bad boy in my life now! I'll be working on getting the Pink Gloves Boxing logo on the wall somehow and then adding my flare. Stay tuned.

The supplies.

The finished product in all its pink glory!

Last but not least we spent the tail end of Sunday supporting the great U S of A in the 2014 Fifa World Cup! Vance is a soccer fanatic, not to mention a soccer player himself, so I've been in Fifa World Cup hell. If we aren't watching soccer on the TV, then were at his actual soccer games. Soccer is taking over my life. By the time the game ended, IN A TIE, I was exhausted from our busy little weekend and ready for bed. So that's exactly what I did, went to bed at 9:30 pm. It was amazing. Here's to hoping this week is a great as our weekend was.

What is with my hair???? Getting ready to cheer of USA!

Reppin' the Red, White and Blue!

Now I want to hear about your weekends!!!!

Bye for Now.